The Old Paths

[Open Mike Night]

Recieved this in an e-mail. i took out the hug certificate to keep you from getting completely ill.


THE OLD PATHS
> I liked the old paths, when
> Moms were at home.
> Dads were at work.
> Brothers went into the army.
> And sisters got married BEFORE having children!
>
> Crime did not pay;
> Hard work did;
> And people knew the difference.
> Moms could cook;
> Dads would work;
> Children would behave..
>
> Husbands were loving;
> Wives were supportive;
> And children were polite.
>
> Women wore the jewelry;
> And Men wore the pants.
> Women looked like ladies;
> Men looked like gentlemen;
> And children looked decent.
>
> People loved the truth,
> And hated a lie;
> They came to church to get IN,
> Not to get OUT!
>
> Hymns sounded Godly;
> Sermons sounded helpful;
> Rejoicing sounded normal;
> And crying sounded sincere.
>
> Cursing was wicked;
> Drinking was evil;
> and divorce was unthinkable.
>
> The flag was honored;
> America was beautiful;
> And God was welcome!
>
> We read the Bible in public;
> Prayed in school;
> And preached from house to house
> To be called an American was worth dying for;
> To be called a Christian was worth living for;
> To be called a traitor was a shame!
>
> Sex was a personal word.
> Homosexual was an unheard of word,
> And abortion was an illegal word.
>
> Preachers preached because they had a message;
> And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!
> Preachers preached from the Bible;
> Singers sang from the heart;
> And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!
>
> A new birth meant a new life;
> Salvation meant a changed life;
> Following Christ led to eternal life.
>
> Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God;
> Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord;
> Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
> And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!
>
> Laws were based on the Bible;
> Homes read the Bible;
> And churches taught the Bible.
>
> Preachers were more interested in new converts,
> Than new clothes and new cars.
> God was worshiped;
> Christ was exalted;
> and the Holy Spirit was respected.
>
> Church was where you found Christians
> on the Lord's day, rather than in the garden,
> on the creek bank, on the golf course,
> or being entertained somewhere else.
>
> I still like the old paths the best !
>
>
>
> "The Old Paths" was written by a retired minister
who
>lives
> in Tennessee.


I think the "old paths" must be a way to describe some other dimension with a different earth than I learned about in history class.

[Ryda Wong, EBfCo.]

Thanks for making me vomit so early in the morning. I needed to purge.

[mcolakis]

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> They came to church to get IN,
> Not to get OUT!

Pretty standard "everything was perfect in the old days" stuff, but the above lines puzzled me. What on earth does he mean by "get OUT"? Is this some goofy reference to "coming out of the closet"?

[Open Mike Night]

This was my reply to the sender (I didn't take as much time working on it as i would have liked to):

> I liked the really old paths, when
> Moms were considered property.
> Dads farmed the fields.
> Brothers were drafted into the army and never came home.
> And sisters got married BEFORE having children, or were sent to a nunnery!
>
> Crime paid really well;
> Hard work earned a dollar a day in sweat shops;
> And Al Capone knew the difference.
> Moms could cook over a fire;
> Dads would work or be jailed;
> Children would behave or be sold into indentured servitude..
>
> Husbands bought their wives with dowry;
> Wives had no other option;
> And children were polite or beaten.
>
> Women wore the jewelry;
> And Men wore the leggings and powdered wigs.
> Women looked like ladies;
> Men looked like fops;
> And children were seen and not heard.
>
> People loved the truth,
> And hated a lie;
> They came to church to defend themselves from the inquisition,
> and seldom got back OUT!
>
> Hymns sounded Godly;
> Sermons were full of hellfire and brimstone;
> Rejoicing sounded normal;
> And crying sounded like the plague arrived.
>
> Cursing was wicked;
> Drinking was part of monastic life;
> and divorce was unthinkable, even for a battered wife.
>
> The flag was honored;
> America belonged to the Native Americans;
> And God was forced on them!
>
> We read the Bible in public at witch trials;
> Prayed in school even if you had a different religion;
> And preached from house to house
> To be called an American was worth dying for;
> To be called a Christian had you fed to the lions;
> To be called a traitor by the English government was a sign of respect!
>
> Sex was a personal word, shared by you and your mistress.
> Homosexual was an unheard of word, and homosexuals were jailed.
> Abortion was an illegal word and women died seeking out back alley abortions.
>
> Preachers preached because they were homosexual and it was the only career were you could be single with a bunch of other guys and not questioned;
> And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY over the native americans!
> Preachers preached from the Bible;
> Singers sang from the heart, and not this lousy Karaoke either;
> And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!
>
> A new birth might mean a new life, given the ridiculous child mortality rate;
> Salvation meant a changed life, or a dead heathen;
> Following Christ led to eternal life.
>
> Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God;
> Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord;
> Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
> And being a sinner meant someone was gunning for you!
>
> Laws were based on the Bible even if it meant people were stoned to death outside the city gate;
> Homes read the Bible, because other books were unaffordable to most;
> And churches taught the Bible.
>
> Preachers were more interested in new converts,
> Than new clothes and new cars, since cars weren’t invented yet.
> God was worshiped;
> Christ was exalted;
> and the Holy Spirit was respected.
>
> Church was where you found Christians, if they could afford to,
> on the Lord's day, rather than in the garden,
> on the creek bank, on the golf course,
> or being entertained somewhere else.
>
> I still like the really old paths the best !
>
>
>
> "TheReally Old Paths" was written by a dork in Michigan with too much time on his hands.

