Waiting for a loved one to die

[geminilee]

I am sitting at my parent's house in North Carolina, where my father is rapidly losing his battle with Alzheimer's. I am here with my mother, one sister, and a niece. We are sitting around waiting for the end to come.

Now, the point of the thread: I always feel like a vulture when it comes to this; just sitting around waiting for them to die. Does anyone else feel like this, or at least understand what I mean? It is a vaguely creepy feeling. I can't help but think I can't be alone in feeling like this. I felt the same when we were waiting for my grandfather to pass, but this seems a million times worse because it is my father.

[tribrats]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Auntie Witch]

From what I understand, it's normal. I hated waiting for Mom to go, and wrestled with so many emotions during that time. A friend of mine is waiting on her MIL to die, and she said that there are times when she wishes the woman would just let go.

It's not wrong, it's perfectly normal, and there's no need to feel guilty about it. You're wanting someone you love to quit suffering. It's a very noble thing, to accept it's going to happen and make peace with it, instead of the opposite I see sometimes: people who are sitting there saying, "Well, he'll get better!" when someone is terminal

Lots and lots of hugs to you. My PM box is open any time you need to vent.

[Mama Duck]

It's called "keeping vigil". And there is no right way to feel about it. With my grandfather on my mom's side, it was a bittersweet thing that I'm very glad I got to be a part of. However, this isn't always the case. Everyone has a unique experience watching a loved one struggle hrough this last battle. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[Lachrymose]

Yeah, I kind of felt the same way too when I lost my father last month.

*hugs*

[babyshoes]

I'm sorry, geminilee. It's hard.

During the last 8 months or so of my mother's life, there were times I almost felt dizzy from my mood swings. I hated seeing her losing a bit more ground almost every day.

The waiting & watching hurts, I know. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

[GalateaDancer]

My dad died a slow and painful death from lung cancer back in 1999. I lived about 5 hours away, but when the hospice people said they were pretty sure he was going within days, I drove out and stayed with my mom for a week until he finally passed. He was at home at that point, so I had to be there while everyone came around to say their final goodbyes, and to do very little except watch him slip from coherent, to completely whacked out, to a coma in the space of 6 days.

Everyone said (and some still sometimes say) how wonderful it was that I was able to be there the whole time, and what a special time it must have been. However, I pretty much hated every minute of it, and wished like hell I was anywhere else on the planet than sitting in that living room watching my dad suffer hour after endless hour. I think sometimes people not going through the situation personally confuse reality with a Lifetime movie of the week. It was crappy, awful, painful and draining, and I couldn't wait for the inevitable to happen.

[Morgaine]

I have not sat with someone as they died but I have been the person waiting for someone to call & say that a love one has died. It was one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life & I don't know how people actually sit in the room while someone dies. I'm sure at some point it will be my 'turn' but the little bit I experienced was not pleasant.

I'm very sorry you're going through this. And I agree with Galatea. The whole 'Beauty of Death' thing rarely is.

[Auntie Witch]

Originally Posted by GalateaDancer

It was crappy, awful, painful and draining, and I couldn't wait for the inevitable to happen.

Amen to that. I think I flirted with madness a bit that last night with Mom. I started questioning the ethics of pillows, overdoses, and anything else I'd previously read about people doing to elderly/infirm family members with disgust prior to that night.

[GalateaDancer]

Originally Posted by Auntie Witch

Amen to that. I think I flirted with madness a bit that last night with Mom. I started questioning the ethics of pillows, overdoses, and anything else I'd previously read about people doing to elderly/infirm family members with disgust prior to that night.

I remember thinking at one point that it was a good thing that there wasn't a gun in the house, and that even if there had been I wouldn't have a clue how to use it. It just all seemed so pointless and endless...*sigh*

Last year, my FIL died after a longish bout with prostate cancer. He was supposed to have at least a few weeks left, and we planned a visit for the next week (we live 10 hours away) when he suddenly took a turn for the worse and died after a really awful 48 hours. DH was so upset that we hadn't been able to be there, and all I could do was cry and say what was in my heart. Which was that it was better that way, that he didn't have to watch his dad suffer,and that his dad didn't have to see DH put through that. I'll never, ever forget the horrible things I saw and heard when my dad was dying, and I'm glad DH and DD didn't have to experience any of that with FIL.

[geminilee]

He isn't suffering, we don't think, so that is good. He hasn't been conscious for more than a few seconds at a time for days. I am logical (or possibly cold-hearted) enough not to feel guilty about wishing it would come faster; at this point it is inevitable and I have always felt the value in life was what one could do with it and the happiness they could have. His experiences (other than possibly dreams) have ended. I can sort of accept that.

But sitting and watching and waiting... That part is so hard for me. Part of it is the helplessness, part of it is that I just cannot get over the mental image of vultures circling the guy lost in the desert (or possibly even more imediate; vultures roosting on a tree limb waiting for said guy to completely stop moving).

[GalateaDancer]

Originally Posted by geminilee

I have always felt the value in life was what one could do with it and the happiness they could have. His experiences (other than possibly dreams) have ended. I can sort of accept that.

