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  #41  
Old 30 August 2007, 07:28 PM
Troodon Troodon is offline
 
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While presumably there was a very, very small chance that the child was the narrator's, the woman presumably knew that it was far more likely to be another man's, and thus that she would almost certianly be stuck without child support if the narrator grew suspicious and insisted on a paternity test after the child was born. Her deception depended on convincing the narrator that the child was his well enough that he would not insist on a test, which turned out to be impossible since he had had a vasectomy.
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  #42  
Old 30 August 2007, 07:30 PM
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Lainie Lainie is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
While presumably there was a very, very small chance that the child was the narrator's, the woman presumably knew that it was far more likely to be another man's,
How would she know that before she knew that he'd had a vastectomy?

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and thus that she would almost certianly be stuck without child support if the narrator grew suspicious and insisted on a paternity test after the child was born. Her deception depended on convincing the narrator that the child was his well enough that he would not insist on a test, which turned out to be impossible since he had had a vasectomy.
A fact she didn't know until after she tried to deceive him.
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  #43  
Old 30 August 2007, 07:37 PM
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Aimee Evilpixie Aimee Evilpixie is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
Building up someone's expectations so that at the right moment you can crush them completely is cool,
Really?

*sigh* I'm not surprised. Saddened, but not surprised.
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  #44  
Old 30 August 2007, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Lainie View Post
How would she know that before she knew that he'd had a vastectomy?
Because she had unprotected sex with the band member, whereas she was using a condom with the narrator?
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  #45  
Old 30 August 2007, 08:10 PM
Troodon Troodon is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Aimee Evilpixie View Post
Really?

*sigh* I'm not surprised. Saddened, but not surprised.
You didn't like reading "The Count of Monte Cristo"?
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  #46  
Old 30 August 2007, 08:20 PM
Ryda Wong, EBfCo. Ryda Wong, EBfCo. is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
You didn't like reading "The Count of Monte Cristo"?
The Simpsons had to redo that to make it halfway decent.
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  #47  
Old 30 August 2007, 08:34 PM
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Artemis Artemis is offline
 
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The Simpsons redid Count of Monte Cristo? Is this one of the newer ones?

I'm feeling slightly more charitable towards the guy now. They're both hideous characters who should never be parents. They're way too immature. At least the guy took steps to prevent himself from being a parent. She actually thinks she should have a child.
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  #48  
Old 30 August 2007, 08:40 PM
Ryda Wong, EBfCo. Ryda Wong, EBfCo. is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Artemis View Post
The Simpsons redid Count of Monte Cristo? Is this one of the newer ones?
I dunno. I saw it on reruns. It's the one where Homer engages in road rage, and each family member narrarates a story of revenge. One is based on monte cristo
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  #49  
Old 30 August 2007, 09:03 PM
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I was actually expecting that it would turn out that the vasectomy had actually reversed... and that he'd confront her "You cheating whore!" and she'd be all "No way!!" And he'd be feel so superior and smug, and then the DNA test would come back that it *was* his, and wouldn't he feel stupid.

Or... something like that.

I don't know. I was hoping for something more interesting than "I'm a complete and utter jack@$$, and I dated a lying b---h! Ha!"
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  #50  
Old 30 August 2007, 09:15 PM
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Aimee Evilpixie Aimee Evilpixie is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
You didn't like reading "The Count of Monte Cristo"?
Haven't read it.

The movie was pretty good. However, the main character didn't start out a complete and utter jackass, the way this guy started out. Revenge stories can be entertaining, but I don't think we mean the same things by "cool." You didn't specify that you were speaking in a fictional sense.

Honestly, I prefer people get their comeuppance through karma or fate or whatever. Like with TGirl. She didn't plot revenge on her ex, he got himself thrown in jail for domestic violence. That, frankly, is cool, because he got himself in trouble, and she retained the moral high ground.
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  #51  
Old 30 August 2007, 09:25 PM
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Lainie Lainie is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
You didn't like reading "The Count of Monte Cristo"?
I did. When I was 14.
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  #52  
Old 30 August 2007, 09:27 PM
Troodon Troodon is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Aimee Evilpixie View Post
Haven't read it.

The movie was pretty good. However, the main character didn't start out a complete and utter jackass, the way this guy started out. Revenge stories can be entertaining, but I don't think we mean the same things by "cool." You didn't specify that you were speaking in a fictional sense.