I liked your reply Mike...you just forgot to add something about keeping those uppity negroes in their place.

[TrishDaDish]

Originally Posted by mcolakis

Pretty standard "everything was perfect in the old days" stuff, but the above lines puzzled me. What on earth does he mean by "get OUT"? Is this some goofy reference to "coming out of the closet"?

They came to church to get in to God's graces, as opposed to coming to church for no reason other than to get out of a day's work at the office (or at least saying they're going to church; that's pretty much covered at the end of the glurge with the whole "garden/golf course/etc").

[Ieuan ab Arthur]

Hi All:

Yes, this definitely harkens back to the day when Men were Men (Tm) and women were barefoot and pregnant. Uppity folks, such as women, minorities, those that didn't worship in MY church, etc, knew their place. Children were seen and never heard (and we certainly didn't talk about conceiving them). We never smoked, drank spirits or cursed. And Lord help those not in church on Sunday. Yes, America was the Garden of Eden on Earth.

I concur with Open Mike Night's sentiment - I wonder what this guy was drinking or smoking when he wrote this pile of glurge.

The really sad thing is that I know people who would read this, nod wisely, and say to themselves, "Yes, those were the days!"

Ta ra 'wan,

Ieuan "Those were the days?" ab Arthur

[Buckle Up]

Consarnit Mike, I was in the middle of composing my snarky rewriting of this, when you beat me to it. Nice job!

[Open Mike Night]

Originally Posted by Buckleupp

Consarnit Mike, I was in the middle of composing my snarky rewriting of this, when you beat me to it. Nice job!

Unfortunately it was too fast a re-write, but I thought it needed one fast, because it was sent to me by my "brother in law" ( My SO's Brother). He calls me his brother and is fine with the fact that I'm gay, and then forwards me glurge with this in it:

Sex was a personal word.
> Homosexual was an unheard of word

I mean, c'mon, at least read the thing and realize the audience you are sending it to. What a Doofus.

[Buckle Up]

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

I mean, c'mon, at least read the thing and realize the audience you are sending it to. What a Doofus.

I had the same experience with someone forwarding me the most odious racist anti-immigration rant I'd ever read, with an introductory message no less, saying "I know you'll be on board with this...let's celebrate the real America!" I replied and told her to take my name off her board, and that I'd be more interested in celebrating my real American family, which includes several people of Hispanic descent.

[Cactus Wren]

This part:

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> I liked the old paths, when
> Moms were at home.
> Dads were at work.
> Brothers went into the army.
> And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

made me think of a teenaged girl disappearing from school for a year.

This part:

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> Moms could cook;
> Dads would work;
> Children would behave..

made me think of McDonald's with its 1960s policy of employing only boys and men, and of banks refusing to allow a woman to open a bank account without her husband's permission. (Dorothy Allison mentions being 23 -- legally adult -- and single, employed full time, and having a bank require her stepfather's signature.)

