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  #21  
Old 01 March 2018, 08:23 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Originally Posted by Dasla View Post
I am sorry for your impeding lose overyonder. No matter what your age or your Mum's age I don't think you are ever really ready to lose her.

I agree with the others who have said just offer support for any decision she makes and ignore other that disagree. It her life her decision.
You are so right - I had 4 years notice when my dad eventually lost his battle with cancer, and I had a bad few months and got over it pretty quickly because I have an amazing stepfather, and a pretty shitty dad. But losing my mom - I can't even comprehend it, although it's starting to sink in as she gets sicker and relies on me more and more - she has deadly blood pressure issues and that is causing problems with her teeth, her feet aand her hands. She really doesn't like driving anymore and always calls me on grocery day to see if I feel like hanging out. Her car is 3 years old and has less than 2500 miles, all of which i've logged - between my stepdad and me I'm not sure she's ever driven it.

She was almost 40 when she had me, so we always knew I'd potentially lose her relatively young. My grandparents all died in their late 90s, but my dad died at 54 and my mom is not that much into her 70s. My stepfather will have to be pried by force from this world I'm guessing no younger than 105 (he quit smoking, quit drinking, and eats nothing but lean fish, yogurt and beet juice), though I wonder how much his zest for life will wane once my mom is gone because he is the only hardass as big as I am about her doctor's appointments, and getting her to the doctor/asking the hard questions she won't, but he seriously loves his grandkids, even though he has bones to pick with all of us daughters.

My aunts all had sons and they always talked about how lucky my mom was to have me because they wouldn't have let their sons take care of them, but my mom has me. (my mom is much older than my aunts, and in much poorer health than my aunts, including one heroin addict who is seemingly invincible). We went 4 years without speaking once because I was so ashamed of myself (I made some seriously bad life choices) but now if I don't talk to her every day it's a rarity.

My husband has been in the process of losing his mother over the last 15 years. She is 88, completely healthy, but thinks she is still in Nazi-occupied Netherlands. She cannot recognize any of her sons and keeps asking for her husband, who died almost 40 years ago. I am thankful there is no history of dementia in my family, and his family history is one of the main reasons we decided against biological children.

But in the end, for OY, please just know our love is with you. Medically assisted suicide has not legally been an option in the US, as far as I know, via the Kevorkian thing which was a local issue, but doctors have been offering it via a pain med button that "might" just accidentally OD a patient who is suffering for as long as I've been an adult, probably longer - my father's oncologist certainly seemed like he had a lot of morphine ODs on his plate. Doctors are humans too, and hate seeing suffering, especially if they can't do anything to help - once they say the cancer is invasive, and in your bones, brain, heart, liver, kidneys, etc, there's not much else they can do. The families often get upset, but it is just none of their business. My grandmother was happy my father got to let himself go on his terms. That's all the buy in I needed - my crazy Christian cousins were so horrified he wasn't saved etc, and I told them to eat shit.

I hope your mom is comfy in hospice care, but if your work permits you please spend as much time with her as you can- my grandmother refused hospice care because she wanted to be in a familiar place, any my poor mom ended up changing her diapers - not a glamorous end. When we first put my MIL in the home (she really couldn't care for herself and our ability to care for her was not ideal - I ended up changing her diapers at least hourly and showering her but I was worried about wounds she inflicted/kept picking at) she would brighten up at seeing us and the caffeinated coffee we brought with us. Eventually she forgot who we were, but it sounds like your mom will be with it for her duration.
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  #22  
Old 01 March 2018, 08:36 PM
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Plurabelle Plurabelle is offline
 
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Originally Posted by overyonder View Post
The doctor came and she had mom moved to a palliative care home, about 15 miles from mom's house. The move was gut wrenching as they actually thought they were going to lose her in the chair that she came out in (the powered stretcher doesn't find in older homes).

Things are calm for now.

OY
I am so sorry for you and hope that your mom can have the fun in the little bit of life she has left.

Eff your aunts, number one

Second, let your mom view any crazy movies she wants - old movies tend to distract people who are immobile/not moving easily on their own. Gone with the Wind, etc (This is just based on my grandmothers/mil, but I don't know your mom, she may prefer modern movies)

Make it as homey as possible - bring over her bedding, any random blankets she has, etc - make her feel like she's in palliative care as little as possible. They might ask to boil it first, but it will make her so much more comfortable.

Get her effed up - if she's allowed pain meds, give them to her. Don't listen to her protests - if they prescribed them, she needs them. She'll thank you afterwards. Pain meds often cause stomach upset, so make sure she drinks milk/eats base-heavy foods (in terms of ph).

