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  #1  
Old 15 May 2018, 06:41 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Default How do I get out of a bad marriage?

How do I get out of a bad marriage? My husband lets me stay with my mom indefinitely, I think because punching me wears him out, but I just want a clean break and if I sue him for divorce it's going to be a Big Issue.

When I'm in Belgium I'm without him, but he is Dutch so he normally stays with his cousins and meets me. I think if I talked to my boss about this she would be supportive.
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  #2  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:01 PM
Ryda Wong, EBfCo. Ryda Wong, EBfCo. is offline
 
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Let me just express how sorry I am you have to go through this and also say how brave I think you are for recognizing that you need to get out and asking for help in doing so.

I am not sure of your situation, legally/citizenship-wise, in Belgium or how you got there, but perhaps your boss has some ideas of domestic violence victim resources in the country you can access? Or perhaps even the US embassy could be of some help? I apologize if you've already reached out to these resources or have considered them. Nor am I sure why divorce would specifically cause big issues in your situation, so I guess I'm more posting this to give you some moral support, useless as that may be.
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  #3  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:11 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryda Wong, EBfCo. View Post
Let me just express how sorry I am you have to go through this and also say how brave I think you are for recognizing that you need to get out and asking for help in doing so.

I am not sure of your situation, legally/citizenship-wise, in Belgium or how you got there, but perhaps your boss has some ideas of domestic violence victim resources in the country you can access? Or perhaps even the US embassy could be of some help? I apologize if you've already reached out to these resources or have considered them. Nor am I sure why divorce would specifically cause big issues in your situation, so I guess I'm more posting this to give you some moral support, useless as that may be.
Ryda, moral support means everything to me. My mother and everyone I love in my life are telling me I'm being a bad wife right now. It's taking you sall to have the courage I do right now.

I'm a US ciitizen, he is not. He's from the netherlands. I have a work visa Belgium -- But that's one thing I don't really want to use - I could easily get him deported, but that seems wrong.
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  #4  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:22 PM
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Gutter Monkey Gutter Monkey is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
I could easily get him deported, but that seems wrong.
Sounds right to me??!?
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  #5  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:29 PM
Ryda Wong, EBfCo. Ryda Wong, EBfCo. is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
My mother and everyone I love in my life are telling me I'm being a bad wife right now.
If he is abusing you, you are NOT being a bad wife. He is being a bad husband. Plain and simple. I am very, very sorry that people in your life are not recognizing that and giving you the support you need.

Quote:
I'm a US ciitizen, he is not. He's from the netherlands. I have a work visa Belgium
Is there any chance that the company for whom you work has a contract with some sort of employee assistance program that might be able to refer you for some legal advice on how to negotiate this? As well as, and forgive me if this is out of line, some counseling that could give you additional emotional support?

If not, perhaps one of these two agencies could be of use?

Ecoute Violences Conjugales
0800 30 030 - Monday to Saturday from 9h to 20h
http://ecouteviolencesconjugales.be

Centre de Prévention des Violences Conjugales et Familiales
Boulevard de l'Abattoir 27-28 – 1000 Brussels
02 539 27 44 (Monday to Friday 9h-19h)
info@cpvcf.org
violences.familiales@misc.irisnet.be
www.cpvcf.org

Source: https://www.brussels.be/victims-violence

Quote:
But that's one thing I don't really want to use - I could easily get him deported, but that seems wrong.
I am sure you have good reasons at this juncture for feeling that would be wrong. However, his status at this point is, frankly, secondary to your right to be free from a violent relationship and to be safe and supported.
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  #6  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:53 PM
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GenYus234 GenYus234 is offline
 
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I'm very sorry you have to go through this. But good on you for having to courage to reach out for help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
My husband lets me stay with my mom indefinitely
I hope this isn't your plan for somewhere to stay. Because it doesn't sound like it would be good for you given this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
My mother and everyone I love in my life are telling me I'm being a bad wife right now.
IANAE, but you should have somewhere to stay that will be supportive of you.
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  #7  
Old 15 May 2018, 07:57 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Thank you for the local resources - they understand the nuances way more than you could expect. I'm considered a "guest" here in belgium and the local HQ is not at all open to me reporting a dutchman for abuse - it requires a more american look.

ETA: I am in Brussels right now.
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  #8  
Old 15 May 2018, 08:19 PM
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Lainie Lainie is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
. . . the local HQ is not at all open to me reporting a dutchman for abuse - it requires a more american look.
I'm sorry, I don't understand the last part of what I quoted above.

Please stay safe.
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  #9  
Old 15 May 2018, 10:44 PM
Aud 1 Aud 1 is offline
 
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Plurabelle, You are not being a bad wife, you are being a good human. I know this is hard. Please go back and look at some of the things you posted here about him. How he seemed to care more about the dogs than you when you were bitten for example. You documented a lot of crap he's pulled on you through the years. Look here and in any other forum you might visit. Print stuff out. Share it with your mom if you feel safe doing so. You need real life people on your team right now.
Stay safe. Listen to Ryda.
Virtual hugs from Missouri.
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  #10  
Old 15 May 2018, 10:49 PM
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Sue Sue is offline
 