This part:

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> Husbands were loving;
> Wives were supportive;
> And children were polite.
>
> Women wore the jewelry;
> And Men wore the pants.

made me think of a quote from Maggie Secara's "Life in Elizabethan England":

Children are the property of their parents, and give them the respect a servant gives his master. Or else.

Wives are the property of their husbands. See previous admonition.

The rest of it just made me keep expecting to see a quote from Pat Buchanan:

There were no politics to polarize us then,
to magnify every slight.
The "negroes" of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches;
and we had ours.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

>
> Hymns sounded Godly;
> Sermons sounded helpful;
> Rejoicing sounded normal;
> And crying sounded sincere.

Except from a boy. Boys don't cry. Stop crying, you sissy.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> Cursing was wicked;
> Drinking was evil;
> and divorce was unthinkable.

So stop doing whatever it is you do that makes him hit you.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> We read the Bible in public;
> Prayed in school;

And scorned anybody who believed in another holy book. Or another version of this one besides the 1611 King James edition.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> Sex was a personal word.
> Homosexual was an unheard of word,

See? If we let him cry or enjoy gardening or read too much, he'll grow up to be a sissy!

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> And abortion was an illegal word.

Except for my wife, my daughter, or my mistress.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> Preachers were more interested in new converts,
> Than new clothes and new cars.

Thank you for your wonderful service, Pastor Gantry.

Originally Posted by Open Mike Night

> "The Old Paths" was written by a retired minister

who's apparently still resentful of modern "Political Correctness" that requires him to actually acknowledge the existence of people who don't share his beliefs.

[TB Tabby]

"Remember a time when women couldn't vote, and certain people weren't allowed on golf courses? Pepperidge Farm remembers."

[claudia]

Speaking as an atheist divorced childfree retired home owning female who hasn't worn a skirt/dress in more than 10 years (and whose grandmother had several abortions), the cretinous yahoo glurge writer can kiss my cat's nether end.

[Tootsie Plunkette]

I've done some searches trying to identify the author, without success so far. The earliest dated versions leave off the "old Tennesee preacher" business.

Near as I can tell, no one wants to claim responsibility.

[inkrose115]

My logic teacher, who was born sometime during the middle of the depression, says that things like that are bull. Actually, all of the good teachers I've had that are getting on in the years says this is bull. Actually, some of the wiest people on this planet say it's bull. Older days were not better. They sucked, the only illusion was that you thought you were safer.

> I liked the old paths, when
> Moms were at home.
> Dads were at work.

Oh! You mean Victorian times? When men went off to work and women literally went crazy in their empty boring households. And woe to any widow who couldn't remarry quickly, lest she be a burden on her hard working family, or end up on the streets. Because only immoral people were poor, y'know.

> Brothers went into the army.
> And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

You mean even more people died back then? Plenty of women ahd children out of wedlock. The only difference was even if they werr raped it was of course their fault. Not that they would ever talk about it. One essay I read in a book said that clearly back in the days things were betetr ebcause the arts were more refined and moral. Um... no, sorry. Unless you are suggesting that Samurai actually followed the code and knights were chivalrous? History says they actually weren't.

> Crime did not pay;
> Hard work did;
> And people knew the difference.
> Moms could cook;
> Dads would work;
> Children would behave..

Don't you mean, damn women knew their place. And if your kid dies who cares? Just get your wife pregnant again, and if she died just marry again.

> Women wore the jewelry;
> And Men wore the pants.
> Women looked like ladies;
> Men looked like gentlemen;
> And children looked decent.

Ah yes the good ole days. Lots of child-sized coffins... And the jewlery was on your mistress(s) which was okay because society didn't care how many you had, or how many prostitutes you saw. Unless you were a woman. Then you couldn't cheat.

> People loved the truth,
> And hated a lie;
> They came to church to get IN,
> Not to get OUT!

Hell is a good thing to threaten people with if you want them to do something. Not that it stopped them, it just meant if they were caught it was all over.

>

Hymns sounded Godly;
> Sermons sounded helpful;

Try telling that to the popes were were annoyed by the overly ornate Ren. music. it... gosh... obscured the words of the sacred text. HEATHENS!

> Cursing was wicked;
> Drinking was evil;
> and divorce was unthinkable.

