Woman called my daughter retarded

[snoozn]

I'm so angry I'm surprised I can type. (And sorry this is long--apparently I can't edit atm either).

A little background:
Me: mild-mannered, quiet, shy, non-confrontational
My kids: generally described as well-behaved (and not just by family!). They're not angels, but I'm lucky that they are pretty much kind-hearted and easy-going.
Middle daughter in particular: Autistic and the most determined kid I know. She's made great strides. She's a bit more sensitive than normal now, due to being held back a grade and is sometimes frustrated it takes her longer than other kids to accomplish things.
Woman at the dog park: biggest NFBSKing asswipe on the face of the earth.

Here's the story:
My younger kids and a couple of their friends and another kid were playing at the dogpark. Kids ages about 8-12. They were running around, having fun climbing a huge stump and chasing each other, occasionally using a broom as a play sword, but clearly being careful since no one screamed “Mom, she/he hit me” even though siblings were involved. They were noisy, as kids sometimes are outside, but it's a huge dogpark and they were staying right around the stump/castle area, so any child-hating adults could easily be completely out of range of them. (And no, I'm not really implying that anyone who doesn't like being around playful kids is child-hating, I'm still just very, very angry).

So, I'm talking to my friend, and this woman comes up and asks if those are my kids. I say “some of them.” She says “Well, they're extremely obnoxious and I think they should leave.” Well, I'm a bit horrified that apparently one of the kids has said or done something to this woman or her dog, and thinking maybe it was that kid I didn't know, even though he seemed nice enough. We ask what they did. She says that they're running around yelling and poking each other with broom sticks. We ask if they've done anything to her or her dog. She's says no, but she's very offended by how obnoxious they are and wonders if they're retarded or something. Well, I was getting quite mad here, but I generally prefer to avoid the assholes of the world. My friend suggests that this woman go parent her own children and she walks in a huff. My friend and I talk a bit more and then my daughter comes up sobbing. She says (barely able to speak) “Mom, that woman called me retarded!”

Well, mild-mannered snoozn is up like a shot and in that woman's face. “Did you call my child retarded?!!!” She says “Well those kids are acting retarded.” Now, I can't remember the rest of what was said, I was in such a fume of anger as I can hardly remember. But I made clear my disgust and shock. I told her that my daughter was autistic and had worked hard to get where she was and now wasn't this woman happy that she, a supposedly mature adult had made my daughter feel like crap and brought her to tears. Well, then she said “Oh, I didn't know, I'm sorry.” I asked her if that meant it was okay to go around calling “normal” kids retarded and I think it was my friend who said that she really should apologize to my daughter, which she did. I don't think it was really sincere, it was more of a “Shit, I must look like the biggest asswipe on the planet and I just want to get out of here” apology. But at least it was an apology. I'll give her that crumb of credit for being a human being. She went to the far side of the dogpark and didn't return while we there (though we left soon after).

Well, I'm not following the advice I gave my daughter. She was still shaking and crying after all this and I told her that that woman's opinion was not worth anything and that the opinions to listen to were those of people like her friend, who was standing there hugging and comforting her. Even her brother gave her a hug and told her she was a great sister. So, there is the silver lining in the cloud left by that horrid woman. Your true friends and family stand with you and they really are the ones who matter. Even her big sis, on being the whole sordid story when we picked her up, said that if we ever saw that woman again, she would beat the Hell out of her. (She wouldn't—she's very peaceful, but it's the thought that counts, eh?)

Okay, I'm going to try to take my own advice and let go of my feelings toward someone who doesn't deserve that much time and energy. But it's hard when me bear cubs is threatened!

[Errata]

It must have taken admirable restraint not to show the woman the business end of a broomstick.

I don't mind kids playing at a park, that's perfectly appropriate for a park. But I do cringe whenever I'm sitting at the park and an unsupervised kid comes running by and presses all the botanical garden self tour buttons. The things drones on about plant species for 10 minutes, and the kid is long gone because they don't care about anything it says, they just can't resist pressing buttons. I swear the ratio of people actually taking the tour to kids running by pressing all the buttons is at best 1 in 100.