Honestly, I prefer people get their comeuppance through karma or fate or whatever. Like with TGirl. She didn't plot revenge on her ex, he got himself thrown in jail for domestic violence. That, frankly, is cool, because he got himself in trouble, and she retained the moral high ground.
When Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in a movie killed all the terrorists and rescued his daughter, I thought that was cool. I suppose that in real life if some guy's daughter was kidnapped by terrorists and he killed them all and rescued her, I would think that that was pretty cool too. It would still be a "Don't try this at home" thing for me. Revenge stories are like that - I like them and I hope that if I'm ever wronged I will be able to get revenge cleverly and effectively, but I'd rather not be in that situation. I don't go around picking fights with people so that I can try to be mean to them.

Also, I prefer active-revenge stories. I suppose it may be due to a difference in temperment; I am inclined to prefer when people do things themselves.
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  #53  
Old 31 August 2007, 02:39 AM
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ganzfeld ganzfeld is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Troodon View Post
While presumably there was a very, very small chance that the child was the narrator's, the woman presumably knew that it was far more likely to be another man's, and thus that she would almost certianly be stuck without child support if the narrator grew suspicious and insisted on a paternity test after the child was born. Her deception depended on convincing the narrator that the child was his well enough that he would not insist on a test, which turned out to be impossible since he had had a vasectomy.
Thus proving that there is no story so lame that it cannot be made even lamer by "explaining" it.
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  #54  
Old 01 September 2007, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Miss Mouse View Post
I was actually expecting that it would turn out that the vasectomy had actually reversed... and that he'd confront her "You cheating whore!" and she'd be all "No way!!" And he'd be feel so superior and smug, and then the DNA test would come back that it *was* his, and wouldn't he feel stupid.

Or... something like that.

I don't know. I was hoping for something more interesting than "I'm a complete and utter jack@$$, and I dated a lying b---h! Ha!"
I was completely expecting that as well.
Not that I was rooting for the woman [because my fiancé's ex did the same thing to him - tried to get pregnant on purpose without him knowing... and it worked] (or the man), but the man seemed a little more smug about the whole ordeal, so him getting a taste of what he deserved seemed like the right outcome to me.
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  #55  
Old 03 September 2007, 02:57 AM
GravyTrain GravyTrain is offline
 
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I personally liked the narrative style. Stories like this where you are supposed to indulge your bloodlust and your sense of revenge can benefit by such a drawn-out conclusion. A literary equivalent of watching someone have a knife plunged in them and having it dragged slowly, slowly along.
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  #56  
Old 03 September 2007, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by cdav1313 View Post
Isn't it kind of odd that a single guy, with no significant other, who uses condoms reguarly, to just up and get himself a vasectomy out of the blue?
Not if he knows that he doesn't want to have kids.


TMI Warning--

I've always known that I don't want to have kids and I had a vasectomy a few years ago. The deciding factor for me was when my (now ex) girlfriend went off her birth control without telling me because she was trying to get pregnant. Since I know I don't want to have kids, having a vasectomy gives me a lot of peace of mind and I don't have to worry as much about microscopic leaks in condoms, and I won't find myself in the precarious situation I did with my ex.


ETA: Though I'd certainly never do anything like the guy in the OP supposedly did.
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  #57  
Old 03 September 2007, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Dr. Dave View Post
Agree- with you and Artemis 100%. But if this is fictional, than the woman is the author's caricature of 30 something woman and the man is his fantasy ideal.
That's what I felt when I was reading this story. And I do mean story, as well. How sad is it that there must be some people out there pumping their arms up in the air going "right on man" when they get to the ending?
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  #58  
Old 03 September 2007, 04:25 AM
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ganzfeld ganzfeld is offline
 
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Originally Posted by GravyTrain View Post
I personally liked the narrative style. Stories like this where you are supposed to indulge your bloodlust and your sense of revenge can benefit by such a drawn-out conclusion. A literary equivalent of watching someone have a knife plunged in them and having it dragged slowly, slowly along.
More like one idiot trying to garner sympathy through a boring story about his own imagined revenge over an unproven lie about paternity, which actually turns out to be a mundane accusation of infidelity that the narrator has extreme delusions of being a big conspiracy to get him to be responsible for someone else's child. The dude needs help, that's for sure. As for storytelling, he's beyond help.
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  #59  
Old 03 September 2007, 04:13 PM
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ganzfeld ganzfeld is offline
 
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Okay, I tried to fix some of the errors. But I haven't written any fiction in about 15 years so it's kind of rough.... The True Story of the The Cheating Woman & the Vasectomy.

