Most Offensive World Records

[Squishy0405]

Body: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED: Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH: Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZITS: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN: Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

[HollowMan]

Originally Posted by Squishy0405

Body: MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED: Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

This one sounds too much like the cheerleader and football team legend.

LONGEST PUBES: Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

I can't see how. I went several months in Iraq without trimming my armpits, and the hairs did not seem to be any unusual length.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH: Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

Sounds highly unlikely. I don't think that on a day to day basis, the cervix is large enough to have something that size pass through it.

ZITS: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

I guess that would depend on the circumstances. Height of person, initial velocity, effect of gravity. I'm going to say false though. A Google search of 'Carl Chadwick' returns terrorism stuff. Add 'world record' and it comes back with this piece.

WORST DRINK: The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

Google turns up nothing for 'Khoona.'

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'.

With the tampon being served in the drink, I would think that it would absorb much of the liquid, thereby rendering it undrinkable. Even if nothing was absorbed, the presence of the tampon should render the beverage undrinkable.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN: Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

I have absolutely no clue.

LONGEST TURD: The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American who, produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

This thing, I'm pretty sure, wouldn't even fit in a toilet.

MOST PROLONGED FART: Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds

Again, I haven't the foggiest.

[Eddylizard]

Sounds highly unlikely. I don't think that on a day to day basis, the cervix is large enough to have something that size pass through it.

I don't think it is claimed the football went through the cervix (which is usually the diameter of a pinhead) just into the vagina. Which is plausible. Painful but plausible.

I can just imagine the scene at the Guiness World Record offices. Just another boring day until...

"Got another one, somebody shaved a millionth of a second off of the 100 metres sprint."

"Yeah, file it under T for tedious." Yawn. "Anything else in the mail?"

"Whoa, wait a minute. You gotta look at these!"

[Auntie Witch]

Originally Posted by Eddylizard

I don't think it is claimed the football went through the cervix (which is usually the diameter of a pinhead) iust into the vagina. Which is plausible. Painful but plausible.

The cervix is at the end of the vagina. Unless the lady put the football in her uterus, Eddylizard is correct.

Besides, the average newborn is larger than a football. I'm not sure why someone would want to put something that large there, but unless there is tearing, the major pain of childbirth isn't from the stretching of the vagina, but rather, the baby passing through the cervix.

[HollowMan]

Originally Posted by Eddylizard

I don't think it is claimed the football went through the cervix (which is usually the diameter of a pinhead) iust into the vagina. Which is plausible. Painful but plausible.

And that, folks, is why I'm going to be an accountant and not a doctor. Duh.

[Canuckistan]

WORST DRINK

I doubt any reputable records-keeping organization would have a category like this. For one reason.

Define worst.

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

I doubt any reputable records-keeping organization would have a category like this. For one reason.

Define worst.

Exactly.

However, I would not doubt that there is some culture out there that drinks bull semen. I mean, there are people that swallow human semen after certain acts, so I don't see "bull semen" as being implausible.

[Eddylizard]

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

I doubt any reputable records-keeping organization would have a category like this. For one reason.

Define worst.

I had some sort of plum brandy once, which I believe originated somewhere in Eastern Europe. My father got it as a present from the ambassador when he did some work at the embassy. He took one sip, grimaced and put it in the cupboard.

I tried it a few months later. It was utterly vile, and I was violently sick.

I'd take the bull semen drink over that any day.

[Canuckistan]

Originally Posted by Eddylizard

I had some sort of plum brandy once, which I believe originated somewhere in Eastern Europe. My father got it as a present from the ambassador when he did some work at the embassy. He took one sip, grimaced and put it in the cupboard.

I tried it a few months later. It was utterly vile, and I was violently sick.

Was it prepared with essence of Ann Coulter? How about substance of Jerry Falwell?

See, it could always be worse.

[Troberg]

I don't think it is claimed the football went through the cervix (which is usually the diameter of a pinhead) just into the vagina. Which is plausible. Painful but plausible.

I don't doubt that it's possible. I got a video from some friend who thinks it's funny to mail as tasteless videos as possible to people's work email that convinced me that some women could park two average semi trailers there, side by side. It was one of those "Oh my god, she is not going to do that! Holy shit, she's doing it!!! What the eff, not another one before taking the first out!!!" where you just can't look away but wished you had. That woman must have a rubber pelvic bone. Try googling for Amazing Ty, but you have been warned...

[Esprise Me]

Originally Posted by Squishy0405

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL: This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a '**** Pump'.

Drinksmixer.com lists a recipe for a cocktail called a Bloody Tampon. It's not garnished with the genuine article, but prepared to look like it is.

Originally Posted by Esprise Me

Drinksmixer.com lists a recipe for a cocktail called a Bloody Tampon. It's not garnished with the genuine article, but prepared to look like it is.

That. Is. Nasty.

[Stoneage Dinosaur]

ZITS: In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

Wasn't this actually Luke Chadwick?

Saving everyone the trouble:

ETA: world-sex-records (link NSFW, NFBSK) gives information on ejaculatory distances, lengths for pubic hair etc.

[diddy]

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

Was it prepared with essence of Ann Coulter? How about substance of Jerry Falwell?

See, it could always be worse.

Nope. Scent of Fred Phelps.

[Nick Theodorakis]

Originally Posted by Eddylizard

I had some sort of plum brandy once, which I believe originated somewhere in Eastern Europe. My father got it as a present from the ambassador when he did some work at the embassy. He took one sip, grimaced and put it in the cupboard.

I tried it a few months later. It was utterly vile, and I was violently sick.
...

Was it slivovitz?

Nick

[Tarquin Farquart]

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

I doubt any reputable records-keeping organization would have a category like this. For one reason.

Define worst.

Something solid has to be up there as one of the worst drinks.

[Spamamander]

Well, this drink -has- something solid in it... I'd only heard this one described but this site has a picture of it... Brain Tumor.

[Eddylizard]

Originally Posted by Nick Theodorakis

Was it slivovitz?

Nick

It could well have been, but it was a long time ago and I don't remember much. I don't even recall for what embassy my dad was working at when he got it (he was a carpenter and joiner) but Bulgaria seems to ring a bell.

[Eddylizard]

Originally Posted by Spamamander

Well, this drink -has- something solid in it... I'd only heard this one described but this site has a picture of it... Brain Tumor.

You wouldn't spike me you're too mean. Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.

If I medicined you you'd think a brain tumour was a birthday present.

Ten Characters

Originally Posted by Spamamander

Well, this drink -has- something solid in it... I'd only heard this one described but this site has a picture of it... Brain Tumor.

I make this drink called a dirty condom that is kind of like that. it is:

1 oz Dr. Mcgillicuddy's Vanilla Schnapps and a Floater of Tequila Rose poured in slowly.

You know that one scene in American Pie. Yep looks like that. It is a great shot to get somebody for their birthday. I serve it with 2 cashews on the side. I figure it needs some salty nuts.