Church Bulletins

[MidgardDragon]

These are actually kind of funny:

> >>> They're Back! Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with
> >>>typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
> >>>were
> >>>announced in church services:
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
> >>> The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
> >>>recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> >>>those
> >>>things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
> >>>a
> >>>conflict.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> >>>someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
>much
> >>>about you.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Miss Charlene Maso n sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
> >>>obvious pleasure to the congregation.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> >>>nursery
> >>>downstairs.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir.
> >>> They need all the help they can get.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
> >>>will
> >>>sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
> >>>church.
> >>>So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eveni ng in the church hall.
> >>>Music
> >>>will follow.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
> >>>Hell?"
> >>>Come early and listen to our choir practice.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
> >>>several
> >>>new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
> >>>recycled.
> >>>Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> >>>person
> >>>you want remembered.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The church will host an ev ening of fine dining, super entertainment,
> >>>and
> >>>gracious hostility.
> >>> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
> >>>may be
> >>>seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
> >>>from
> >>>the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> >>> ------------- -------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
> >>>are
> >>>invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
> >>>would
> >>>lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
> >>>the
> >>>back door.
> >>> ---------------------------------------------------------- ----------
> >>> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> >>>Church
> >>>basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
> >>>tragedy.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> >>>Please
> >>>use large double door at the side entrance.
> >>> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
> >>>slogan
> >>>last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

Bad formatting perserved because I am lazy.

[sandycheeks]

I believe these, partly because I've seen such errors (they are indeed funny) in our own bulletins, and partly because I've made similar typos in newsletters myself -- and I'm supposed to be a writer and editor. My personal favorite (though not at the time I made the mistake and subsequently saw it printed a bajillion times) was while addressing a group of older ladies, asking for help: "I know you're all really busty," I said...

Hmmm, this version forgot the request that Mrs. somebody come forth during the Easter service to lay an egg on the altar.

It is funny when errors really do occur in bulletins or when people get their words mixed up during announcements.

[Andrew of Ware]

There used to be (maybe still is) a series of booklets called 'Christian Crackers' which have church jokes, typos from church magazines and anecdotes. I have read some of the above in them, which means either the same typos are made on both sides of ther Atlantic or at least some of them are made up.

Anyway, who cares. They are funny. Here are a few from 'Christian Crackers':

The preacher for Sunday next can be found hanging on the notice board in the porch.

The Minister is going on holiday next Saturday - could all Missionary Boxes be handed into The Manse by Friday evening at the latest.

The Rector announced: 'After the service the bishop will leave and we shall sing "Now thank we all our God" '.

A Sacristan was so pleased that the vicar had recovered from an illness that the following appeared on the notices: GOD IS GOOD. THE VICAR IS BETTER.

During a baptism service the minister looked at the water in the font and said, 'There is nothing magical about this water. It is the same water that we shall use to make the tea after the service.'

(From a Connecticut Church Bulletin) Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

At the church concert next Wednesday Mrs Sharp will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Wooden Bed' accompanied by the vicar.

From Kings Lynn Parish Magazine: 'BURIAL CHARGES are to go up at the cemetery. Increased cost of living is to blame.'

(I'll leave it there - that is just scratching the surface of the first two booklets.)

[Yleemjseg]

Many of these i could see as being real, as it's possible that a spell-checker program automatically corrected a mangled word, but put in one other than what was intended, such as 'hostility' for 'hospitality'. Also ambiguous sentences aren't all that uncommon, particularly when the person writing it knows what it means, so don't interpet it the other, more humourous way.
Also, in a small church, where one person is in charge of putting up bulletins, it's entirely possible that there is no other to do proofreading before it gets out.
Either way, real or not, this is quite an amusing display of use of language.

In a gaming store near me, there is a league, known as "Hall of Heroes". Some tournaments are "Hall of Heroes" tournaments and will earn participants league points for attending. The manager at the store, who sometimes has the same "o" and "p" key on the keyboard issues that i do (i often hit "p" when only wanting "o") put up a sign advertising a "Hall of Herpes" tournament. Of course, spell check didn't catch it, because it's a real word. It was a couple of days later that someone pointed it out and he had to put up a new one.

[DadOf3]

Originally Posted by Andrew of Ware

At the church concert next Wednesday Mrs Sharp will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Wooden Bed' accompanied by the vicar.

That one sounds an awful lot like Groucho Marx's lne from Animal Crackers:
Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.

[TrishDaDish]

My sigline is a quote from this month's parish bulletin at Ma's church. I could not stop laughing my ass off when I first read it. And no, it's not a misprint.

[Lainie]

Originally Posted by TrishDaDish

My sigline is a quote from this month's parish bulletin at Ma's church. I could not stop laughing my ass off when I first read it. And no, it's not a misprint.

I'll bite. WTF is a liturgical bikini?

[TrishDaDish]

Originally Posted by Lainie

I'll bite. WTF is a liturgical bikini?

I'll give you the "Reader's Digest version" of what it says in the bulletin, and please bear in mind, any terrible punctuation or spelling isn't my fault:

Wearing bikini's in January would be as outlandish a practice as donning mink coats in July {snip} Fast forward this image to serve as a metaphor for our liturgical seasons of the Christian year. The church has it's seasons, not based on physical climate or temperature, but on spiritual climate, the tone and meaning of events surrounding our Lord's life and teaching. {HUGE SNIP} Recently one of our parishoners rather jocularly poked fun at my obseravtion that St. John's begins to celebrate Christmas about halfway through Advent. {GIANT SNIP about how you should celebrate Advent during Advent, not celebrate Christmas during it} Liturgical bikini's should not be worn in Advent anymore than swimsuits in July. {SNIP further rantings about Christmas and Easter being commercialized more than celebrated as holy days of obligation}

[One-Fang]

Originally Posted by TrishDaDish

I'll give you the "Reader's Digest version" of what it says in the bulletin, and please bear in mind, any terrible punctuation or spelling isn't my fault:

I would've thought swimsuits in July was perfectly normal up there in the northern hemi.

[TrishDaDish]

Ok, I goofed typing that part. It was supposed to say "swimsuits in January". Gimme a break - if you saw how much there was to read, and then try to edit until it made any sort of sense, you'd ignore the father's message and want to skip ahead a few months yourself.

Trish "And my edit function expired" DaDish

[Quantum Leap2]

I saw a church sign that read There Are Some Questions that Can't Be Answered by Google.