Mother-in-law from Hell

[MisterGrey]

So I think I've stumbled into the worst bad-in-laws joke ever crafted.

Prior to my engagement I met my future-MIL only once, at a social event, where I introduced myself and a couple of "Hellos" were exchanged. That was the extent of our interaction.

Ever since my SO and my's engagement, she has launched a campaign of terror trying to break up the relationship. Apparently, one afternoon, SO showed her a photo I'd given her of a Halloween costume I wore a few years ago; I'd gone as a figure from a popular horror film and the costume was tongue-in-cheek risque. SO had gotten a kick out of it and so asked for a copy of the photo. Based upon this photo, FMIL formulated the idea that I am a violent, obsessive stalker who has singled out her daughter for rape and murder. SO was startled at this declaration and explained to her that I would be one of the last people to want to rape or murder anyone. SO knows that when I was eight, I suffered abuse at the hands of one of my school teachers; this is not something I want to get into here at the moment, but she's only the second person I've told this to. She told FMIL, and that consequently I have a very negative view of sexual predators. FMIL "corrected" her, explaining that children who are abused grow up to become abusers themselves, and that this was further evidence that I will rape and kill her. And that's when it got bad.

FMIL got into SO's cell phone and called every number she'd called. One of these was my mother's cell phone. FMIL, upon realizing she'd gotten my mother, began interrogating her, first asking if I were a skinhead or mentally retarded (because apparently these are the only two kinds of people who shave their heads). When my mother said that I wasn't mentally retarded, FMIL got upset at being "lied to," saying that I must be retarded because I don't own my own vehicle (I carpool to work and college and pitch in for gas) and because I don't "walk right." She asked my mother if the reason she only has one child is because she was afraid the other children would end up "damaged" like me. Mind you, this all happened over the course of five phone calls; FMIL kept hanging up and then calling back. My mother told her that if she was so concerned that the families should get together, since neither had met the other and I'd only met FMIL briefly, to try and clear the air. To my horror my mother told me that she'd scheduled the meeting for her own house; I made her call FMIL back and change it to someplace public.

The big summit was nothing short of a nightmare. FFIL was barely involved; he stormed up to me, and without introduction shouted that I was never to go near, speak to, or write to his daughter again. He then disappeared to I don't know where for the next hour. FMIL stuck around for the grand inquisition. She informed me that I would never be welcome in her home, or around her family; that I do not have her blessing; that she will do everything in her power to see to it that this "wrong and inappropriate relationship is ended"; that her daughter "has loved before and will love again after she's gotten over you." FMIL says that SO's father cries every day and every night for fear of the safety of his daughter, and that thanks to me, "a family has been destroyed." She belittled me for once having dated a girl who was bipolar; said that her daughter is only with me "because she likes to fix things and you need to be fixed"; and said that even though "it wasn't your fault" that I was abused as a child, it marked me as a future abuser. And this was the extent of the "let's get to know one another" lunch.

SO is furious, humiliated, and a little bit afraid. FMIL calls her on the phone three times a day with new reasons why our engagement is "unholy." Prior to this, SO was incredibly close to FMIL, so having her suddenly turn insane has been a frightening and upsetting experience. She's tried to go days without talking to her but can't bring herself to. At the very least she's told her folks she won't see them again until they accept me, and that if this is still going on come Christmas she's spending it with her girlfriend's family out-of-state (SO and I are both students, so neither of us has a place of our own, and stay with family when we're out of class). FMIL has responded by saying that she plans to be there whenever SO and I are together--SO goes to college a state over, so we visit periodically--and has begun calling more frequently to keep track of our movements. SO has informed campus security of the situation so that FMIL can be prevented from entering campus should she try and pull something.

There really is no set solution to this, so this really is just a rant. FMIL is certifiable and FFIL has no spine and will do/say whatever FMIL tells him to do/say. SO says that they both seem to genuinely fear me, so she doesn't think they'll try to do anything to me or my parents (since she knows where I go to college and has my mother's address). Still, having this woman say such things to my mother, and to me, is sickening, literally. The afternoon I spent with her was like having been exposed to radiation; I feel like an actual poison has been put into me that I'm working hard to purge. SO and I have a little over a year until the wedding, and then we're moving; until then, though, we both have to live under this woman's shadow, and it's a sad, sad thing.

