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  #1  
Old 07 October 2012, 02:59 AM
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queen of the caramels queen of the caramels is offline
 
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Royalty Pregnancy, adoptions, and parenthood

DD2(11) is a middle child She's trying to interact with both DH and I over our hobbies.

She's helping out with the fish, she wants to cook , she's helping with DIY projects.

How can we get her to understand that we value her for herself rather than her almost constant desire to interact with us?

She needs time to still be a child but she really wants to prove herself in a more adult area...

Ideas for helping her and us to get over this bump in our realionship.
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  #2  
Old 07 October 2012, 03:03 AM
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Is there anything wrong with letting her be involved? It sounds like she's craving some attention. If you can't let her be involved, then think about ways you can devote some one on one time with her. Personally, I'd teach her to cook and let her at it.

Gibbie
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  #3  
Old 07 October 2012, 05:17 AM
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Given that by nature she's a self-admitted Drama-queen ..it's more how to keep her involved rather than to exclude her...
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Old 07 October 2012, 07:00 AM
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I noticed a post right toward the end of the previous thread that really bothered me, but didn't get a chance to reply as it was locked shortly after (likely because it was mighty long). I know the PA&P threads are often about advice on heavy issues and I generally stay away because I am not a parent, and I generally understand that it's one of those things you just have to go through yourself to most fully understand. That said, I do not think I need to be a parent to point out the incredible inappropriateness of making light of a serious, life altering - and potentially deadly - medical condition. We just had an entire thread dedicated to the fact that many people don't treat mental illness and those who suffer from them with the same respect as people, doctors, and situations involved with "regular" deadly diseases.

I understand that the poster likely did not intend to be deeply offensive toward the people - some of which are members here on the board, others whom deal day in and out with loved ones who suffer from a terrible, currently incurable disease - whose lives have been touched, weighed down upon, or fragmented by Bipolar Disorder (of which there are generally accepted to be two types, which is almost universally overlooked). However, using such a throw away quip, complete with smiley face indicating its lighthearted nature, is every bit as cruel and uncalled for as if they had made a joke about cancer. Given some of the posters' experiences right here in previous incarnations of this thread, I do not believe for one moment that such a jest would be tolerated.

I'm sorry to start off this new version of the thread on such a heavy note, but as one poster managed to reply before the thread was locked and restarted, making light of a serious medical condition is offensive and absolutely "not cool" regardless if it is physical or mental in nature.
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  #5  
Old 08 October 2012, 03:47 PM
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I had a rough weekend. DH had to work and I found important stuff breaking left and right. I was crying about the sewing machine incident mentioned in another thread. Little_Aud (6.5 yrs old) picked up on my mood and went out of her way to help. She distracted her sister and would run to get things for me. I couldn't parley this into her picking up in her room but I was grateful for what she did do. I told her how proud I was of her for helping. Still she seemed to be on eggshells around me. I hated that. There is a chance she was just being dramatic but I still feel bad.

Her paying attention to other people has been an issue. She interrupts a lot. Her teacher has noted this. So Little_Aud can read me at a 10 but can't at a 3. Is this progress or not?

-------------
As for mental health issues. I know what you are saying about the comment. My BIL is schizophrenic and clearly colloquial use of skitzo has little to do with actual symptoms. My kids are at additional risk for both schizophrenic and autism so I'm highly aware of the early symptoms. Perhaps too aware. I took the comments as a parental tendency to look for symptoms of disease. I saw it as self-deprecating of his own parenting abilities rather than being about people with bi-polar.

This parenting thread has been such a boon for me and many parents here. There is a dearth of skeptical evidence based parenting advice on the web. We've learned to watch our fingers about many subjects to spare feeling (breastfeeding for example) but this is also a place to vent. I don't know that this sort of language happens often enough for a new rule or us to vet every post for what would the non-parents think.

I've had a breast feeding issue I've wanted to ask about but have been afraid that even the asking of it would make the formula feeder feel bad (my oldest was formula fed). See I feel the need to qualify everything on a sensitive subject. Does that help communication?
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  #6  
Old 08 October 2012, 04:51 PM
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Aud, can you use this explosion to your advantage with cue-reading? I did the same thing about a year ago. I sat my kids down after I had lost my temper. I told them I was sorry, that wasn't a good way for me to react and I was working on controlling my reactions better. I asked them if they liked it better if I raise my voice or don't. (They like me better quiet ) I told them that I will work very hard to NOT raise my voice...but I need them to work very hard to respond to the sweeter, quieter voice. And that I was going to start quietly handing out consequences instead of ever raising my voice. I then started saying quietly to them "I am frustrated because I can't get a response with my quiet voice" rather than raising my voice. My kids both started listening and responding better to me at a 3. And I got better at staying at a 3.
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Old 08 October 2012, 06:40 PM
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I'm not sure how asking people not to use an actual mental disorder as a joke is going to harm the flow of communication on this board. For the same reasons fag, calling something gay or retarded or lame isn't acceptable, it is not cool to use bi-polar lightly.

