Vocabulary Spin (aka Points to Ponder)

Two I didn't see included in this version of the chain email are "Why do we park in driveways and drive into parkways?" and "Why do ships carry cargo and aircraft carry shipments?" or something to that effect.

Anyway, some of these are incredibly lame, I don't know why people continue forwarding this junk.

----- Original Message -----
From:
Sent: Wednesday, January 17, 2007 2:22 PM
Subject: VOCABULARY SPIN

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

[incubus]

Originally Posted by Capri

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?

He's dead.

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Try eating expired sour cream. You'll find out very quickly

J (I think I've seen several of these on t-shirts)

Originally Posted by incubus

He's dead.

People like to ask me where I find new shells for my turtles when they get bigger.

[Dropbear]

Ba-Da-Boom-Bing! Thank you, thank you - but seriously now - you've been a wonderful audience. I'm here for the rest of the week - don't forget to try the Dessert Trolley.

Dropbear

[One-Fang]

Originally Posted by Lemonaida

People like to ask me where I find new shells for my turtles when they get bigger.

Where do they think wild turtles get them?

Originally Posted by Capri

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Wouldn't that be pasta and antipastA? Oh wait, there's no such thing as antipasta. Let's just keep real quiet and hope nobody notices.

Most of those listed were old jokes or indications of ignorance (eg the evolution one).

I did like #2 though.

[OptimusShr]

I'm partial to 2, 3, 9, and 13 m'self.

[Cervus]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

These three "big, smart words" have no relevance to anything in that list.

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Nothing. Plants aren't cute and furry, so the public doesn't care about their conservation status. (Sadly, this is true.)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I have these as buttons on my coat.

Originally Posted by One-Fang

Where do they think wild turtles get them?

I asked once. I was sorry for it. One of my friends thought that turtles go around hunting for new shells (ideally, discarded shells from bigger turtles) and that because mine live in a tank, I would have to provide these shells for them.

Of course, the same friend thought that my turtles were supposed to remain the size of hatchlings, and was surprised when my turtles grew to the size of dinner plates. She can't quite wrap her head around the fact that something so small can get so big (and heavy!) and I'm not entirely sure why. The fact that female turtles are typically larger than their male counterparts throws her off too, but that's a bit more forgivable.

I have a relative who repeatedly asks me if they're "Painted" turtles (they're Sliders) and insists that they used to paint them when she was a girl. (I've heard of this happening before, but I think said relative doesn't understand that "Painted" is a type of turtle...)

[Cervus]

A common question for anyone who works in a zoo or pet shop is, "What do turtles look like without their shells?"

"Dead."

Granted, it's not a stupid question, because most people are familiar with hermit crabs that move on to bigger shells when they outgrow the old ones. But crabs are invertebrates - a turtle's shell is made from its ribcage and spine. It's the only animal whose legs are housed in its ribcage.

Originally Posted by Capri

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Oh man...not this one again. PLEASE not this one again.

[MidgardDragon]

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Okay, some of those were pretty lame, but this one got a nice chuckle out of me.

[Nick Theodorakis]

Originally Posted by Capri

Two I didn't see included in this version of the chain email are "Why do we park in driveways and drive into parkways?" and "Why do ships carry cargo and aircraft carry shipments?" or something to that effect.

Anyway, some of these are incredibly lame, I don't know why people continue forwarding this junk.

...
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Newark.

Originally Posted by Capri

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

1. I imagine that a blind person might take a cab, stop at an ATM, and be understandably reluctant to give her card and PIN to a complete stranger to make a withdrawal.

2. It's probably cheaper to manufacture one type of ATM that can be used for both walk-up and drive-through.

3. I've seen some ATMs with voice-assisted technology now.

Originally Posted by Capri

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Wait -- Now all of a sudden we can't shoot them anymore? Since when?

Nick

[damian]

Originally Posted by Nick Theodorakis

Wait -- Now all of a sudden we can't shoot them anymore? Since when?

It is still legal to shoot tourists in Newark.