[ElectricBarbarella]

Oh dear.. long story short: I met DH on the internet (horrors!), I was and still am one of *those* girls (goth, little weird, yanno loud, brash..fun); MIL found images of me taking HER SON out to the club (dressed up no less) and decided that I was a horribly bad person, influence, and downright evil.

Point? He stuck up to his mother and told her that he loved me, was marrying me and if she did not like that, tough.

She still does not like me, we can only tolerate each other's presence for maybe 3 days if we are lucky. But at least she shuts her mouth around me.

Point? Mistergrey--can, does, this young lady do that to her parents? Is she willing to tell them to "shut their mouths"? Is she willing to deal with the fallout (which, admittedly, sounds as though it will be MUCH larger than mine was)? Is she willing to put up with the harrassment? Is she willing to "go it alone" (that is, after you two are married, is she willing to realize that gramma/gramps (if kids) may not be present)?

More importantly, are YOU willing to go through the 27th level of Hell for this girl? When you two move, are you both willing to commit to agreement on how to handle her parents?

I don't get people like her parents. They make me mad. Why? Why behave like this? I just don't get it. If you've genuinely done absolutely nothing wrong, you don't deserve that treatment.

[kajerayn]

MisterGrey - I think your FMIL and my MIL may be related. We've gone through similar issues with Mr. Kaj's mother. She's done everything from as mild as calling me names, to as wild as claiming to the police that I kidnapped him, and also threatening to have me killed. It's a very difficult situation for you to be in and I know it's tearing both you and your SO to pieces mentally. The only way that Mr. Kaj & I have been able to move past it is to completely remove his mother from our lives. We don't engage her in any shape, form, or fashion. No calls, no visits. It's been extremely tough for him.

You can PM me if you want to talk.

[Beejtronic]

Wow, that's a really tough situation. I can commiserate somewhat. My mom was pretty nuts when I was younger (though she's gotten better, and me and the SO don't have any real issues with each other's parents.) The only advice I can really offer is to not be afraid to call security or police if she starts to harass you. There are plenty of times I wish I had called the police on my mom, and never did. I was lucky things didn't get dangerous.

[crocoduck_hunter]

Originally Posted by Beejtronic

Wow, that's a really tough situation. I can commiserate somewhat. My mom was pretty nuts when I was younger (though she's gotten better, and me and the SO don't have any real issues with each other's parents.) The only advice I can really offer is to not be afraid to call security or police if she starts to harass you. There are plenty of times I wish I had called the police on my mom, and never did. I was lucky things didn't get dangerous.

And if that doesn't work, I'm sure you'll have no trouble convincing the jury that you were entirely justified...

[rhiandmoi]

Yikes. What a terrible situation. Congratulations on your engagement, but good gourd do you have my condolences about that FMIL.

Obviously the most important person in this situation is your SO, who in a pretty devastating way just found out her mother is a nutjob. Try to just let her come to terms with that, she will probably be really torn up about this for a long time.

[Just Jocko]

Honestly, your SO has to decide how she wants to deal with this. It's a horrible situation she's been put into and, like you said, a terrible way for her to realize what her parents are really like. If it's any comfort to you, I think that her mother was probably waiting for something to not like about you, since your SO seems not to have any inkling prior to this that her mother's crazy (the only other explanation for her behavior). I suspect that any guy that her daughter wanted to marry would have been rejected for one reason or another, the picture just happened to give her your reason. That said, her reaction is still extreme to the nth degree. I really, really suspect that she's always had something wrong, but perhaps your SO didn't realize it or her parents did a good job of hiding it (a good friend of mine had no idea for 20 years that her father was bipolar to the extent of needing hospitalizations, her parents hid it very very well).

Now, how to deal with it: your SO's not going to like this, but the only way that will work is for her to cut her mother off completely. That means tell her mother not to contact her any more - no phone calls, changer her cell phone number, her apartment/dorm room number, tear up any mail unread, etc. Perhaps over time her mother will decide to be more reasonable, but I doubt it. A few months (not days, months) down the road, if she really wants to, your SO could contact her parents to see if they've changed their tune. But I really doubt anything will change. And, quite frankly, the two of you will live your lives in fear over what she might do unless and until you get away from her. Waiting until you're through with college is not soon enough, really.

