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  #1  
Old 28 February 2009, 04:39 AM
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Chef MRE dinner date

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of
view of a young Marine.

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten
before. I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each
meal.

Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-
king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in
one pan, sauté in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended
the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush
that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended
everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for
about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like,
well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops
of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green
sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly
things on it, it looks fancy right?

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated
it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voilaanger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... Could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy -series China (that stuff
is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at
the Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !" We dug in, and she loved the
food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make
it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking
fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had set out, but
after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses
during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest
room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let
the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good)
and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is
WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come
out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a
slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO
idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep
running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later
on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed
it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used
MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she
had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she
turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I admitted
it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called
me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally
did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall.
She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been
so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears
on the couch.

I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
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  #2  
Old 28 February 2009, 05:26 AM
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9,000 calories, eh?
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Old 28 February 2009, 05:35 AM
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Wouldn't she have gotten full long before she hit the 9000 calorie mark?
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  #4  
Old 28 February 2009, 06:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sneeze042 View Post
Wouldn't she have gotten full long before she hit the 9000 calorie mark?
Unless she's a competitive eater, perhaps. 9,000 calories is equal to about 30 hotdogs.
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  #5  
Old 28 February 2009, 07:16 AM
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No not necessarily , MRE's are designed to be calorie dense so if you eat the same about of food as you normally do your going to get a lot more calories. 9000 might be pushing it but it wouldn't be unimaginable. It's not like your body registers how many calories are in something till it's already well on its way to being digested.
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  #6  
Old 28 February 2009, 09:49 AM
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Bang Head

MREs pack about 1,200 calories each. And I'm not even touching the UL saying that they make you constipated. Okay, I will go there a bit: Which would you rather have on the battlefield? A soldier who uses the bathroom normally, or one that is cramped up because the food you provided has him clogged up?
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  #7  
Old 28 February 2009, 02:19 PM
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I almost couldn't finish reading it I was laughing so hard....

there's a reason in the Fire Service why they are known fondly as Meals Refusing to Exit... I almost couldn't finish reading it I was laughing so hard....
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  #8  
Old 28 February 2009, 08:00 PM
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There is no way in hell you could prepare MREs in such a way as to make them actually edible- definitely not enough for a normal, non-starving civilian to chow down and eat every last bite.

ETA: My favourite thing about the American MREs is the instructions on the heating pack. "Place package on rock or something." [Diagram of package against a rock that is labelled "ROCK OR SOMETHING."
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Old 28 February 2009, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beejtronic View Post
There is no way in hell you could prepare MREs in such a way as to make them actually edible- definitely not enough for a normal, non-starving civilian to chow down and eat every last bite.

ETA: My favourite thing about the American MREs is the instructions on the heating pack. "Place package on rock or something." [Diagram of package against a rock that is labelled "ROCK OR SOMETHING."
The desserts were actually quite good, if a little plain. However, there is no way in heck a single person could eat everything as it is said to be prepared in this story.

It says he used four pound cakes. The portions, to me at least, in a real MRE dessert are HUGE. A few years ago I was hungry and decided to sample an MRE brownie to hold me over until dinner. It was about the size of a postcard, maybe a little bigger, and almost an inch thick. Very dense, reminded me a little of a flourless chocolate cake, and pretty rich too. I stopped after eating less than half of it and felt stuffed. This thing insinuates that she ate dinner and then the equivalent of TWO of those things, plus the stuff he added in? Yeah, right.

On the tiny chance this were true, it's right about one thing: the guy's an asshole.
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  #10  
Old 28 February 2009, 10:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astra View Post
The desserts were actually quite good, if a little plain.
Not those little cookie things. Blegh. The brownies were nice, though.

The thing with the MREs is that, unlike the IMPs, every meal is the same. So, for instance, if you get the veggie burger, you always get the Mexican Rice and the horrible cookie. At least with the IMPs, if you resign yourself to trying to choke down a cold, dense egg-type material with suspect salsa, you can at least hope for some soup, or a bag of peach slices.
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Old 28 February 2009, 10:26 PM
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We loved MRE's when I was a kid. They used to have freeze dried fruit in them, and we thought they were like candy. We never had problems with them when we got them. We would have them on long trips. You could heat up the packs in the hotel sink with hot water from the coffee pot. Love the long brown spoon. Love the little bottles of hot sauce. Love the gum. Love the drink mix. Love the pound cake. We had a hard time getting more than a couple in our case of MRE's. Love the thick peanut butter. Love the few times when M&M's where in them. I ramble.