___________________________________
Allow me try to sum up the truth behind a stupid story I read about on the Internet: Some dude got a vasectomy. He met a girl soon afterwards. This success is the most amazing part of the story, as we will find when we learn more about his personality. Even more amazing, she was nice and attractive. He thought she had a "selfish streak that raised a big red flag" because he usually projected his own feelings of inadequacy on others. She was 32 at the time and he could practically hear her biological clock ticking. This hallucination was just the beginning of what would turn out to be a long, delusory experience for him. He sometimes described her as "a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company" which really creeped his friends out. But none of them had a clue how messed up the relationship would soon become.

He did not tell her about his vasectomy but always used a condom. This prudence was accompanied by an altogether disproportionate feeling of smugness, and was also the first of his self-important delusions. He was under the impression that she assumed ("obviously", he would later say) that the condom was only used for birth control. She was simply glad that she didn't have to tell him to wear one.

They dated for a few months. He never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up occasionally, mostly out of curiosity. For him, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. As the hallucination of her telltale biological clock got louder, however, he convinced himself that she had an ulterior motive and began to believe that, for her, the relationship was part of "life-changing series of events" that she had been planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, she suddenly found herself in the uncomfortable position of making a very difficult decision. She was pregnant. She decided to tell him. After all, she thought, he would at least like to be in on any decision that had to be made. She explained that she knew he'd been careful but perhaps there had been some breakage. She also said, against her better judgement, that she would consider marrying him. All he could hear was her biological clock. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. It loomed in his mind larger than life. It had neatly tricked her, he thought, into being a very bad woman. He knew in his own heeart that she had hatched a plan from long ago to get his salary, to "have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity" as he put it to his friends. She misinterpreted his smirk as accceptance and began to think, well, "Maybe it's not all that bad. Maybe he would make an okay dad." This made her happy, which he in turn recognized as her giddiness that her plan was working.

He became giddy as well. He started to hatch his own plan, one that he had already considered many times: To pull the reverse “oops” on her! He figured that she slept with some "bad boy" and "got knocked up". He reassured himself again and again, "Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri." (In truth, it was of little comfort.)

After their talk, he waited a couple of days to "think about all this." She appreciated the extra time, as she wasn't quite sure what his odd smirk and other gestures meant. When they met again, he told her he didn't want kids and that she should have an abortion. He hoped she would get upset. He waited for the tear, for the hissy fit with glee. She, on the other hand, was totally confused. She asked him a few times to clarify and, as often happens in these emotional conversations, the discussion soon broke down into an argument about whose decision it was. (She had suggested that perhaps she could make that decision herself and didn't need to ask his opinion.) He felt like his manhood had been insulted but didn't know how to deal with it so he convinced himself that she was threatening legal action, that she was insisting that he marry her. After he had suggested an abortion, of course, she had no such intention but became more and more confused by his strange actions. Little did she know how wild his delusions about the situation had become. Afterwards, as he sat alone in his room talking to himself, his heart raced as he thought of how he would avenge her.

She tried a few times to call. She knew it had probably been a difficult and emotional time for him. He pretended to laugh when he heard her voice on the answering machine. After a week or so he conjured up in his mind a picture of her stewing at hime. He of all people should have know it wasn't true. He had followed her around for a few days, stalking her. He saw every move (although she did nothing unusual) as a betrayal of her real motives.

"It's time to drop the hammer." He thought. First, he got a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show he was sterile. Finally, he got a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. (The attorney had actually been disbarred years before but that is a different story.) The letter stated that they would "insist on DNA testing".

He met with the woman at her place. He brought flowers and a cheap bit of jewelry and his face was now rabid with anticipation of revenge. He patted his pocket to make sure he had the documents, now completely drunk with his own cleverness.

She smiled. She had news for him, too. Still, she wanted to know: what kind of father would he have made? He tried to kiss her but she backed up. "What's wrong, baby?" He said, hoping he could score another easy night of sex and also beginning to worry a bit. His plan was foolproof, wasn't it? Suddenly, he blurted out, "Are you sure that this baby is mine?" Both of them took a deep breath and held it at this unexpected question. He pretended he had meant to ask so directly, cocking his head to one side and pouting slightly. He exhaled.

She sat down on the bed and began to speak, "Well, I've been meaning to tell you..."