If her mother escalates things to actual threats and/or approaching any of you, you will probably need to get a restraining order. Seriously. It would be one thing if she'd had this initial reaction and thent hings died down, but they haven't and, for whatever reason, I don't think they will.

[Ana Ng]

Just watch your back- ex-MIL got it in her head early on that I was elitist and snobby (I got homesick once staying at her house and she took offense that I cried and missed my own house, in a whole other country) and while it wasn't the reason I ended up divorced, the seeds of doubt my mother and brother in law planted certainly worked to weaken the foundation of my marriage.

While your girlfriend may love you and and you guys may have a great relationship, just be really careful. Vengeful relatives can cause very real damage to a relationship. Even now with my own relatives I try to keep what they say about relationships in check- people will take a mile if you give them an inch and not everyone advises in your best interests. Being in a relationship or even married has enough pitfalls without people coming in and trying to cause you problems. But luckily it sounds like your girlfriend sees through it, so it could all turn out well in the end.

[pickle]

That’s a tough one. Marriage is difficult even when you don’t have people who are actively working to sabotage it. Even if your SO says she’s willing to cut off contact with her parents, keep in mind that parental influence can be very strong, and there will probably still be at least some sort of contact.

My only real advice here is this:
Problems in a marriage are not divvied up like a deck of cards, with each partner getting a list of problems they have to fix to make the other person happy. Any problems will affect both of you and should be solved together. I don’t think this is just your SO’s problem to solve. It affects both of you. I really think this is a problem you all should solve before you get married. By solve, I mean come up with a reasonable plan to how to deal with the fact that her parents are destructive - not how to change her parents, because I doubt you’ll succeed in that.

• Talk to each other about where you all will spend holidays - because chances are one of you will suffer - either she will have to miss her family, or will you have to sit thru another radiation bath each holiday.

• Talk about having children, and the fact that she may want her mom around then. (And even if you don’t plan on having kids, I’d discuss it anyway because things happen.)

• You all should even talk about fighting - what happens when you all fight? Just try to set some sort of rules about what gets discussed outside the family. Everyone needs to vent sometimes, but keep in mind that venting about a spouse after a fight may relieve stress, but venting about matters highly personal, or venting to some (such as malignant FMIL) may cause harm.

(Yikes, but I ramble.)

[Embra]

Wow.
I think Pickle's advice is pretty wise I would just add that once you've agreed things, you don't have to stick rigidly to those plans if they turn out not to work: agree to be flexible, and that you will always take time out of a difficult situation in order to work things through in the future. ETA it's almost like you need a "safe word" for scary family situations: something to covrtly remind you that you're a pair and to arm you against all that "outrageous fortune"...

You mentioned that the "clear the air" meeting was your own mother's idea, but it's not clear whether she was actually there. If you (and your SO) have a good relationship with your mum, could she help as a mediator? It sounds as though she reacted incredibly calmly to your FMIL's call!

Even when you get on well with your in-laws, things can get tricky. I love my MIL, but we don't see eye to eye on a number of parenting issues! We're still learning how not to tread on one another's toes...

[Arrow Tech IV]

I feel a lot of sympathy towards your situation, but wonder whether your fiancee is actually as committed to you as she'll need to be for a long term relationship/marriage that is fairly unaffected by her mother.

What I mean by this is that your fiancee has, obviously, already revealed a number of things that you told her in confidence. For instance, you confessed you were abused and she was the second person you had ever told -- but she passed this on to her poisonous mother. The two of them seem to be very close, probably too close, to easily move apart. If they do, then that will be another thing (that close relationship) that the MIL will blame you for. Eventually, if you do have any difficulties whatsoever, if your spouse is accustomed to revealing intimate details about her SO's, she's likely to slip back into the habit. Thus, every time you have any little spat or disagreement, you'll not only need to patch things up with your SO, but you'll have to deal with the new truckload of ammunition that angry MIL has just acquired.