Here's some foods to avoid: https://trans4mind.com/nutrition/pH.html for whatever reason basic foods are tougher to google.

Every time I googled Basic food ph, acidic stuff popped up. So maybe stick to milks/cream soups, and if she hates that, make her take her painkillers with some milk.

ETA: I have no idea what province you're in but I seem to think you're from Quebec. We're from Ontario, but are funded by the Dutch government, as my MIL is a war vet.

Last edited by Plurabelle; 01 March 2018 at 08:59 PM.
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  #23  
Old 01 March 2018, 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Plurabelle View Post
doctors have been offering it via a pain med button that "might" just accidentally OD a patient who is suffering for as long as I've been an adult, probably longer - my father's oncologist certainly seemed like he had a lot of morphine ODs on his plate.
My aunt had been a nurse since the 70's and she said that "accidental" morphine overdoses for terminal patients has long been the case. According to her, morphine tolerance is so varied, that there is no dose that a medical professional "should have known" it would be fatal. Since so many terminal patients are in a great deal of pain and build up a tolerance, they could be prescribed a very large dose that would stop their pain. If that dose caused their death, no one made much of a fuss.
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  #24  
Old 02 March 2018, 01:51 PM
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Seaboe Muffinchucker Seaboe Muffinchucker is offline
 
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My father did not die of a morphine overdose, but he was heavily medicated--because dying from pneumonia is painful.

Seaboe
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  #25  
Old 02 March 2018, 02:48 PM
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My sympathies, overyonder.


Not much to say except my experience matches with that of others: when the appetite goes, it's usually not a very long time.

My grandfather was drinking a bottle of ensure a day, half for lunch, half for supper, when he caught the pneumonia that was recorded as his cause of death. Ensure is a meal replacement, you're supposed to drink one for every meal.
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  #26  
Old 02 March 2018, 08:42 PM
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It's can be really dismaying for a family member to see how little people at that stage eat. But IME (admittedly not a lot), the person who's at that stage isn't bothered by it.
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  #27  
Old 02 March 2018, 11:00 PM
overyonder overyonder is offline
 
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The palliative care place called me at 3:30a this morning. Mom had passed. I asked them if I needed to come in right there and then, and they said no.

I fell back asleep and awoke at around 7am (my usual time). My brother also got the call and also went back to sleep.

I explained to my aunt "She was already dead, she's not going to be MORE dead 4 hours later.".

Funeral is in 2 weeks.

OY
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  #28  
Old 02 March 2018, 11:11 PM
RichardM RichardM is offline
 
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My condolences.
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  #29  
Old 03 March 2018, 12:07 AM
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UEL UEL is offline
 
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My deepest sympathies to you, your family, and those closest to your Mom.
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  #30  
Old 03 March 2018, 12:07 AM
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I'm so sorry, OY.
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  #31  
Old 03 March 2018, 01:03 AM
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Lainie Lainie is offline
 
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My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
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  #32  
Old 03 March 2018, 01:11 AM
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So sorry for your loss, OY.
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  #33  
Old 03 March 2018, 01:44 AM
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overyonder, I'm very sorry for your loss.


-- If at some point, either now and/or weeks or months from now, you feel that your mind's not functioning right: this is a normal reaction.

Reactions vary drastically, of course. If that doesn't happen, it's also normal.

And, yes. Going back to sleep made sense. Trying to drive at three in the morning would have done nobody any good, and, if you'd fallen asleep on the road, might have done considerable harm.
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  #34  
Old 05 March 2018, 12:38 PM
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Sorry for your loss, OY
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  #35  
Old 05 March 2018, 02:13 PM
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Seaboe Muffinchucker Seaboe Muffinchucker is offline
 
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Sorry for your loss, and thankful it was an easy passing for your mother.

Seaboe
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  #36  
Old 05 March 2018, 03:13 PM
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Ali Infree Ali Infree is offline
 
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Sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is a difficult thing. I will chime in with others, going back to sleep is a good thing. It will be hard for the next couple of weeks, and I hope everyone in your life knows that. Take care of yourself.

Ali
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  #37  
Old 05 March 2018, 04:12 PM
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Condolences OY. I hope it's some consolation that she didn't suffer for too long.
Take care of yourself.
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  #38  
Old 06 March 2018, 01:19 PM
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DawnStorm DawnStorm is offline
 
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Condolences to you and yours.

Don't be surprised if you have dreams about your mom.
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