"I already know!" He said, still surprised at his own words but trying not to show it. "I know more than you think." It wasn't going as he had planned. But what the hell; this was the moment he'd waited for.

She looked at him curiously, as if to say, "know what?" but instead asked him, "What are you talking about?" A solitary tear flowed down her cheek. That was his sign. The sign he had been waiting for from the cosmos, "Go get her!" it seemed to say. Now he would have his revenge!

He reached into his pocket, extracted the three pieces of paper and, with embarrassing melodrama, unfolded them slowly and deliberately.

"You're screwed!" He said, as if he'd been memorizing that one line all week for a low-budget commercial for a hardware store.

As she read the papers, the look on her face changed from bewilderment to slight confusion.

He declared contemptuously, "I am sterile."

Her jaw dropped slightly in true surprise and finally her expression changed to guarded relief. The tears -- if there were any more waiting to come, had completely retreated. His whole plan had finally sunk in and the revelation was like no other before or since. She felt sorry for him and called him by name in an attempt to stop his embarrassing monologue.

He thrust the letter and the test results in front of her chin and continued, pacing slightly and holding his head up as if someone had farted. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. [Darn it -- He'd forgotten his line introducing the doctor. Oh, well...] Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

Again, she tried to interrupt. "I can't believe..." she began, but winced as she realized those words weren't going to stop him.

"No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

She read the documents slowly, deliberately, or at least, she pretended to. It was time to tell him. "I'm not pregnant." The words took a few seconds to sink in. He was just about to launch into more monologue when he sputtered and stopped. "Y-- you mean, you had an abortion?" She shook her head slowly from side to side, still shell-shocked but recovering. "I'm sorry. The test was wrong. I wasn't pregnant." As she explained that she'd been to a doctor and had more tests and found out she wasn't pregnant after all, the past week flashed before his eyes: the lawyer's bills, the documents, the stalking, the sobbing and nervous plucking of the hair on his forearms. He accused her of lying. She explained again, slowly. He accused her of cheating. She didn't even know how to respond to him now and just shook her head slowly. As he broke down in tears, she rolled her eyes and made a half-hearted attempt to console him. "You know," she said, "I don't think we could have made a good family anyway. I mean, you were an okay lay and, well, easy on the eyes. But I think you need to get some help. Seriously. I mean, this is just..." He grabbed the papers in a tight fist, pushed the flowers on the floor petulantly and stomped to the front door. She followed him cautiously and handed him the cheap jewelry. He tried to slam the door on the way out but its airtight seal cushioned it into a weak "harumph". She locked the door.

Epilogue -

That night he vowed yet to get his revenge. He would tell the story the way it was supposed to have happened, the way he had wanted it to happen, the way he almost convinced himself it did happen. He would e-mail it to all of his friends. It would go around and around on the Internet and she would have to see it again and again. Most of the people who got the e-mail stopped talking to him. The few who still considered him a friend recommended he get some counseling. He never heard directly from the woman again. He imagined that she ran off with a "guy in a band". To him, "a guy in a band" was the worst fate he could think of, worse even than being with a criminal. He even told others about the "guy in a band" but everyone knew by now that he was full of ****. (Actually, when she got around to marrying, her husband did happen to be a clarinet player but they started their own accounting firm and lived pretty happily ever after.) People he didn't even know posted crummy parodies of his letter on message boards. For the rest of his uneventful life he would wake up in the middle of the night screaming -- with the sound of her biological clock ringing in his ears.

The Moral of the Story -

Only a complete loser would write this crap.

Last edited by ganzfeld; 03 September 2007 at 04:30 PM.
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  #60  
Old 03 September 2007, 04:50 PM
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Blatherskite Blatherskite is offline
 
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She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
And you assumed, obviously, that a selfish woman who raised red flags would be loyal and true to you. Silly boy.

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She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
Damn women and their manipulative baby chambers, amiright??!

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It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Because you're basically a giant nobhead.

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I’m laughing hysterically.
A maniacal giant nobhead.

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I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father.
Women are all about the jewelry and the babies, amiright??!

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She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up.
Unlike you, of course, who could never be self-righteous. No, no!

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Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic.
Aaargh, you have a woman's logic!

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The Moral of the Story -
The woman was a cheater and a liar but the hero of this tale is a smug, deceitful, shallow, misogynistic **** who seems to have an element of promiscuity too (a casual fling with a woman he doesn't even like because she's easy on the eyes?).
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