Your fiancee also sounds very...young. Your profile says that you are 23, so I would assume that she is the same age or even younger. When you get older, usually you've had enough "Back the hell out of my life" situations with interfering parents that you can set clear boundaries. It's possible that this might be one of those unfortunate situations that allows your fiancee to set clear boundaries in the future, but at the sacrifice of your current relationship.

I hate to bring up worst case scenarios, but I like to always plan for them. The above is obviously a worst case scenario.

[redspider]

Wow that story would be funny if it wasn't true! ( but then )

I can't understand why she's got it into her head that you're a rapist/murderer/fascist, maybe she's just an overprotective mother whos gone into hyperdrive. Maybe she can't bear to have her daughter taken away from her, and she justifies this by accusing you of being a horror, rather than doing the mature thing and owning up to her real emotions.

I suspect it'll take a while for her to come around. She'll probably get the message when her daughter tells her she's doing more (needless) damage to their relationship than the one between you and your SO. Eventually.

[mizzie]

I agree with Just Jocko and Pickle on this one. I'm going to second that this is something that needs to be worked out between you and your SO before the wedding. You can push it back if needed, this is important.

The two of you need to decide what level of interaction this woman will have with the two of you and what you are going to do about specific situations. This includes calling the police on her (if needed), restraining orders and cutting off all contact (including changing phone numbers, moving, etc.) Be sure you are both clear on what is going to happen so there are no bitter feelings later.

A couple of suggestions:

If you take Just Jocko's advice and cut off all contact for a time, then your SO wishes to reconnect with her, make sure you do it in a way where she can't find you if she hasn't mellowed out. For example, you could set up a PO box and mail a letter from there so she can contact your SO without having your phone numbers or address.

Also, if you plan to have children (or even if you don't, but have one anyway) be very, very clear on what level of interaction your FMIL will have with them and what you will do if she gets toxic. I worry that once children are in the mix, your SO will want them to get to know their grandmother. If so, I wouldn't put it past this woman to say evil things against you to the children. You both need to agree on a plan of what to do if this happens.

Long story short, this is a horrible situation for you and even worse for your SO. I hate to say it, but this could damage your relationship beyond repair if you don't work hard on it. You and your SO need to sit down and have a very long talk on what you are going to do about it. And that plan can't include "I'm sure she'll come around." Assume she won't. If you can't do that, don't get married until you can.

[crescent]

It's a shot in the dark here, but FMIL sounds religious - that could be a big part of the problem, or, it could help, sort of.

If she feels this way for reasons of mis-guided religion, it may be possible to talk to her minister. If she is part of any sort of mainstream religion, a minister could talk to her and have soem influence. On the other hand, she could be attending some sort of fire and brimstone church, in which case you might be out of luck on that front.

Not knowing you or the situatoin first hand, it is hard to have useful advice. Your SO is in a terrible situation, and has some brutally hard choices to make. All of her options involve hurting poeple she loves and setting the course for the rest of her life.

I don't envy either of you - good luck.

[greenfrog78]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this Mister Grey. Here's my concern about the situation, a person does not go from sane to insane that suddenly or over a picture of a halloween costume. The real deal is her mother hates you because she picked you out for herself. Mommy didn't get to pick out or even approve of you and because of that she was looking for any excuse to show your evilness and the picture gave her that. It's about control, her daughter not letting her control her actions. My concern is that your fiancee has been living with and has been taught to appease that maddness that her mother exhibits.

I am concerned though that the level of controlling behavior that exhibits itself as that kind of insanity does not come out of nowhere and it didn't start suddenly. Your SO is probably conditioned to her mothers unhealthy controlling ways and they didn't seem odd to her until she made the choice to marry the person she loves and didn't change her mind when Mother wanted her to. It's a very directed insanity and one that is taught into the children who live under controlling parents. You guys need to figure out how you are going to handle this, she needs to figure out how she will continue to handle this if her mother continues this campaign of hate against you. I'm kind of surprised that she's still talking to her mother right now at all if she's calling three times a day to be nasty about you. She is going to have to take back all control from her mother and learn not appease her in any way. She's got a good start saying she won't see them until they accept you but it's the tip of the iceberg IRT the boundaries that need to be set. She needs to decide on healthy boundaries, inform her parents and have an action plan in place for when they overstep their boundaries(and they will, count on that). I actually recommend you guys find a good therapist or counselor and make them part of your support team for dealing with her. You can't make your lunatic FMIL go to therapy, but you and your SO can go and get the best tools you can find to protect you both from her poison.