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Plurabelle, I am in no way defending your mother but have you been honest with her over what has been happening to you up to this point? You've posted a lot of things here that concerned many of us - that we felt were indicators of abuse, but you rejected that interpretation, even as recently as the post you made about suing the police who did not believe you when you said you were not being abused by your husband! If you've been telling her what's happening and she still says you are a bad wife, well I have no words. But if you've been lying to her and covering for him it may take her some time to come around. But whether that happens or not don't let her reactions decide your actions.
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  #11  
Old 16 May 2018, 04:52 AM
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Esprise Me Esprise Me is offline
 
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You and he have a home together in Michigan, near your parents, right? And you also travel to Belgium periodically for work, but he doesn't go with you? Or does he? I'm trying to figure out where the resources are needed.
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  #12  
Old 16 May 2018, 01:28 PM
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Crius of CoH Crius of CoH is offline
 
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Just noting here that there are lots of times family cannot be relied upon to support an abuse victim. Between my wife and I, over the last thirty or so years, we knew/know perhaps a dozen people who were in some form of abusive relationship, whose families (parents and siblings and sometimes more) would deny the spouse was anything other than a decent human being, but would also censure their offspring/sibling for "stirring up trouble". It is sad, but it is apparently too often true. For what it's worth, you have my deepest sympathies, since this makes your situation that much more difficult to cope with. I hope that, with the assistance of the many wonderful and supportive people on this board, you are able to get out of this situation and resume a life free of abuse.
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  #13  
Old 16 May 2018, 05:15 PM
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Gibbie Gibbie is offline
 
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I'm glad you looking to get out. You're not a bad wife. Don't listen to anyone who says that, least of all your own brain.

Lawyer up. First thing you need do. Sell blood if you have to to get the money. I had a completely amicable divorce and it was still the best money I've ever ever spent. Because I didn't have to worry about anything, it was like I said "make my marriage go away, here's money" and poof done. I'm clearly oversimplifying but it all felt so overwhelming when I thought about it and it was such a relief to find a professional that would just handle things for me. And explain things to me and give me good advice. Your situation is so complex, with abuse and international borders and such, that you really need a legal professional on your side. How often are you in the US? You could even set up something long distance and meet with them when you're home. The links Ryda gave you should help if you need to deal with things in Belgium. Personally, I think deporting him sounds like a fine idea.

Lastly, he doesn't *let* you do anything. You're a grown adult, you can stay where you want, when you want for as long as you want. You need to believe that. The lawyer will help remind him that legally you can as well.
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  #14  
Old 17 May 2018, 05:56 PM
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khisanth khisanth is offline
 
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Plurabelle,

You have all my hugs.

I recommend getting a Nolo book on divorce for your state. It can help you understand the process of getting a divorce. Their website has a lot of great information as well. It helped me a lot when I was going through a divorce.

Start trying to assemble Team You. The people who will be on your side. I recommend googling for Captain Awkward. She has great columns on how to assemble a Team You.

A psychologist is recommended to help navigate your mental /emotional state. They can also help you on prioritizing next steps.

More Hugs!

Khisanth
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  #15  
Old 21 May 2018, 07:06 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Hi all,

I had to take a deep breath. I'm sorry for worrying anyone by being absent. I still have a broken leg and am taking a lot of drugs that make me pretty sleepy - I've had a lot of complications, hence mt return to the US.

I'm back in the US right now, and you are correct. I have been hiding the truth from those I love.

I am safe and okay with my mom and my stepfather. I have told them whats really going on and have unconditional support.
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  #16  
Old 21 May 2018, 07:10 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
Plurabelle, I am in no way defending your mother but have you been honest with her over what has been happening to you up to this point? You've posted a lot of things here that concerned many of us - that we felt were indicators of abuse, but you rejected that interpretation, even as recently as the post you made about suing the police who did not believe you when you said you were not being abused by your husband! If you've been telling her what's happening and she still says you are a bad wife, well I have no words. But if you've been lying to her and covering for him it may take her some time to come around. But whether that happens or not don't let her reactions decide your actions.
No, I've been lying to them.

I am not a bad wife, end of story.

I apologise for posting when I am totally not logical or making any sense, I was in a lot of pain. I want to slap the shit out of my former self. But violence doesn't solve anything.
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  #17  
Old 21 May 2018, 07:32 PM
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erwins erwins is offline
 
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There are limits to the advice that people who know you only through posts on the internet can give.

Find a therapist that you believe can truly help you. Make a commitment to yourself to tell the therapist only the truth.
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  #18  
Old 21 May 2018, 07:38 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by erwins View Post
There are limits to the advice that people who know you only through posts on the internet can give.

Find a therapist that you believe can truly help you. Make a commitment to yourself to tell the therapist only the truth.
I have a therapist that will do that, and has met with both me and my husband.

I stopped seeing him a while ago cos I was being a moron, and it was really too hard to think about feelings when you're on painkilllers. I just thought about work or crap to order off of amazon.

We're not divorced yet, and I think this therapist can help a lot. He understands me, and claims to understand my husband. He's on his second marriage, which has lasted 25 years, so I'm optimistic.

But I am demanding help as alll have reccomended,
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  #19  
Old 21 May 2018, 07:43 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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And I just want to apologize, I'm on half dose painkillers but I'm still on painkillers and so a little forgetful and stupid.
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  #20  
Old 21 May 2018, 09:05 PM
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I thought of your story often this weekend, Plurabelle, I'm glad to hear that you are moving in a good direction and are gathering people who support you. It's easier to stay put than to move but I'm so impressed by your courage to get out and get help.
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