Plane funny

[Tarquin Farquart]

The title alone is worth a groan at the pun...

Pilot Error Funny Stuff! Actual exchanges between pilots and control
towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the
little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[llewtrah]

I work for a company with aviation links (mostly military, but we had a civil aviation arm for a while). Some of us were intrigued by the cockpit chatter and between us we amassed a huge collection. We put together some plausible ones we knew to be fake. Our fakes now circulate as "true" with some of the cockpit chatter emails and posts. No doubt many of the others started out that way too.

[WildaBeast]

I heard a story about an airline captain who accidentally made his entire "Welcome aboard..." speech to air traffic control instead of to the passengers over the public address system. The controller replied "Thanks for the info, but I think the people in back might be more interested."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727.

Wasn't the 727 only used for domestic flights? What would a United 727 be doing in London?

[Esprise Me]

That last one is awfully sexist. Ground control is never supposed to lose their cool; the fact that the story goes to such great pains to explain it's a female who does so over such a minor occurrence is telling.

Alright guys, if you don't want to hear a LOT of intricate details then you might want to skim over my post.

*Pulls out nitpick*

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

If you were to tell an aircraft that they had "Traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" then you would not be giving the traffic call correctly. That is not enough information, it is an error in phraseology and it is grounds for potential disciplinary action. When you give a traffic call (in an Enroute or Tracon environment) you must give (a) the traffic's position relative to the 12 hour clock, (b) the distance from the traffic (c) the direction the traffic is moving, (d) the type of traffic, and (e) the altitude of the traffic. A real traffic call would sound something like "Delta 351, traffic--6 miles, southbound, MD-80, descending out of 6,000."

Additionally, I didn't do many of those types of traffic calls when I was working in a tower, as my responsibilities were the runways and taxiways and Tracon was responsible for the departure aircraft right after takeoff and with the arrivals until they were on close-in final. The types of traffic calls usually coming from a tower (at least at a Class B or C facility, which is the most likely kind for a Delta airliner to be flying into or out of) is more to the effect of "Traffic is an MD-80 on short final for the parallel," "Company traffic is in place; will depart prior to your arrival", or "Caution, wake turbulence--departing heavy Boeing 747, wind 250 at 10." Now, it is possible for tower controllers using a D-BRITE to issue Tracon-like traffic advisories, but they would sound like the advisory I wrote in the prior paragraph.

And I won't even say anything about the pilot's supposed reply about digital watches except that I doubt any pilot who has worked his/her way up to being an ATP would fail to recognize the importance of traffic calls and joke around like that.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

No. The correct phraseology for this situation would be "TWA 2341, turn xxx degrees right, vectors for traffic." When issuing a vector it is important to tell the pilot why you are issuing such a vector; straight-up lying about it (such as saying it's for noise abatement instead of for traffic) is flat-out wrong and grounds for discipline. Also, when telling a pilot the number of degrees to turn, you must say "Turn xxx degrees left/right," not "Turn right/left xxx degrees." I know it's a small difference, but it has to be said in that order since it makes it less likely to be mixed up with assignment of an actual heading ("Turn right heading 345.") Additionally, making any mention of a collision like that is uncalled for and unprofessional, and I'm certain you could get in a lot of trouble for it. I can't see anybody jeapordizing their career for such a howler.

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

I've heard worse from pilots, though that doesn't make me necessarily believe this one is true.

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

I have issued Fokker traffic to pilots and on more than one occasion they've come back with the punchline in this one (or something like it). It's a joke that's pretty well-traveled in the ATC community.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

I find it hard to believe that a CFI would sign off such a student to perform solo cross-countries. I suppose anybody can panic though.

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."

No idea, but I've heard controllers with such senses of humor make comments similar to the ones here in the past.

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

I've heard this story many times before and I always just thought (and still think) it was a joke.