[woohmom]

Ahhhh, what a horrible evil woman! I really really really hate when people use the word "retarded" for anything other than well, clinically diagnosed mental retardation. And really, that tends to be called "developmental delay" these days, so really, there's no use for it. And here's a prime reason why, you ended up looking like a horse's petoot when you use it.
And give yourself some time. Fight or flight kicked in, your body got ramped up, your brain got ramped up. It takes a while to come back from that. My last MAJOR confrontation, I was jittery over it for hours afterwards.
Give the kids some extra hugs, do something relaxing, and then listen to your motherly wisdom.

[Halfmad]

Wow, that blows my mind -- who would say something like that to a child, no matter what was up her youknowwhat about their behavior? I am enraged and so saddened for you.

Sounds like you did the right thing. You other kid and daughter's friends sound pretty great, too.

[Ms. K]

Ohhhh, them's fightin' words!

I think you showed massive self-restraint. I'm not so sure I could have been so kind.

And frankly, that woman got exactly what she deserved, and managed to look like the biggest asshole in the county, hon.

[llewtrah]

Much as I am highly intolerant of children, I remember from my own childhood that using sticks/broomsticks/cardboard tubes/etc as swords or as just general poking implements is normal behaviour. Heck, it's normal behaviour in some adults except the sticks are more expensive, light up and are called light sabres. Maybe the woman had spent her life being passively entertained and has suffered some retardation of her own imagination.

[Lainie]

I asked her if that meant it was okay to go around calling “normal” kids retarded . . .

Or kid with mental delays, for that matter.

[Magdalene]

Wow......okay, if the woman had just simply complained about the kids running wild at a *dogpark*, I could understand (that's been a problem at some, where people bring their kids who run wild, dogs get revved up, then parents of the kids are complaining that the dogs are 'after' their kids, whereas the rest of us are sitting there thinking, "Well, this is a *dogpark*, it's for the *dogs*"....)

I could even see her telling the kids they shouldn't be running around wild like that with all the dogs around off-leash. But to call them 'retarded'?

So what's this dogpark? Maybe next time you're there, I could bring The Ebil Greyhounds and release them on the stupid NFBSK.

Magdalene

[snoozn]

Thanks for the kind words from everyone (even llewtrah takes the kids' side--that really does mean a lot!)

It helped a lot that my friend was there, but then it was tough when I got back home. I had just taken my husband to the airport, and I did not want to ruin his flight by telling him about this, but I had to share with someone!

And just to clarify, the kids were not revving up other people's dogs. What was so mind-boggling was that this angry woman couldn't even come up a good reason to be mad at them. Just that they were loud and obnoxious and poking each other with sticks. She admitted that they'd done nothing to her or her dog or any other adult or dog. If anyone at a dog park told me my kids were bothering them or bothering dogs, I would put a stop to it immediately (if it was true).

As for the term "retarded", I think it has been pretty much replaced with "developmental delays" (which is the term that's been used for my daughter by doctors, schools, etc.) And if I ever heard any of my kids calling anyone retarded, well, they just wouldn't, but if they did there would be Hell to pay. Our family is more sensitive to this than most and the kids know not to even kid about being "stupid" or "dumb" (as applied directly to people--they can say "That was a stupid thing to do!")

And yes, I'm still ramped up about this this morning, though the kids and I managed to have a pretty good evening and forget about her for the most part. What my daughter keeps bringing up, is the question of why did the woman single her out as being retarded. Apparently, she yelled in general at the kids, asked them to give her the broom (which my son did) and then specifically said to my daughter "Are you retarded or something?" (Or similar words). Her siblings and I are doing everything we can to make sure she understands that she was not singled out because she actually seemed retarded. She was singled out because she came across as the easiest target (i.e. quiet and shy, not likely to talk back) for a mean bully, and mean bullies are good at sussing out easy targets. So, while I'm trying to forget about this horrible person, I'm having to rebuild my daughter's shaky self-confidence.

