 |
|
#1
19 January 2007, 03:44 PM
|
|||
|
|||
Ted Nugent's New Rules for 2007
Got this in the mail this morning.
From: To: Subject: Fw: TED NUGENT'S NEW RULES FOR 2007...OT Date: January 19, 2007 5:37 AM Somehow I seriously doubt Ted Nugent wrote this, but it's pretty funny anyway. TED NUGENT'S NEW RULES FOR 2007: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards." New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months" "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?" |
|
#2
19 January 2007, 03:55 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
This has been attributed to George Carlin as well.
|
|
#3
19 January 2007, 04:01 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
__________________
"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead" - Stan Laurel |
|
#4
19 January 2007, 04:04 PM
|
||||
|
||||
Bill Maher has a running bit on his HBO series "Real Time" called "new Rules", which he has also collected into a book. I believe I recall hearing the Starbuck's item on an episode.
buf 'but most people on the web still think it's Carlin' ungla ETA: Spanked by Stan the Man
__________________
"If people are going to hate me, I want them to hate me for the right reasons." - Marilyn Manson Last edited by bufungla; 19 January 2007 at 04:23 PM. |
|
#5
19 January 2007, 04:46 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Thanks for the tip.
That's the trouble with chain mail sometimes, when it goes around again, attributing quotes to someone else, it makes it hard to research. I couldn't find it on the Snopes pages before when doing a search on "Ted Nugent" but if I'd put "Rules" I might've found it - along with a ton of other pages. I hadn't thought to key in "George Carlin" until receiving your reply. So sure enough, there it was Again, thanks. Capri |
|
#6
19 January 2007, 04:52 PM
|
|||
|
|||
Still funny, however.
|
|
#7
19 January 2007, 05:05 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Off topic but Ted just performed at the Texas inaugural
Quote:
|
|
#8
19 January 2007, 05:16 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
__________________
Come on, come on, spin a little tighter / Come on, come on, and the world's a little brighter ~ Accidentally in Love, Counting Crows Chuck Jones is a vengeful god |
|
#9
19 January 2007, 06:22 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
No, no, Chillas, the funniest thing you can do is distill complex issues into awkwardly phrased soundbites that glorify ignorance and the status quo. Didn't you hear?
__________________
"I was born by the river in a little tent, and just like that river, I've been running ever since" - Sam Cooke |
|
#10
19 January 2007, 06:31 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Then shoot animals! Don't forget the shooting!
Sorry, still thinking like it's Nugent... |
|
#11
19 January 2007, 06:36 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
Quote:
|
 |
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