I had a wonderful friend who I spoke to an the phone several times that terrible week; she said something similar and it gave me such comfort. I was talking about how I felt rather guilty for feeling so numb and diasassociated after dad slipped into the coma. She said to me, "Well, his personality is gone. The things that made him "dad" to you are gone. It really only makes sense that for you, it's already happened and you're ready to go on to the next step." I don't know if it was because she was a nurse who had seen many people pass on, or was just an amazingly empathetic person (I suspect both), but I've never forgotten how much relief her words gave me.

[Plurabelle]

Originally Posted by GalateaDancer

I had a wonderful friend who I spoke to an the phone several times that terrible week; she said something similar and it gave me such comfort. I was talking about how I felt rather guilty for feeling so numb and diasassociated after dad slipped into the coma. She said to me, "Well, his personality is gone. The things that made him "dad" to you are gone. It really only makes sense that for you, it's already happened and you're ready to go on to the next step." I don't know if it was because she was a nurse who had seen many people pass on, or was just an amazingly empathetic person (I suspect both), but I've never forgotten how much relief her words gave me.

This. My father died after an almost 5 year bout with cancer and the worst part about his death for me was that when he finally died, I wasn't sad--I was relieved. He had been "dead" for over a year--and I'd done a lot of my mourning already (didn't realize it at the time, though--I was 18 and very immature). I felt like a criminal for not being wracked with cinematic grief, until my friends pointed out their own perspective of how I had been processing things over the years of the disease.

No deaths are easy, and we all deal with death in our own way.

[queen of the caramels]

Hugs geminilee.

My GM had a severe stroke and her body lived for 2 more weeks. They were the longest weeks of our lives. The death was easier for us than we had expected since we had already mourned our loss.

[LyndaD]

I chose not to keep vigil when my mom passed away 10 years ago. I had already said my good-byes two days earlier when she was coherent enough to understand them. What mad her Mom was already gone, and I felt watching the end (peaceful and under sedation) would not benefit me or her.
The fact that I was doing something that made her proud of me --teaching -- when she passed seemed more of an accolade to her continued influence on my life.

(This is not to say I don't think anyone should keep vigil with a loved one. It's a personal choice, and people need to do what they feel comfortable with. My brother sat with my mom, and I don't know that he's ever forgiven me for choosing not to be there).

[smackmac]

We did the vigil around my brother's bed before he passed. The hospice workers told us on November 1 that he wouldn't last the day, so we were all there, then he got better. After a few days, though, he was comatose. His doctor told us it was a matter of time, and he did pass within a couple months, on Christmas Eve.

My father sat with him day in & day out. I couldn't be there as much as I liked, but I was there every other evening. On December 23, after my father left, I held my brother's hand and told him that I would take care of Daddy, would he please just let go and be at peace.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done. I can imagine it's a million times worse for you, geminilee. You have my deepest sympathy.

[GalateaDancer]

Originally Posted by LyndaD

(This is not to say I don't think anyone should keep vigil with a loved one. It's a personal choice, and people need to do what they feel comfortable with. My brother sat with my mom, and I don't know that he's ever forgiven me for choosing not to be there).

I'll be honest - I did it for my mom (I'm an only child), and I did it because I know the rest of my family would have given me endless crap about it had I ducked out. But if it had been completely about my own preferences, I'd have stayed at my own house several hours away until the whole thing was over with.

[Liza]

My stepfather passed away in 2000 from brain cancer. After a year of pointless treatment, they sent him home and told us to let him do what he wanted to do. Play guitar for as long as he had the function, smoke his unfiltered cigarettes, eat all the ice cream and drink all the iced tea he wanted. Basically, they sent him home to begin the death watch. The hospice people were wonderful at getting my mother a respite carer. By the time he slipped into his final coma, he was around the mentality of a toddler, and hospice was in every day. Dealing with a 6'7", 200+# toddler. With compassion and grace. The night he slipped into the coma, a hospice worker came by to show my mother how to give him his meds, including morphine, through the tube. That night, after his first dose, he passed away.

I guess what I'm saying is that hospice workers are some of the most compassionate, caring people on earth. They help families who are in your situation, not just the person who is dying, but the entire family. And after your family member has passed, they go to the next family. And the next, and the next. The sheer love of humanity that that would require boggles the mind.

If you already have hospice involved, you know what I'm talking about. But if you don't, contact them. Even if it's just someone for your family to talk to, they are there.

[snapdragonfly]

I'm so sorry, Geminilee.

I haven't kept vigil, yet, for a close relative, but a very very dear and special friend died of cancer a couple years ago and we (all his friends as well as relatives) stayed in the intensive care waiting room for several days while the family kept vigil in shifts, in there with him - we also got to say our goodbyes - and it was so very sad (I'm trying not to cry now) as this was not a timely goodbye. He was too young. But anyway, a lot of the virtue in keeping vigil, to me, was the support of everyone else and being able to help each other through it.

I'm glad you and your family have each other during this time. And there is no wrong way to deal with this, there is only how you feel, and it's okay.

(hugs) I hope it's merciful and quick and peaceful for your dad.

[geminilee]

I am doing this mostly for mom, I couldn't leave her alone to deal with this. As hard as it is for me, I can just imagine how it must be for her. Actually, what I imagine probably is not even close to the reality of how it mus be.

We have had hospice for a couple weeks now. They have been great, very helpful even when it seemed like we were calling every night (back when he was still here enough to get agitated and try to get up on his own.) Their church has been helpful as well which is good, mom needs all the comfort right now she can get.

Thank everyone for chiming in with your support.