Magdalene, I can say that the devil inside me would love to see this woman set upon by a pack of ebil greyhounds! This was at Valmont dog park in Boulder, though according to my friend the horrid woman was not a regular. Even so, I'm still not sure I'll ever be able to go there again, at least if I have the kids with me.

[DemonWolf]

I think that woman was retarded. Her ignorance certainly reveals her lower-than-average intellect.

[Chloe]

Originally Posted by llewtrah

Much as I am highly intolerant of children, I remember from my own childhood that using sticks/broomsticks/cardboard tubes/etc as swords or as just general poking implements is normal behaviour.

Heck, even today I can't be trusted with the cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper.

[DemonWolf]

Originally Posted by Chloe

Heck, even today I can't be trusted with the cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper.

Ah. Another Cardboard Tube Samurai. I tend to stockpile them, as they rarely survive battle.

[Mama Duck]

I can imagine how angry you are and bravo for not backhanding her right then and there. I hope you and your daughter regain your equilibrium soon.

~My inner mommy is screaming "Don't run with sticks!"~

[purpleiguana]

Coming up to you and calling the kids retarded (because it seems that she was dubbing them all retarded simply because of the way they were playing) is unbelievably rude. But what followed seems to have been: "I don't like these kids, so I tell their parents, and they do nothing. I insult them so they'll shove off, but mom's not scaring. I guess it's time to go up to the kids themselves and make them cry."

I mean, honestly... what sort of completely horrid person does that? Apparently, that kind.

snoozn, I'm so sorry you are forced to share the planet with such a cow.

[BatmanBeatles]

I feel for you. This is something a mother of a special needs child dreads. I know. I've been there. You showed a lot of restraint. Like someone upthread said, those were fightin' words!

[llewtrah]

Originally Posted by Chloe

Heck, even today I can't be trusted with the cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper.

Tarquin and I (or Tarquin's flatmate and I) have been known to have light-sabre fights with suitable objects. The metal vacuum cleaner extension tubes spring to mind ....

I've lost count of the times my sisters and I and a couple of their friends have been conquistadors, Arthurian knights, merry men (with quarterstaffs) or generic tribal hunters with spears (sometimes it was like Lord of the Flies down the bottom of our garden, but without actual fatalities).

A few years ago, a pal in Bristol decided grey-sprayed foam breastplates and foam swords were order of the day so a bunch of geeks in their late 30s could play-fight in the back garden. iI's so much more fun not growing up.

[woohmom]

I can't get over the fact that there were broomsticks available, and she wasn't wacked upside the head with one. Shows INCREDIBLE restraint!

[Namowal]

Originally Posted by snoozn

I'm so angry I'm surprised I can type. (And sorry this is long--apparently I can't edit atm either).

...my daughter comes up sobbing. She says (barely able to speak) “Mom, that woman called me retarded!”

What kid of person tells a kid they're "retarded" or "acting retarded?" That's just mean! I've met that type before. Always pushing buttons, slinging insults and looking for fights.

[Starla]

I am so proud of you for confronting her! Maybe it's just me, but as much as I would like to say I'd have to be held back from grabbing a broomstick and swinging, I'm more likely to grab my kids and just leave. Words don't come and I just kind of shut down, or I'm afraid of escalating a bad situation. Anyway, I think it took courage to go over there and get in that woman's face. It's just possible that you did teach her to keep words like "retarded" to herself. Even if her opinion wasn't totally changed, she might be afraid of another parent getting in her face some day.

You did well by your kids. I bet that seeing you defend her did a lot to help your daughter feel loved.

[MidgardDragon]

Originally Posted by Namowal

What kid of person tells a kid they're "retarded" or "acting retarded?" That's just mean! I've met that type before. Always pushing buttons, slinging insults and looking for fights.

These were my thoughts exactly. I can't imagine anyone telling a kid they're "retarded". What kind of hateful, ignorant **** do you have to be to think that's appropriate?