I don't see any reason people can't vent, share or ask for advice without being insulting to others. It's common courtesy. Formula feeding and breast feeding are choices and come under fire from both sides. It's a hotly debated topic, and I know that most people, regardless of which way they choose, are aware of that. Bi Polar disorder is not a choice. It's also not a joke.

ETA:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aud 1 View Post
I don't know that this sort of language happens often enough for a new rule or us to vet every post for what would the non-parents think.
Which non-parents are you referring to? As a parent, I know that I feel no right to use insulting language towards a person with a health issue simply because I was able to procreate. Being a parent gives you exactly 0 right to be a jerk.

*all yous being general, of course.

Last edited by Tzarina; 08 October 2012 at 07:01 PM.
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  #8  
Old 08 October 2012, 07:55 PM
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I don't see where asking people to keep common courtesy in mind is asking for a rule. Nor is it asking anyone to vet anyone else's posts.
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  #9  
Old 08 October 2012, 08:18 PM
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Also, this is a thread about parenting. It's not a thread for parents and everyone else can NFBSK off.
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  #10  
Old 08 October 2012, 10:20 PM
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I think I may have taken this as yet another "Parenting, you are doing it all wrong.

Last edited by Aud 1; 08 October 2012 at 10:47 PM.
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  #11  
Old 08 October 2012, 10:31 PM
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I think I may have taken it as yet another "non-parents are worthless."
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  #12  
Old 09 October 2012, 12:55 AM
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No one was questioning anyone's parenting ability. It was the use of bi-polar as a joke that was the issue.
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  #13  
Old 09 October 2012, 01:02 AM
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Agreed - I don't see anyone targeting parenting skill here. I also don't like the insinuation that non parents aren't welcome here. I think that the advice here is valuable to anyone who encounters kids, or is considering having kids, or who might one day have kids.
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  #14  
Old 09 October 2012, 03:13 AM
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I was the one who made the joke in the other thread. It wasn't meant to be offensive. It was a stupid joke. I am sorry.
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  #15  
Old 09 October 2012, 03:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Auntie Witch View Post
Agreed - I don't see anyone targeting parenting skill here. I also don't like the insinuation that non parents aren't welcome here. I think that the advice here is valuable to anyone who encounters kids, or is considering having kids, or who might one day have kids.
+1..sometimes people who aren't close to the problem have a much better view than those of us who are at the coal-face.
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  #16  
Old 09 October 2012, 03:46 AM
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Anyway, turning the page: I want to brag on the girls a bit. Today we were in the cafeteria for after school care, and I had all the kiddos lined up at the teacher table working on homework. The music teacher was working with a young lady on scales, and then led her into practicing the national anthem. I was watching her sing, and then turned around to check on my kiddos, and saw all of them sitting and working quietly - except for my girls, who stood, hands on hearts.

I'd post on my FB wall to brag, but some of my nutjob right-wing relatives would probably rant that the other kids were raised wrong and it's somehow Obama's fault that they weren't standing.
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  #17  
Old 09 October 2012, 04:01 AM
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A week ago, Gavin (4) figured out biking without training wheels. Then his older stepbrother, M, taught him to start himself, and he is now biking with ease. Then, this weekend, Rowan (6) could no longer handle Gavin having a skill she lacked. So she learned to ride without training wheels, too. Same stepbrother showed her the self-start trick. She is now biking all over our hilly neighborhood like an old pro. Tomorrow they both want to bike to Rowan's school.
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  #18  
Old 09 October 2012, 11:33 AM
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Hey, Aud, if you're not doing it wrong, then you're doing it wrong!
Sometimes I feel like, no matter what I do, as a parent, I'm gonna be doing the wrong thing
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  #19  
Old 09 October 2012, 01:09 PM
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Just wanted to chime in as a non-parent: I really love these threads because they provide a lot of perspective and ideas for if/when Gyle and I are able to start a family. (Sooner the better, but there's no way we can afford it just now.) It's also really touching to see how many parents here are concerned about their children's feelings, apologizing when they were in the wrong and such. I'd be embarrassed to say how old I was before I discovered any parents did that!
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  #20  
Old 09 October 2012, 01:50 PM
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Alan (4 years old) has been reading us first grade level books the last few nights (he's apparently now bored with more beginner-level readers). He's also figured out how to add and subtract using his fingers rather than by rote memorization, and is counting backwards from 40. He's been recommended for a "twice exceptional" program in a nearby city.

Anyone know anything about or "twice exceptional" programs? I know they're for intelligent kids with some form of learning disability (e.g., Asperger's), but I haven't really had much luck with my google fu figuring out much more.
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