Dreadful Christmas carols

[rosa who else]

Time for another Christmas thread! Time for Mad Magazine parody junkies to get their fix and SLC posters to show off their stuff!

Have you made up your own words to a Christmas carol? Even words that didn't have anything to do with Christmas? If you've got 'em, share 'em -- even if you didn't write it but just remember them with great pleasure.

For starters, here's one I really did write when I was 12.

Tune: Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Christmas eve is coming soon, Susie wants a mink
Trapped for her six nice fat rats underneath the sink
Skinned them all and tanned their hides
Sewed them all together
Made for her a warm fur coat
For almost any weather.

Here's one from Mad Magazine's Carols for All Occasions, just about the same time period.

Tune: Deck the Halls

Wreck the walls and fences, golly.
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Isn't trick or treating jolly?
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Ring that doorbell, slash that tire
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Trip that old man with a wire
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!

Dressed in sheets and old apparel
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Can't tell John from Max or Carol
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Which is good, 'cause no one else can
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!
Just like grownups play Ku Klux Klan
Fa la la la la -- la la la la!

Hit it, snopesters!

[Photo Bob]

Word of warning.

Singing "Deck the Halls with Joey's balls" in school may require an apology to the lunch lady and result in a phone call to your parents.

The fact that you are only eight and thought you were singing about basketballs and baseballs because Joey was so athletic is no excuse.

Photo "It also resulted in dad having 'the talk' with a very confused third grader" Bob

[ToadMagnet]

I've always been tempted, but have never attempted, to write lyrics for "The Little Orgy" following this conversation with a 6-year old neighbor I was babysitting:

B: Sing me a Christmas carol!
Me: Okay. Which one do you want?
B: "The Little Orgy!"
Me: Ummm ... which one?
B: "THE LITTLE ORGY!!!"
Me: Why don't you start, and I'll see if I know it ....
B: Away in a manger, no crib for a bed ....

[Eddylizard]

Okay, I might get chucked off the board for this, but some might read it before it disappears. Our children used to call the cat Mrowie - for reference - pronunciation "mer-ow-ee". We sang

"Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la - la la la la
Deck the halls with bits of mrowie
fa la la la la - la la la lah lah"

For the record no-one liked the NFBSKING animal, but be assured no-one would ever deliberately hurt him.

[Tootsie Plunkette]

I've posted this one several times before, and I can't take credit for it - blame my friend Sue.

The Holly and the Ivy,
When they are both full grown,
They can go into a liquor store,
And they can buy their own!

[rosa who else]

Which reminds me, Tootsie .......

How do we know that the Virgin Mary was a poor conversationalist?

Because it says so, right in The Holly and the Ivy: "... and Mary bored

sweet Jesus Christ ....."

And, of course, there's "Jingle bells, Santa smells, forty miles away ....."

[RivkahChaya]

Real second verse to "The Dreidl Song" (I swear):

It has a lovely body, with leg so short and thin.
When it gets all tired, it drops and then I win!

[High Eight]

One of my favourites by folk parodist Syd Kipper:

THE DEATH OR GLORY WASSAIL

Wassail, wassail, we know you’re about
Though you sit in the dark and pretend that you’re out,
If you’re thinking of calling the Police to give chase,
Just who do you think is singing the bass?

Chorus:
Wassail, Wassail, all over the town,
We are wassailers of fame and renown,
So open your doors and fill up our cup,
Or we’ll sing through your letterbox until you cough up.

Wassail, Wassail, all over your garden,
If we’ve done any damage then we beg your pardon,
We’re sorry to call upon you so late,
But we had to pick the lock on your gate.

Wassail, Wassail, that you may believe
‘Tis more blessed to give than it is to receive,
The more that you give, the more blessed are you,
The more we receive, the less damage we’ll do.

Wassail, Wassail, with a crisp ten pound note,
We can all drink your health down at the “Old Goat”,
If you haven’t a tenner, two fivers will do,
If not then things don’t look too healthy for you!

Wassail. Wassail, all over for now,
And now you’ve seen sense we will make no more row,
Peace be upon you all at your repose,
And we’ll come no more nigh you until the pubs close.

[DytchDoctyr]

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a cheap-o cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Boom!

(pause)

We two kings of Orient are . . .

[TallGeekyGirl]

I didn't write them but they are clever, especially if you're a Lovecraft fan.

CTHULHU CAROLS!

