Spamamander's Glurge-o-Rama

Spamamander · #1 09 February 2007, 07:05 AM

Once I set out for a lovely drive after church. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and I could feel God's glory in the glow of the daffodils in the fields I passed.
Suddenly, I looked down at the gas gauge... it was empty! While I was staring in disbelief at the gauge I almost ran over a puppy in the road, and jerked the wheel violently to one side. I could hear the ghost of my dear departed mother tell me what to do as my life flashed before my eyes... so I yelled for Jesus to take the wheel and sure enough He glided my car safely to the shoulder and it turned out there was really a quarter of a tank of gas left, the gauge was just malfunctioning... maybe He fixed that, too. I caught my breath and looked to the shoulder of the road, and there stood a ragged little blond-haired girl who was looking for the puppy. So I grabbed the puppy and her and put them in the car and started to drive them home. The little girl told me that I should not purchase anything from Target because they supported Atheists and TEH GAY and it turned out she was really an ANGEL!!!11 because I saw her wings poking out of the ragged little dress as she got out of the car in front of a one-room shack in the middle of the daffodils. The puppy left a poo on my car seat but that was ok because I knew I was on my way to a new life. See, when my life flashed before my eyes while I was steering the car back onto the pavement I realised I hadn't been nearly a good enough person letting God control my life in HIS GLORY!!1 and so I followed the little angel girl to the shack where I saw a lady with a newborn baby trying to make her dialysis machine work because the power company shut off her electricity even though they knew she needed a kidney transplant. I took the lady and the baby to the hospital because she looked sick from not being on the machine and they did a blood test on me and it turned out that I could give her a kidney!!! So I gave my kidney and we realised that their kitten needed a transplant too and the puppy I found was able to provide it!! After me and the puppy healed I found out I lost my job because I never bothered to call in while I was having surgery but that was ok because I know God will provide for me and the puppy and I have a little angel girl who watches over me which is why I can't masturbate anymore and I am glad because sex is only for the man I will marry someday and I was sinful in touching my ladygarden. While I was out looking for another job I passed an abortion clinic and I talked a woman into giving me her baby because she was almost ready to give birth and she was going to go in and MURDER it!!!12 because she didn't know it was bad to do she just thought it was a blob of cells. It was then that I met the man of my dreams, he was protesting the murder of babies out in the -40 degree weather with his son in a stroller his wife had died while he was overseas serving his country and we knew God meant for us to be together so we took the lady to the hospital and she had the baby and now we have a baby girl and got married!!1 The social workers wanted to give the baby to a gay couple because they had been together ten years but we showed them that we were much better parents than those evil sodomites who would raise a child to be gay and have sex with goats and stuff. Now because I let Jesus take the wheel and followed my guardian angel I have a husband and a son and a daughter and a puppy. My husband works and I homeschool our beautiful children in the ways of JESUS and AMERICA!!!

If you don't send this to 100 people you HATE AMERICA AND GOD!!11!

Radical Dory · #2 09 February 2007, 08:11 AM

Can't...think...brain...choking...on...glurge...

(And the picture made me dive for my metformin. Well done, Spamamander.

)

inkrose115 · #3 09 February 2007, 04:05 PM

Brain... attemtping to throttle itself with my spinal cord...

But YOMANK.

vison · #4 09 February 2007, 05:46 PM

Incredible.

I think it is safe for you to give up your day job and do this for a living.

If there was a Nobel Prize for Glurge? You'd win.

Well, you would anyway, I guess. Jesus would make sure of that!

glisp42 · #5 09 February 2007, 07:23 PM

Hmmmm

Incomprehensible and nigh unreadible: 10 out of a possible 10

References to Jesus, angels and god in everyday situations: 10 out of a possible 10

Puppies: 10 out of a possible 10

Homophobic: 10 out of a possible 10

Pro Life: 10 out of a possible 10

Pro Millitary: 10 out of a possible 10

Threats: 10 out of a possible 10

Sappy Picture: 10 out of a possible 10

Final Score: 80 out of a possible 80.

Congratulations you have written the perfect glurge. Now I need to go bleach my brain.

Ieuan ab Arthur · #6 09 February 2007, 08:17 PM

Hi Spamamander:

After reading your glurge, my brain is dripping out of my ears and I'm staring vacantly at my computer monitor. It's an excellent example of the glurginary arts.

If I might make one little suggestion: you might want to add a "things were better in the old days" reference. You'd then have your daily alottment of every glurge group.

I'd say "keep up the good work," but I'm afraid that your glurge will escape it's hermetically sealed environment and start running amok through the internet.

Ta ra 'wan,

Ieuan "Aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!!!111ELEVNTY-1!!!-ONE!!!" ab Arthur