Real Résumés

[snopes]

One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed
in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet
progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond
to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

[Daphodil]

We once received a resume from a guy that was eight pages long and written in the third person - "John Doe is an excellent employee. John Doe has successfully done blah, blah, blah." We joked it was written by his mom.

[Mycroft]

Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.

[Roadie]

I had an applicant that stated, "I write letters good" in her cover letter.

[franjava]

Originally Posted by Mycroft

Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.

I worked at a t-shirt shop that wanted us to list things like that on our applications. I was wondering if they were hiring sales-people or circus clowns. Turns out the owner was a juggling, yo-yo nerd.

[DemonWolf]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I had an applicant that stated, "I write letters good" in her cover letter.

Was it written by Elly May Clampet?

[AniMajor]

On a college essay, someone I know wrote "Everyone in my class is dumber than me." Luckily, she got someone to proofread it before she sent it.

[Spam & Cookies-mmm]

A friend of mine had "self improvement" in his personal interests section. I gave his resume to my HR guy who said "if he wants a job here, he shouldn't include "self employment" as a goal. I corrected HR, and my friend deleted that line from his resume to avoid future confusion for poor readers.

[Not_Done_Living]

I love the resumes that list every single utility anyone with a windows pc has as "specialised knowledge"..

Such as Defrag.

Or an "expert at Google"
"Proficient with a mouse"
"effective use of Speil Chequing" <-- i saw that on three separate resumes.

[Dactyl]

Originally Posted by AniMajor

On a college essay, someone I know wrote "Everyone in my class is dumber than me." Luckily, she got someone to proofread it before she sent it.

One of my friends on a university essay wrote "thingymajig"(sp?) when referring to some type of measuring device with the intention of looking up the proper name later.

Unfortunately, he forgot.