Carol of the Old Ones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ftld7Ohojg

Awake Ye Scary Great Old Ones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kbzuz...EBCEBA&index=0

If I Were a Deep One (Not a Christmas Carol, but fun anyway)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFzdI...EBCEBA&index=1

Death to the World
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptP0O...EBCEBA&index=3

Silent Night, Blasphemous Night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaI4d...EBCEBA&index=4

It's the Most Horrible Time of the Year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie9S5...EBCEBA&index=5

Away in a Madhouse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcNdP...eature=related

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishmen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wU0G...eature=related

Es Y'Golonac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoXBi...eature=related

The Great Old Ones are Coming to Town
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsgg5...eature=related

Have Yourselves a Scary Little Solstice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJY2T...eature=related

Mi-Go We Have Heard on High
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocsOI...eature=related

Oh Cthulhu!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yieQ5...eature=related

I'm Dreaming of a Dead City
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rflsH...eature=related

The Shoggoth Song (For Hannukah! )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXvqF-yXb8E

I Saw Mommy Kissing Yog-Sothoth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSvsy...eature=related

Freddy the Red-Brained Mi-Go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rU85O...eature=related

The Cultist Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_r4cyxMymc

[TallGeekyGirl]

I forgot a few!

Harley Got Devoured By the Undead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBdx6nvi4Uo

The Festival:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoT9q...om=PL&index=12

[Silkenray]

The holly and the ivy
are both kinds of plants.
And when Mary bore dear Jesus Christ
She wasn't wearing any pants.

[E. Q. Taft]

To reverse the process -- writing Christmas lyrics to non-Christmas songs...someday I really must build on the idea my friend came up with to Stan Ridgway's Camouflage:

Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus.....

Trust me, if you know the song, it's funny.

[Brad from Georgia]

I still tinker around with translating carols via Babelfish into various languages and then back to English. Wham!'s "Last Christmas" isn't exactly improved by the trip. Not that it's any worse:

The first Christmas day,
I have given you my heart,
But the second day,
You have given it this year,
The tear saves my
I' ll for it special somebody.
Oohh Oohh baby

Once bit with two times avoids me
Still to retain my distance,
But you attracted my vision to tell me
The baby you whether to approve me?
Good it's one year, its doesn' t causes me surprised
(happy Christmas day!)
I have wrapped it, and has delivered it,
When the note said " I love You"
I meant that it I knows any fool is now;
But, if you kissed my me to know you'd now;
Fools me to sing in a chorus again:
(Oooh. The Oooh baby)
A crowded room, has tired eye's friend
Hides and ices my God
Which from you your soul's thought you are dependence somebody?
I guessed that I am the sob shoulder
I have the fire in a lover's face to carry on
A person in secret in his heart,
But you have torn my Oooh Oooh separately now
I has discovered true love you' ll never fools me to sing in a chorus again:
Had the fire in a lover's face (to give you in his heart my heart)
To carry on a person in secret,
But you have torn my next year separately.
I' ll gives it somebody, I' ll gives it somebody special special edition, somebody, somebody I' ll gives it somebody, I' ll gives it somebody specially who' ll gives me something back.

[TripleAAA]

Originally Posted by DytchDoctyr

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a cheap-o cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Boom!

(pause)

We two kings of Orient are . . .

All I want for Christmas is a new keyboard.......


There was always the favorite of "Deck the halls with Santa's balls...."

[DawnStorm]

An oldie but goodie:

Joy to the world
The teacher's dead
We barbecued her head
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty
And it went round and round
And it went round and round
And it went round and round then went down

[RCIAG]

The only one I remember from elementary school in the 70s:

Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg

The Batmobile
Lost a wheel
And the Joker got away! HEY!

[Photo Bob]

Originally Posted by RCIAG

The only one I remember from elementary school in the 70s:

Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg

The Batmobile
Lost a wheel
And the Joker got away! HEY!

As sung on "The Simpsons" by Robert Goulet

[ElectricBarbarella]

Credit goes to the Crypt Keeper:

The Crypt Keeper - Lyrics
Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas - Album
The Twelve Days Of Christmas


You know kiddies
I think this is going to be the beast holiday season ever
And you know what will maggot even more speical?
Getting the little gift I've been dreaming of
Or better yet
Getting a whole bunch of them

On the first day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
A trip to the mortuary

On the second day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the third day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the fourth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the fifth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the sixth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the seventh day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the eighth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Eight manglers mangling
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the morturary

On the nineth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Nine stranglers strangling
Eight manglers mangling
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the tenth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Ten heads kerploping
Nine stranglers strangling
Eight manglers mangling
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the eleventh day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Eleven choppers chopping
Ten heads kerploping
Nine stranglers strangling
Eight manglers mangling
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

On the twelfth day of Cryptmas my goul love gave to me
Twelve axe men lopping
Eleven choppers chopping
Ten heads kerploping
Nine stranglers strangling
Eight manglers mangling
Seven warewolves howling
Six fiends disembowling
Five mortal wounds
Four thousand volts
Three lethal blows
Two murderous shoves
And a trip to the mortuary

[Chloe]

Originally Posted by DytchDoctyr

We three kings of Orient are
Tried to smoke a cheap-o cigar
It was loaded and exploded
Boom!

(pause)

We two kings of Orient are . . .

We sang:

We three kings of East End Square
Selling knickers, tuppence a pair.
So fantastic, no elastic
Falling down everywhere.

That's comedy gold when you're 8, let me tell you!