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  #421  
Old 14 August 2017, 09:51 PM
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Keket Keket is offline
 
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To the judge at last weekend's horse show:

A few problems with your placings:
You placed an obviously lame horse second. You gave overall champion to a horse that was four beating at the lope and walking in the back at the jog. You gave a first place to a horse that was basically doing shoulder in as it was loping along the rail, and similarly placed a horse that was overbent.

These are all things that should be grounds for disqualification. This is why western pleasure gets such a bad name. Remind me never to compete anywhere that you're judging at.

Keket
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  #422  
Old 15 August 2017, 11:45 PM
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Psihala Psihala is offline
 
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Fight

Dear two-year-old male squirrel,

Squirrels are supposedly bright, inquisitive animals. I'm convinced you have a learning impediment.

You aren't one of the yearlings that hang out on the other side of the apartment. You've been around the other older squirrels that get their weekly Thursday treats (but show up everyday just in case anyway, I guess,) for long enough to know you aren't going to intimidate the four-year-old female that shares the yard with you.

For one, she's at least a third again your size, and for another, she's kicked your furry butt every single time you've tried to bully her.

So what in the name of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom™ made you think it was gonna work this time? She didn't even have to drop whatever it was she was carrying to knock you on your back and send you running.

And before you get the idea that you are at least leaving an impression (she's left more of them on you over the course of the summer), once you were gone, she simply went back to what she was doing like the encounter never happened. Whatever it is you're trying to do, you're doing it wrong.

I'd like to think you've learned your lesson this time, but I'm not holding my breath.

~the lady that watches over the lot of you from her apartment window
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  #423  
Old 17 August 2017, 12:00 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Dear Library Patron: Thank you for finding my phone recharger and turning it in at the front desk! Thanks for the note on my windshield to let me know where to claim the charger. I wish I could thank you in person.

Owner of aforementioned phone charger.
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  #424  
Old 18 August 2017, 03:38 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Dear oncoming migraine: No. You. Don't! I have a training class tomorrow and work today and you Will. Not. Ruin. The. Next. Few. Days!!

The management
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  #425  
Old 19 August 2017, 09:02 AM
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Gutter Monkey Gutter Monkey is offline
 
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S:
I get it, the comedian Bill Hicks was a huge influence on shaping your worldview during your 'angry teen atheist' stage but that was over 20 years ago so maybe it's time to stop quoting him and trying to act like him? Especially since you've turned into a complacent, uncreative, cliche-spouting, intellectually timid middleaged middleclass bore who Hicks probably would have despised. Or do you think you're somehow living up to Hicks' ideals? Apart from the smoking and the drinking and the smugness, that is. You've certainly got those parts down pat.
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  #426  
Old 20 August 2017, 02:08 AM
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Supposedly much of Hicks's act was a Take That against Reagan-Era and Bush-Era conservatism. You honestly wonder what would have happened if he had lived long enough to see today's conservatism.

Of course, I have a similar thing regarding the Beat writers. Supposedly they were rebelling against the stifling conservatism/conformity of the Eisenhower-era, but again, you wonder how they would react to modern-day conservatism, how many of them would just go completely mad as soon as they stepped out of the time travel ship.
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  #427  
Old 20 August 2017, 07:35 AM
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Maybe we don't have to wonder, maybe we already know what Hicks would have turned into if he hadn't died. There's a very popular conspiracy theory that Bill Hicks faked his own death, got a small amount of plastic surgery to change his face slightly and now works as a radio shock jock called (spoiler) Alex Jones.

Here's a Vice article all about it. (NWS for language.)
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  #428  
Old 21 August 2017, 01:46 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Blow Your Top

Dear US Navy: Again?! You t-boned another ship? OK so the venue is a busy shipping lane, but really? How on earth can you miss a big ship with all the radar, sonar, GPS devices, tracking systems, etc that you presumably have on your ship?? You gotta cut this out! Don't want Dad taking away the keys.

Dear Missing Sailors: please make yourselves visible to rescuers.

Confused American
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  #429  
Old 22 August 2017, 01:57 PM
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Dear Niece,

You make my mother cry. I make you cry. Be very glad I wasn't over there last night. We will be talking about this though. Very soon .
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  #430  
Old 23 August 2017, 07:16 PM
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Dear acquaintance on another forum:

Your horse, by your admission, has been on/off lame for months. I suggested probably x-rays woukd be useful. You're "not ready" to do that. A bunch of other people suggested some homeopathic bs. You complained that vets don't diagnose anything "the old fashioned way". Sure we do. But we can use tech to get a clearer picture of what's going on. That's not a failing on our part. What you're doing is not working. So what was the point of posting?