Cursing was still wicked. Just different. I mean, back then all you had to do was say 'GODS TEETH' in an improper manner. And divorce was unthinkable because men could legally beat their wives, and people were so petty that a scandal was enough to make you go drown yourself. If your reputation is all you have, that's kind of pathetic.

> We read the Bible in public;
> Prayed in school;
> And preached from house to house

Because annoying people with religion was legal.

>

> Sex was a personal word.
> Homosexual was an unheard of word,
> And abortion was an illegal word.

Because you could obcess about sex, you just couldn't use that word. Victorians were so obcessed with sex and repressing it I think their heads might've been screwed on wrong. Homosexuals were illegal. You're mixing things up m'dear!

> Preachers preached because they had a message;

Except Christ or burn in hell, heathen!

> And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!

I'm thinking, crusades...

> A new birth meant a new life;

Did you hear my line about child-sized coffins, or are YOU GOING DEAF? TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID... Thank you.

> Laws were based on the Bible;
> Homes read the Bible;
> And churches taught the Bible.

Being illiterate and all.

These old paths sound suspiciously like proper-gander literature.
Or something written by monkeys at a typewritter. It's easy to write glurge like this if:
1. You don't believe in germs
2. You hate children
3. You think moral equates to blank-eyed
4. You failed history five times in 1st grade alone

[Esprise Me]

And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

Not necessarily before conceiving them, of course, just before giving birth to them. Ah, the good old days, when marriage was either a lifelong prostitution contract or a mandate to cover up the shame of love...Now you've got these heretofore unheard-of homosexuals and non-cooking feminists trying to screw everything up.

[Ryda Wong, EBfCo.]

Originally Posted by inkrose115

My logic teacher, who was born sometime during the middle of the depression, says that things like that are bull.

Inkrose, I know on the other thread it seemed like you were swamped, but you might enjoy "The Way Things Never Were" by Norman Finkelstein.

He states the same thing, WITH data. And it's readable.

I know. When you get that non-existant break, you'll get right on it

[Ryda Wong, EBfCo.]

Originally Posted by Esprise Me

non-cooking feminists trying to screw everything up.

Quit talkin' about me like I'm not even here! Sheesh. The nerve.

[ARubberChickenWithAPulley]

I liked the old paths, when Moms were at home, Dads were at work, Brothers went into the army, and sisters got married BEFORE having children! Crime did not pay, hard work did, and people knew the difference. Moms could cook, Dads would work, Children would behave, Husbands were loving, Wives were supportive, and children were polite. Women wore the jewelry and Men wore the pants. Women looked like ladies, Men looked like gentlemen, and children looked decent. People loved the truth and hated a lie. They came to church to get IN, not to get OUT! Hymns sounded Godly, Sermons sounded helpful, Rejoicing sounded normal, and crying sounded sincere. Cursing was wicked, Drinking was evil, and divorce was unthinkable. The flag was honored, America was beautiful, and God was welcome! We read the Bible in public, prayed in school, and preached from house to house. To be called an American was worth dying for; To be called a Christian was worth living for; To be called a traitor was a shame! Sex was a personal word, Homosexual was an unheard of word, and abortion was an illegal word. Preachers preached because they had a message, and Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY! Preachers preached from the Bible, Singers sang from the heart, and sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED! A new birth meant a new life, Salvation meant a changed life, Following Christ led to eternal life. Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God, being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord, Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus, and being a sinner meant someone was praying for you! Laws were based on the Bible, homes read the Bible, and churches taught the Bible. Preachers were more interested in new converts than new clothes and new cars. God was worshiped, Christ was exalted, and the Holy Spirit was respected. Church was where you found Christians on the Lord's day, rather than in the garden, on the creek bank, on the golf course, or being entertained somewhere else. I still like the old paths the best !

A long, idiotic rant with sentences broken down into individual lines != a poem. There, I made it into a paragraph-long rant, which is what it is. And it still sucks.

[Quantum Leap2]

Yeah, in those olden days Dad worked and my mother stayed home and kept saying we 5 kids were driving her crazy. Probably because she didn't have a car and couldn't escape us to even go drink at a bar or get a cappuccino at Starbucks.