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  #1  
Old 25 December 2008, 05:02 PM
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Icon19 Real Résumés

One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed
in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet
progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond
to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
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  #2  
Old 25 December 2008, 07:07 PM
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We once received a resume from a guy that was eight pages long and written in the third person - "John Doe is an excellent employee. John Doe has successfully done blah, blah, blah." We joked it was written by his mom.
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  #3  
Old 25 December 2008, 08:55 PM
Mycroft Mycroft is offline
 
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Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.
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  #4  
Old 25 December 2008, 10:03 PM
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I had an applicant that stated, "I write letters good" in her cover letter.
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  #5  
Old 26 December 2008, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roadie View Post
I had an applicant that stated, "I write letters good" in her cover letter.
Was it written by Elly May Clampet?
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  #6  
Old 26 December 2008, 06:11 PM
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On a college essay, someone I know wrote "Everyone in my class is dumber than me." Luckily, she got someone to proofread it before she sent it.
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  #7  
Old 26 December 2008, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.
I worked at a t-shirt shop that wanted us to list things like that on our applications. I was wondering if they were hiring sales-people or circus clowns. Turns out the owner was a juggling, yo-yo nerd.
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  #8  
Old 23 December 2015, 03:56 PM
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RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.
The thinking behind that is perfectly logical: you want to include hobbies in your resume to give an idea that you have interests outside the office. It makes the resume more interesting and occasionally, you'll hit someone who shares the same interest. If I saw that on a resume, it'd go to the top of the pile.
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  #9  
Old 23 December 2015, 04:03 PM
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I suspect part of the reason I got my job was that I mentioned my love of travel during my interview, and the doctor I work for will talk for hours about all the places she's been.

But I only mentioned it in order to explain some gaps on my resume. I wouldn't include non-work-related interests on the resume. If I'm directly asked about my hobbies during an interview, that's different.
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Old 23 December 2015, 06:31 PM
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Dutch Angua Dutch Angua is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RealityChuck View Post
The thinking behind that is perfectly logical: you want to include hobbies in your resume to give an idea that you have interests outside the office. It makes the resume more interesting and occasionally, you'll hit someone who shares the same interest. If I saw that on a resume, it'd go to the top of the pile.
I have listed my hobbies on my resume. Once during a job interview I was told I was not what they were looking for, as my hobbies (drawing, hiking, shooting) showed I wasn't a team player.
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  #11  
Old 23 December 2015, 06:38 PM
Elkhound Elkhound is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dutch Angua View Post
I have listed my hobbies on my resume. Once during a job interview I was told I was not what they were looking for, as my hobbies (drawing, hiking, shooting) showed I wasn't a team player.
One wants one's colleagues to be collegial. I was once on a hiring committee, and we had it down to two candidates. In terms of background, skills, etc., both were excellent; the one who was marginally better on those qualities had, alas, a personality that would have rubbed everyone in the group the wrong way.
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  #12  
Old 24 December 2015, 07:38 AM
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re the hobbies thing. When I started doing resumes back in the '90's most resumes templates included "hobbies" as a heading. I was told the same reason RealityChuck was told.

I relise I have missed a whole lot of post on this topic.
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  #13  
Old 31 December 2015, 01:24 PM
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I'm always a bit suspicious of the authenticity of these lists. Some of these might be simple typos. People sometimes get nervous when filling out a paper application and misspell a word they perfectly well know. Word processing cut-and-paste technology makes it easy to reword a sentence and overlook some error such as noun/pronoun or noun/verb agreement. ("An office clerk or sales assistant" becomes "an sales assistant or office clerk", a rewording that might not have been made on a typewriter written resume.)

A writer I met a few years ago told about a sentence he'd written in one of his novels that, either through elimination or addition of a character from the scene, contained a noun/verb agreement error. He discovered it when, signing autographs six months after the book had been published, a reader drew his attention to the ungrammatical quote on the the back cover. Not only had the author overlooked the error, so had at least three other people: the editor, the copy editor, and the person who did the cover layout. Sometimes these errors aren't because some people are stupid, they're because all people are human. We'd be stupid ourselves to disregard an otherwise well written piece over an error.

This isn't to say that these mistakes aren't often very funny. Sometimes it's the applications themselves and advice of career experts that lead to strange answers, especially since so many employers have come to expect the sort of aggrandizement that rankles the literate and favors the fabulist. Somebody has to slice the meat, take the reservations, guard the bank, or repair the plumbing, and while some people doing those jobs may be well read, sophisticated people, it shouldn't be a requirement. I don't so much care if the hardware store clerk thinks a "dowel rod" is a "doll rod" as much as whether I get sent to correct aisle or a dozen aisles over to bathroom fixtures where "towel rod" displays are.
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  #14  
Old 23 December 2015, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
[...] one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.
Unicyclist would definitely be a positive. YMMV (on one wheel).
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