Analogies and Metaphors!

[Squishy0405]

Analogies and Metaphors! Bless our young minds!

Every year, English teachers from across the USA submit their collections
Of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These
Excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the
Country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
Gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
Underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
Who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
Boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
High schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
Of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-
Temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh! , like that sound a dog makes
Just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
Of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
Formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
Bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
With vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
Surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
Comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
After a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
Fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
Grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
P.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
Resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
Also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
One that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
This plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
For a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
A real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
Something.

23. The ballerina rose grace fully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
Behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
Power tools.

[bjohn13]

Some of these were hilarious. Some of them were simply awesome. Some are just plain stupid. This one:

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
Grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
P.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

Is one of the most clever pieces I've read in quite some time.

[Em]

I quite like #6:

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

This one strikes me as being slightly Douglas Adams-ish in an "almost, but not entirely unlike tea" kind of way:

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a Bowling ball wouldn't.

ETA: No, it's more like the description of the Vogon spaceships hovering in just the way that bricks don't, or something. What have I done with my copy of the book?

These were great, but Did anyone Else find the Intermittent Capitalization hard to Read?

So, just Me, Then?

Why do the people who compose these lists always seem to throw grammar out the window, I wonder?

[Nick Theodorakis]

About half of them appeared in a 1999 Washington Post Style Invitational contest.

Nick

[SatansHobbit]

They made me laugh, like a nitrous oxide affected hyena having its feet tickled while watching reruns of Blackadder.

[Andrew of Ware]

Originally Posted by Zamboni_Rodeo

These were great, but Did anyone Else find the Intermittent Capitalization hard to Read?

So, just Me, Then?

Why do the people who compose these lists always seem to throw grammar out the window, I wonder?

No. me As Well.

My favourite one from when I was a teacher: 'His legs looked as if they were invisible.'

[inkrose115]

I got a genuine laugh out of these. Even the stupid ones were funny, in their own simple way, like the chuckle you get after watching my sister's cat attempt to sleep in my mothers lap for the 58th time. Except my mother hates cats, and is bewildered by the cat's mysterious love of her lap.

Please don't hate me. I'll get it, see?

[bjohn13]

Originally Posted by Zamboni_Rodeo

These were great, but Did anyone Else find the Intermittent Capitalization hard to Read?

So, just Me, Then?

Why do the people who compose these lists always seem to throw grammar out the window, I wonder?

One of the word processors I use at work (I think it's Microsoft Word from Office 2000, but I use four different word processing programs) automatically capitalizes the second line of bullet points or enumerated lists. It's an annoying "feature". I've been able to figure out how to get it to stop doing it, but I have yet to figure out how to get that setting to be the default setting.

And now you know why I use four different word processing programs.

[Cervus]

I knew I'd seen many of these before. Thanks for the link, Nick.

[Sunny Lea]

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
One that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
This plan just might work.

These two actually struck me as rather clever. They got a giggle out of me anyway. I plan on working the steel trap one into conversation ASAP.

(I rather liked the train and the bowling ball ones as well, but someone already mentioned them.)

[Hero_Mike]

I've seen this many times before - if it was all compiled at once, it probably dates back to the early 90's when Nancy Kerrigan and the thigh-master were "current".

[Victoria J]

Originally Posted by Squishy0405

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
Who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
Boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
High schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
Of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

I think 3 speaks from personal experience. Someone was made to sit through a very boring lecture at school - from a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

I think 6 is quite funny and clever.

Is 7 a Terry Pratchett fan ? (Not if the whole list is as old as some people are suggesting though). I'm thinking of the children's books and Tiffany Aching meeting a creature with eyes the size of soup plates that exactly 12 (?) inches across.

Victoria - a poster who sticks around like, er, a wall poster. One stuck up with glue AND pins - J

[Canuckistan]

I first saw these at this site, at least five years ago.

Not sure where they got it from, though.

[Nick Theodorakis]

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

I first saw these at this site, at least five years ago.

Not sure where they got it from, though.

Many came form another Wash. Post Style Invitational, this one from 1995.

Nick

[Fiver]

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
With vegetable soup.

That was kind of lifted from a Red Meat strip. I'll try and find the exact one later.

[Brad from Georgia]

You still can't beat Adams and Pratchett (both paraprhased from memory):

"The giant Vogon ships hovered over the earth in the same way that a brick doesn't."

"It was as black as a very black thing indeed."

Oh, and Woody Allen writing a hardboiled detective story:

"The dame's bosom described a couple of parabolas that would cause cardiac arrest in a yak."

[Dog Friendly]

I believe it was Obi-Wan Kenobi who said "Metaphors be with you".

[rangerdog]

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
With vegetable soup.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
This plan just might work.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
Power tools.

These are my faves...

[pob14]

Originally Posted by Brad from Georgia

Oh, and Woody Allen writing a hardboiled detective story:

"The dame's bosom described a couple of parabolas that would cause cardiac arrest in a yak."

"I turned around to find myself face-to-face with a pair of 45s. They were guns."

I played Kaiser Lupowitz in our high school Group Interp piece. I love early Woody Allen.