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

It would be inappropriate to tell a flight to contact departure prior to them lifting off; if you were working the local position you would want to be able to talk to them during their takeoff roll if you needed to abort their takeoff clearance or advise them of an unsafe situation. Also, you wouldn't use the word "frequency"; once the flight was airborne you would just tell them to "Contact [SoCal] departure 124.7." Also, I can't see telling someone they were cleared for takeoff "behind" someone else; the prescribed phraseology would be to clear one flight for takeoff, once they were on takeoff roll, tell the second flight to taxi into position and hold, and once the first flight was airborne and separated to clear the second flight for takeoff. You would want to keep both planes on your frequency in any case.

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

No idea, but again, I've heard worse.

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

I've been hearing that joke for years and years and years.....

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Another one I've heard dozens of times.

Originally Posted by Esprise Me

That last one is awfully sexist. Ground control is never supposed to lose their cool; the fact that the story goes to such great pains to explain it's a female who does so over such a minor occurrence is telling.

ATC is not supposed to lose their cool, but that doesn't mean it doesn't ever happen. I haven't ever heard anyone actually start shouting like this lady supposedly did, but I have certainly heard my share of snarkiness over the radios when pilots don't follow instructions (by both male and female controllers).

ETA: Not to say that the lady's supposed reaction (which I really doubt happened anyway) is appropriate, but the situation described in this alleged situation is *not* a minor occurrence. When a taxi instruction is not complied with it is a serious situation, as ATC fully expects all aircraft to comply with their instructions and issues instructions to other aircraft based on that expectation. The worst incursion I ever had was when a 777 took a "wrong turn" and taxied across an active runway less than 3,000 feet from where a 747 was landing perpendicularly to the taxiway. I just about had a heart attack.

[Tarquin Farquart]

Originally Posted by WildaBeast

I heard a story about an airline captain who accidentally made his entire "Welcome aboard..." speech to air traffic control instead of to the passengers over the public address system. The controller replied "Thanks for the info, but I think the people in back might be more interested."

In a similar vein, I heard a story about a captain doing his "Welcome aboard" speech only to suddenly scream "Oh my God!" in the middle of it. After an agonising pause he explained that he'd been passed a cup of coffee in the middle of his spiel only to spill it on his lap. "You should see the front of my trousers," he concluded to which someone piped up "You should see the back of mine!"

[llewtrah]

Class Bravo, isn't it just a teensy bit possible that some of the genuine ones have been simplified for public consumption? I know that rankles with those in the industry (in terms of inaccuracies and omissions) but the vast majority of people reading them have nil knowledge of how things really work and therefore need the simplified version. As for those who do know what really happens, they are entitled to look smugly down on the rest of us.

Pilots have used some of these as after dinner speeches, simplifying and embroidering as appropriate to their specialist or non-specialist audience.

Originally Posted by llewtrah

Class Bravo, isn't it just a teensy bit possible that some of the genuine ones have been simplified for public consumption? I know that rankles with those in the industry (in terms of inaccuracies and omissions) but the vast majority of people reading them have nil knowledge of how things really work and therefore need the simplified version. As for those who do know what really happens, they are entitled to look smugly down on the rest of us.

Pilots have used some of these as after dinner speeches, simplifying and embroidering as appropriate to their specialist or non-specialist audience.

Some of them have happened; as I mentioned, the Fokker one is an old joke that I've heard on many occasions, and I've heard pilots say worse things than the third in the list. As far as most of the others, my point was that they were just flat-out wrong, not just in semantics or phraseology. Somebody telling a plane to turn for a noise abatement when it was actually for traffic or a traffic call with the ensuing pilot's response in the first one would not happen, plain and simple--no matter how watered down it is for non-aviation people.

[Hans Off]

True, but I still find them funny!

I'm sure that a similar list was posted on the old board a while ago that was a lot longer and better...

[llewtrah]

Originally Posted by Hans Off

True, but I still find them funny!

I'm sure that a similar list was posted on the old board a while ago that was a lot longer and better...

I've a whole list of them here (covers the ground crew gripes, cockpit chatter and other wisecracks)

[NovaSS]

This one is true because I was there.