Dad still picks them up to use when he's hunting and camping. In fact, you can buy meals using the same technology (shelf stable, vacuum packed and with the water activated heaters) at camping supply stores. We've gotten them from Bass Pro shops.
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Old 28 February 2009, 11:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetokiegirl View Post
We loved MRE's when I was a kid. They used to have freeze dried fruit in them, and we thought they were like candy. We never had problems with them when we got them. We would have them on long trips. You could heat up the packs in the hotel sink with hot water from the coffee pot. Love the long brown spoon. Love the little bottles of hot sauce. Love the gum. Love the drink mix. Love the pound cake. We had a hard time getting more than a couple in our case of MRE's. Love the thick peanut butter. Love the few times when M&M's where in them. I ramble.
We were given some MREs to stash as emergency hurricane supplies. Now I almost want to go ahead and get into them... I'll wait, though.

I'm sure I'm dating myself here, but I can remember when my dad used to go out in the field and would bring home bits of C rations for my sister and me. We used to love the peanut butter and jelly in little olive green cans, and some kind of spreadable cheese stuff, and there were these hard, flat giant cracker things that lived in little pouches. And of course, Chiclets...

Of course, part of the appeal was that they were Dad's "Army food," and the items we got were probably the best bits but we seriously loved the stuff he saved for us.

Last edited by Miss Cellaneous; 28 February 2009 at 11:11 PM. Reason: Add more of the quote for clarity
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  #13  
Old 28 February 2009, 11:15 PM
Ana Ng Ana Ng is offline
 
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I don't understand what the guy in the OP was trying to accomplish, though. Or why the woman would ever talk to him again.
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  #14  
Old 28 February 2009, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Cellaneous View Post
Of course, part of the appeal was that they were Dad's "Army food," and the items we got were probably the best bits but we seriously loved the stuff he saved for us.
The little bits of them could be pretty good. The IMPs often came with little brand-name chocolate bars and things. Also, some of them contained tubes of honey which were pretty much looked upon as gold.
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  #15  
Old 28 February 2009, 11:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ana Ng View Post
I don't understand what the guy in the OP was trying to accomplish, though. Or why the woman would ever talk to him again.
I'm mystified, too. I really just don't get it.
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  #16  
Old 01 March 2009, 12:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ana Ng View Post
I don't understand what the guy in the OP was trying to accomplish, though. Or why the woman would ever talk to him again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariadne View Post
I'm mystified, too. I really just don't get it.
Quote:
On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
This I believe is what he was trying to achieve. The fact that it made her ill seems unintended, even though he gets a kick out of telling the story.
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  #17  
Old 01 March 2009, 12:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Cellaneous View Post
I'm sure I'm dating myself here, but I can remember when my dad used to go out in the field and would bring home bits of C rations for my sister and me. We used to love the peanut butter and jelly in little olive green cans, and some kind of spreadable cheese stuff, and there were these hard, flat giant cracker things that lived in little pouches. And of course, Chiclets...
Ditto. I still have a P-38 can opener around somewhere.
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  #18  
Old 01 March 2009, 01:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ana Ng View Post
I don't understand what the guy in the OP was trying to accomplish, though. Or why the woman would ever talk to him again.
I agree. While I applaud his effort in cooking the meal his attitude towards his girlfriend's distress is appalling.
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  #19  
Old 01 March 2009, 06:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eddylizard View Post
This I believe is what he was trying to achieve. The fact that it made her ill seems unintended, even though he gets a kick out of telling the story.
It just seemed mean-spirited from the outset, not that I think it actually happened. If a guy I'm dating asks for a night he'll never forget, I won't answer the door wearing nothing but a tiny trenchcoat and then bash his teeth in with a frying pan, will I?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitoboo View Post
I agree. While I applaud his effort in cooking the meal his attitude towards his girlfriend's distress is appalling.
Added to the fact he knew the alleged effects of MREs in advance, and counted on them enough to reinforce the facilities for the anticipated painful physical reaction.
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  #20  
Old 01 March 2009, 04:53 PM
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Wolf

I've read this before. I think one of our posters put it up on the old board, but I forget whether it was claimed to be a personal account or if he was passing the story along.
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