Best of luck to you both.

[Ellestar]

Just one quick thing:

I'm going to disagree with previous posts and really warn against having your SO cut off communication with her mother. It might be the best thing for your relationship with her, but it's something that she must decide to do on her own without any prodding from you. Her mother will probably be doing research, and one of the first signs someone will become abusive is when he or she isolates their SO from their friends and family. If your SO isolates herself (which, again, sounds good for your relationship), it has to be 100% her idea and doing or else your FMIL will come out with teeth and claws bared to save her daughter. She might, anyway, so your SO has to have all of the courage and knowledge that it WAS her idea to cut off her mother.

My only advice is to ask your SO to not talk to her mother about what goes on between the two of you. Tell her it's not her mother's business, outside of just letting her mother know that she's fine and happy in her relationship with you and that if she wants to know anything about you, she can ask you directly. Now is the time to start setting up your own boundaries with you and your relationship with your SO and your relationship with your FMIL. It's up to your SO to build her own boundaries.

[snoozn]

Like greenfrog78, I think this woman is a control freak and did not suddenly turn into a maniac over a questionable Halloween photo. She is twisting everything. I know I would have worries if my daughter were to date someone who had been raised by an abusive family, but I would not think that a kid who had a stable family and was short-term abused by a teacher (while still a horrible situation, of course) would make the kid more likely to be an abuser as an adult. This woman is just looking for excuses to rationalize her awful behavior.

I am also a bit put off that your SO cannot go "days" without talking to her mother. If a person cannot go at least a couple of weeks without parental contact, they are probably not ready to get married, even if there aren't additional huge problems such as her parents are causing. She may not be aware of how controlling her mother has (probably) always been, but it seems she's been raised to think she cannot separate. I would be impressed, though, if she follows through on not seeing them until they accept you.

I think it's good you are not getting married soon, as the two of you have a lot to work out. And good on your mom for remaining so calm and trying to help you in your relationship with SO. Sounds like your mom will be a good MIL.

[rhiandmoi]

I disagree with the generality that if a person can't go for weeks without talking to their parents they aren't ready to get/be married. I talk to my parents nearly everyday and definitely miss them if I go a few days without talking to them. Obviously if the relationship is unhealthy or controlling that is a different story, as it is with the relationship here. But in general I don't see any reason to be put off by a person that has a close relationship with their parents.

[ElectricBarbarella]

Originally Posted by rhiandmoi

I disagree with the generality that if a person can't go for weeks without talking to their parents they aren't ready to get/be married. I talk to my parents nearly everyday and definitely miss them if I go a few days without talking to them. Obviously if the relationship is unhealthy or controlling that is a different story, as it is with the relationship here. But in general I don't see any reason to be put off by a person that has a close relationship with their parents.

Yeah, I was about to post this very thing. My mother (not the MIL) and I don't get along for abusive reasons, but I've learned how to deal with her (as has the husband) and I still talk to her every day, at least. I wouldn't say I'm close to her, but I am closer than I should be (if I told you everything she's done). I don't hate her, but don't particularly care for her (when she starts acting up).

And I still talk to her every day, or very near to it.

[snoozn]

I don't mean to imply that people who talk to their mothers every day shouldn't be married--it's more the "she can't bring herself to..." part. If there was a good reason (something other than a Hellish FMIL) not to talk to her, could you? What if you and your husband had an opportunity to take a fantastic trip, but cell phones service was outrageously expensive in this wonderful destination? Would you go on a two week trip without motherly phone contact (and let's assume that emergency contact is available) or stay home?

I guess it's just changing times. When I was in college and a young married person, there were no cell phones and long distance calls were expensive. But I would hope that even in today's wired culture, adults could go without parental contact for at least a few weeks. And in this case, there's a very good reason for the SO to limit contact, though I agree with Ellestar that it should be something the SO chooses to do, rather than MisterGray pressuring her to do so.