Years ago ( late 70s) I worked at BWI . We used a big ford staion wagon coded named COCO 77 to run around the airport for various reasons. We would call the tower and get permission to run from one side of the airport to the other, across the run ways.

One day we called up the tower and got permission to drive across the other side, Thats all we needed , we floored that old wagon and got it up to over 100 MPH. Just then the tower called down " COCO 77 your cleared for take off"

In his book "Sled Driver", SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later a Twin Beech inquired the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Uh, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

[BoKu]

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."

Old, old joke around here. However, the directions are pretty accurate. If you went through the perimeter fence off the end of runway 30 you'd be in the southbound lanes of 101. Taking the Guadalupe exit then right at Brokaw puts you back on the airport.

Bob "Suites inbound left base one one" K.

[Mnotr2]

I heard the following story from my old boss, an Air Force transport pilot that supposedly happened at Frankfurt International:

Traffic was quite heavy, and there was a long line for departure. To add to this mess, a Lufthansa flight was sitting, trying to rectify a difference between the number of passengers on the flight manifest and the number on board. It seems there were two more passengers on the manifest than there were on the plane and they reported to the tower "we're looking for our last two passengers" or words to that effect. An unidentified pilot in the departure queue keyed the mike and said, "Why don't you check the ashtrays". The Lufthansa pilot refused to move until every crew in the queue had apologized.

Don't know if it's true, my boss had quite a flair for stories, but amusing none the less.

[WildaBeast]

On a similar topic there's this list that's been getting passed around the internet for years and years and years...

I could imagine like the OP a few could possibly be plausable, but for many of them I just can't imagine any compitent aircraft mechanic dismissing a potential problem with a joke, like "Engine found on right wing after brief search" (Not to mention that airliners haven't had piston engines for about 50 years now. Not sure how long the older piston engined planes remained in service, though.)

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[geminilee]

< Pssst. llewtrah already posted that in a link >

Aside from whatever nasty things you can say about ATC at Frankfurt, the airport itself is pretty miserable too...

Anyway - may well be another urban legend but:

A BA flight departing from Frankfurt had been told that, due to the long queue for takeoff, they would have to hold at the gate for 45 minutes to an hour. Needless to say, they were not pleased.
A few minutes later, a Lufthansa flight parked at the next gate over was cleared to depart the gate and head for the runway.
Naturally, the BA pilot was less than amused and pointed out to the tower that he had been ready much earlier and had been told he would have to hold at the gate.
Before the tower could respond, the Lufthansa pilot cut in:
"Ah yes, but we got here early and put our towels on the runway"

If you don't think it's funny, then you're probably not familiar with the stereotypical German tourists at beach holiday destinations, who are (perhaps wrongly) well-known for getting up quite early and putting their towels on deck chairs or other 'nice' spots before going back to their hotel for a leisurely breakfast and whatnot, much to the annoyance of other holidaygoers.

(in the interest of fairness, most of my German colleagues are not familiar with this stereotype, even though I have personally witnessed it repeatedly)

E-

[Eddylizard]

Not really airline related, but one morning I got on a train, the driver of which must have been in a mischevious mood. Over the tannoy:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Welcome to British Rail 6:57 to London Cannon Street.
We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately six feet, and our average speed will be 45 knots.
Please secure all baggage in the overhead racks.
The weather in London is expected to be a pleasant 60 degrees celsius, moderately overcast, with a slight chance of rain.
I hope you have a pleasant trip, and thank you one again for flying British Rail."

Made my day.

[Psihala]

From Llewtrah's link:

Gravity never loses - the best you can hope for is a draw.

I may have missed it in the list, but the other one I hear similar to this one is:

"No matter how hard you try, you can never beat the low altitute record - you can only tie it."

~Psihala

[Ramblin' Dave]

Originally Posted by Eddylizard

The weather in London is expected to be a pleasant 60 degrees celsius, moderately overcast, with a slight chance of rain.

At 60 degrees Celsius, I certainly hope it rained before long!