"What Happens in Heaven" (or, it sucks to be an angel)

[Halfmad]

If this is heaven, I'm glad to be an atheist:

---

What Happens in Heaven

This is one of the nicest mails I have seen and is so true:

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received"

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on
Voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.

Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.

The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and D elivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed "How is it that? There's no work going on here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.

"How does one acknowledge God's blessings?" I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. "Ju s t say, "Thank you, Lord."

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. "If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

Also

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world < FONT face=Arial size=2>



"If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.

"If your parents are still alive and still married .. You are very rare.

If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how
Blessed we all are.

Attn: Acknowledgement Dept: Thank you Lord!
Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it.

That's not Heaven, that's a sweatshop. I bet that angel working in acknowledgement was God's nephew or something and just wanted a cusy job where he didn't have to do any real work.

[Halfmad]

Okay, I wrote my own version:



It Sucks to Live in Heaven

This is one of the nicest mails I have seen and is so true:
(Since I have been to Heaven and personally verified these goings-on)

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.
(It’s true: angels are actually made in God’s Workroom.)

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received"
(He pointed down the hall to the incinerator where all those petitions shouted out by people in car wrecks or while plunging over cliffs end up.)

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on
Voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
(Unfortunately, there was a large sign over the workroom reading “For Service, Speak English.)

... The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and D elivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them."
(The dead can go screw themselves.)

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
(Expedited shipping on blessings takes just 2-3 business days, but is free if you order more than $50 of Charlotte Church CDs on Amazon.)

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing.
(Finally—sounds like Heaven!)

"This is the Acknowledgment Section," my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed "How is it that? There's no work going on here?" I asked.
(I soon shared in his embarrassment when he pointed out my complete disregard of the rules of grammar and punctuation.)

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.
(And too bad for them because those people will end up in hell, where they won’t have the chance to spend eternity toiling away in a boring workroom!)

..."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. "If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
(We haven’t sorted out the rules yet for spare dollars in your pants pockets or having to root through your car seats to pay your parking fee.)

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
(He then asked if I’d like to be added to his email list of unique money-making ventures, since I had a computer.)

Also
(If you ignore comma use and paragraphing rules, you are among the 40% of people who read and love glurge-y emails.)

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness .... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.
(Especially those who will end up working in “Heaven.”)

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world
(This is also known as “Being a member of the current White House administration.”)

... "If your parents are still alive and still married .. You are very rare.
(If one of your parents is still married to someone who is dead, you are rarer still!)

If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm,
(You are more blessed than 100% of all newborns!)

you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."
(Yes, it is unique to be one of those in doubt and despair, yet still be smiling about it.)

Ok, what now? How can I start?
(Huh? What? Who said that? Angel? Where am I?)

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
(If you can’t read this message, divide your blessing by 2 but add one-half of the blessings you received by having a computer. If this message was read aloud to you, add your age plus your current weight to your last decibel score received on a hearing test. Divide by 18, and you’ll have your target heart rate.)

[Ryda Wong, EBfCo.]

Actually, I'd like to complain to God about my parents still being alive and married to one another. They (and bro and I) would have been far, far better off divorced.

To where do I send complaints?

[TB Tabby]

"If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death

...if you don't leave enough money in the collection plate...

[ange84]

Originally Posted by TB Tabby

...if you don't leave enough money in the collection plate...

A friend was telling me a local church back where i grew up now has an ATM at the front door, so that if you forget money for the collection plate you can just pop out and grab $20 as the minimum.

Ya know... I see this thread title, and all I can think is:

"What happens in Heaven, stays in Heaven."

Surely I'm not the only one?

[zman977]

Originally Posted by Zamboni_Rodeo

Ya know... I see this thread title, and all I can think is:

"What happens in Heaven, stays in Heaven."

Surely I'm not the only one?

You beat me to it.

Any time I got the above glurge, I replied with this one:....(OK, probably off topic)


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates,

St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world,
your
reward is: you can Hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought
about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
aren't
you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes!"

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God, "It may be true
that my invention is flawed, but according to my calculations, more men
are riding my invention than yours

[Tarquin Farquart]

Originally Posted by ange84

A friend was telling me a local church back where i grew up now has an ATM at the front door, so that if you forget money for the collection plate you can just pop out and grab $20 as the minimum.

At some resturants you can key in your tip if you're paying with a card. How long before churches install those kind of devices?

[llewtrah]

Originally Posted by Tarquin Farquart

At some resturants you can key in your tip if you're paying with a card. How long before churches install those kind of devices?

Aren't there already electronic confessionals that look like ATMs (I recall reading about these back in 1994/95!) in which case it only takes a few tweaks for them to accept All Major Cards as well as dispense forgiveness/Hail Marys/whatever.

This getting eerily close to THX1138 ....

[ganzfeld]

This glurge reminded me of God Inc., this show on Youtube.

[MapleLeaf]

If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm,
(You are more blessed than 100% of all newborns!)

[Canuckistan]

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. "If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

So I should thank God that most people have less than me? How self-centred.

"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

Is this true? With an approximate world population of 6.5 billion, that means only 65 million people own a computer. I find that hard to believe, but I can't find any numbers on worldwide computer ownership.

[Boomcoach]

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

Is this true? With an approximate world population of 6.5 billion, that means only 65 million people own a computer. I find that hard to believe, but I can't find any numbers on worldwide computer ownership.

It gets especially hard to buy that number if "Your own computer" includes members of the family. If it only means myself, for instance, but not my wife or kids, who spend plenty of time on it, it is a pretty weaselly stat.

[Ryda Wong, EBfCo.]

Originally Posted by JD65

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God, "It may be true
that my invention is flawed, but according to my calculations, more men
are riding my invention than yours

Ah, yes. The old "women are for sex and male pleasure and nothing else" response. Makes my heart glad....

Originally Posted by Canuckistan

Is this true? With an approximate world population of 6.5 billion, that means only 65 million people own a computer. I find that hard to believe, but I can't find any numbers on worldwide computer ownership.

Well, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 65 million people owned computers in 2003 in the US alone.

The majority of households have personal computers and Internet access. In 2003, 70 million American households, or 62 percent, had one or more computers, up from 56 percent in 2001 (Figure 1).2 In 1984, the proportion of households with a computer was 8 percent.

Cite

Originally Posted by Zamboni_Rodeo

Ya know... I see this thread title, and all I can think is:

"What happens in Heaven, stays in Heaven."

Surely I'm not the only one?

Originally Posted by zman977

You beat me to it.

You are not the only one. That was my idea too.

[Missie]

Very few acknowledgments?

For everything from barely getting homework in on time to being able to find an open pharmacy on a Sunday that will give me a morning-after pill, I've been known to loudly exclaim "Oh THANK GOD."

I don't even believe in God and I thank him after every single near-miss I encounter in my life. :P

[Jay Temple]

Originally Posted by Doug4.7

You are not the only one. That was my idea too.

I only clicked on the post to see whether anyone else thought what I did.