But sure, try the homeopathic silica or whatever the other people suggested. When you do finally give in and call the vet out, I hope she or he doesn't slap you.

- Keket who only went to school for this so what do I know?
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  #431  
Old 23 August 2017, 11:58 PM
jimmy101_again jimmy101_again is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnStorm View Post
Dear US Navy: Again?! You t-boned another ship? OK so the venue is a busy shipping lane, but really? How on earth can you miss a big ship with all the radar, sonar, GPS devices, tracking systems, etc that you presumably have on your ship?? You gotta cut this out! Don't want Dad taking away the keys.
Actually, the Navy ship got t-boned (same as the last time this happened). And, the radar, GPS and a zillion dollars of other high tech devices are pretty much unneeded. A ship is supposed to have real actual live people looking out for other ships that might try to occupy the same region of space as the ship with the actual persons looking out for other ships. Not running into (or being run into) another ship is not rocket science.

Indeed, I would almost think that it is impossible to accidentally run into another ship on the open ocean.
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  #432  
Old 24 August 2017, 07:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jimmy101_again View Post
Actually, the Navy ship got t-boned (same as the last time this happened). And, the radar, GPS and a zillion dollars of other high tech devices are pretty much unneeded. A ship is supposed to have real actual live people looking out for other ships that might try to occupy the same region of space as the ship with the actual persons looking out for other ships. Not running into (or being run into) another ship is not rocket science.

Indeed, I would almost think that it is impossible to accidentally run into another ship on the open ocean.
I read somewhere that they had lost "situational awareness" which I guess is code for "forgot to look where they were going"
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  #433  
Old 29 August 2017, 03:17 PM
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Shout

Dear Harvey: get up off your watery ass and head out to sea!!

~Concerned citizen.
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  #434  
Old 29 August 2017, 03:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gutter Monkey View Post
I read somewhere that they had lost "situational awareness" which I guess is code for "forgot to look where they were going"
More or less.

It's especially funny to me because we joke that our Hammy cat lacks situational awareness. How he survived on the streets for months I don't know. We wondered about his hearing at first, but he reacts to loud noises. He just fails to notice when someone is walking across the room toward him -- talking to him -- and then jumps when that person touches him.
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  #435  
Old 29 August 2017, 04:09 PM
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Psihala Psihala is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnStorm View Post
Dear Harvey: get up off your watery ass and head out to sea!!

~Concerned citizen.
From what I understand, this is exactly the problem. Harvey got pushed back over the gulf, picking up more moisture and energy, then wandered back inland. Houston and Louisiana are getting potentially three more days of heavy rain because of it.

The best thing that could happen is for it go far enough inland that it can't pick up any more moisture and blows itself out.

~Psihala
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  #436  
Old 29 August 2017, 04:11 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Shout

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psihala View Post
From what I understand, this is exactly the problem. Harvey got pushed back over the gulf, picking up more moisture and energy, then wandered back inland. Houston and Louisiana are getting potentially three more days of heavy rain because of it.

The best thing that could happen is for it go far enough inland that it can't pick up any more moisture and blows itself out.

~Psihala
Ah! Well, then, HARVEY!! Get up off your watery ass and go take a hike somewhere up north!
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  #437  
Old 29 August 2017, 05:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DawnStorm View Post
Ah! Well, then, HARVEY!! Get up off your watery ass and go take a hike somewhere up north!
Harvey, do as Dawnstorm says and take a hike -- just not north, OK? You are predicted to affect the Ohio River basin on Saturday. Admittedly, you will be weak and aging by then, but we don't want the 30mph winds predicted, nor the leftover rain. Just go out into the gulf and enjoy a margarita and pass away quietly!

This Ohio River basin resident sends all my compassion and sympathy to those in the REAL danger zone!
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  #438  
Old 05 September 2017, 06:00 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Yow!

Dear Unknown Helpline Caller:

If you do not like computers, you are living in the wrong century!

As my supervisor mentioned, we do offer training on how to use the database.


~Inadvertent listener
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  #439  
Old 21 September 2017, 06:11 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Read This!

Dear Reason website: Miami-Dade area residents were given notices informing them of immediate, post-Irma hazards along with local government contact. Those notices are not the usual fix-this-code-violation-or-else! letters. You might want to do a little bit more research before putting something online.

So...fake news!

Dawn--there's no tasks or projects for me to at work!--Storm
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