Disgruntled Former Lexicographer

[snopes]

Comment: I don't have a 1999 Random House unabridged handy, but I hope
this one is true. Received via email:

Disgruntled Former Lexicographer

The following definition was discovered in the 1999 edition of the Random
House dictionary. The crafting of this definition was the final assignment
of Mr. Del Delhuey, who had been dismissed after 32 years with the
company.

Mutton (mut'n), n. [Middle English, from Old French mouton, moton, from
Medieval Latin multo, multon-, of Celtic origin.] 1.The flesh of fully
grown sheep. 2. A glove with four fingers. 3. Two discharged muons. 4.
Seven English tons. 5. One who mutinies. 6. To wear a dog. 7. A fastening
device on a mshirt or mblouse. 8. Fuzzy underwear for ladies.

9. A bacteria-resistant amoeba with an attractive do. 10. To throw a
boomerang weakly. 11. Any kind of lump. (slang) 12. A hundred mittens. 13.
An earthling who has been taken over by an alien. 14. The smallest whole
particle in the universe, so small you can hardly see it. 15. A big, nasty
cut on the hand. 16. The rantings of a flibbertigibbet. 17. My wife never
supported me. 18. It was as though I worked my whole life and it wasn't
enough for her. 19. My children think I'm a nerd.

20. In architecture, a bad idea. 21. Define this, you nitwits. 22. To
blubber one's finger over the lips while saying, 'bluh.' 23. I would like
to take a trip to the seaside, where no one knows me. 24. I would like to
be walking on the beach when a beautiful woman passes by. 25. She would
stop me and ask me what I did for a living. 26. I would tell her I am a
lexicographer. 27. She would say, "Oh, you wild boy." Exactly that, not
one word different.

28. Then she would ask me to define our relationship, which at that point
would be one minute old. I would demur. But she would say, "Oh please
define this second for me right now." 29. I would look at her and say,
"Mutton." 30. She would swoon. Because I would say it in a slight Spanish
accent, at which I am very good. 31. I would take her hand and she would
notice me feeling her wedding ring. I would ask her whom she is married
to. She would say, "A big cheese at Random House."

32. I would take her to my motel room, and teach her the meaning of love.
33. I would use the American Heritage, out of spite, and read all the
definitions. 34. Then I would read out of the Random House some of my
favorites among those that I worked on: "the" (just try it); "blue" (give
it a shot, and don't use the word 'nanometer'). 35. I would make love to
her according to the O.E.D., sixth definition.

36. We would call room service and order tagliolini without looking it
up. 37. I would return her to the beach, and we would say good-bye. 38.
Gibberish in e-mail. 39. A reading lamp with a lousy fifteen-watt bulb,
like they have in Europe. Also: a. muttonchops: slicing sheep meat with
the face. b. muttsam: sheep floating in the sea. c. muttonheads: the
Random House people.

[llewtrah]

Somehow I don't think this would have got through the proof reading stage.

[erwins]

It is, apparently, an essay by Steve Martin that originally appeared in the New Yorker. From a website dedicated to the work of Steve Martin: website.

I quite liked it. The fact that someone could believe that no one proof reads the dictionary before publication takes me aback, though.

erwins

[snopes]

Comment: Concerning the Random House Dictionary definition of "mutton":

I have both the first edition (1966) and the second edition (1980's) of
the unabridged Random House Dictionary. I like to frustrate my friends by
asking them to look up "four-a-cat". It takes you on a treasure hunt:

four-a-cat: See four old cat.

four old cat: three old cat played with four batters.

(So what's three old cat?)

three old cat: three-a-cat.

three-a-cat: two-a-cat played with three bases and three batters.

two-a-cat: see two old cat.

two old cat: one old cat played with two batters.

one old cat: a greatly modified form of baseball in which there is a home
plate and one other base, and in which a player remains at bat and scores
runs by hitting the ball and running to the base and back without being
put out. Also, one o' cat, one-a-cat.

Woot! Snopes made Language Log with this.

Blue "Big-ups to my linguist siblingz" Byrd