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  #21  
Old 07 March 2018, 10:43 PM
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Darth Credence Darth Credence is offline
 
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I'm not entirely sure why anyone would want an heirloom ring in the first place (but to be fair, I don't get engagement rings in general). The odds of the heirloom ring being to her actual taste seem to be fairly small. I know that people are advised to shop for a ring together, rather than one party simply picking a ring and giving it, because it is something the receiver will be wearing a lot. If the future bride doesn't have the exact tastes as the mother (or grandmother, or great-grandmother) then it seems like she would be forced to settle for a ring they didn't pick simply because it's an heirloom.

All that said, it is the bride's ring. If she wants it for no other reason than to throw it in her local approximation of Mount Doom, that would seem to be her choice. Try to buy it back, and give people the advice that if there is ever an heirloom ring, there needs to be a prenup saying that it goes back in the case of a divorce. Blame it on the people who are providing the ring if it would be a problem to bring up the prenup, or just accept that if you can't bring up a prenup, an heirloom ring is not the way to go.
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  #22  
Old 08 March 2018, 12:29 AM
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Richard W Richard W is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
My cousin wants it back ...
Another thing I just realised - this was a double gift, not even a single one. Your cousin gave it to her son, who gave it to his then-fiancée, now soon-to-be-ex-wife. Even if her son gets it back from his ex-wife, he still doesn't have to give it back to her.

I can understand that this is a manifestation of your cousin's upset about the failed marriage, rather than the ring. But if it really is about the ring rather than the marriage, then she should definitely think more carefully about what she does with items of sentimental value in future.
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  #23  
Old 08 March 2018, 01:07 AM
St. Alia St. Alia is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Errata View Post
What else are you going to do with a family engagement/wedding ring but use it for an engagement/wedding? Put it in a shrine? The mother probably wants to use it again in exactly the same way for some other relationship that will hopefully last longer.
Many people remove the gem(s) and have them put into other jewelry. It could be a new ring, a necklace, or even earrings or a brooch, depending on the number of gems, the sizes, etc...

Heirlooms-even to the people it matters to- doesn't necessarily mean that the attachment is to the exact format, but sometimes more to part of it or even just the idea of it.
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  #24  
Old 08 March 2018, 03:14 AM
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Beachlife! Beachlife! is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Credence View Post
...I know that people are advised to shop for a ring together, rather than one party simply picking a ring and giving it, because it is something the receiver will be wearing a lot....
I say screw that. If anyone I was about to be engaged to expected me to buy a
ring, but didn't trust me to pick it out, I'd take a hard pass. She's either too picky for me, or we're not ready to be married.
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  #25  
Old 08 March 2018, 04:13 AM
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Cervus Cervus is offline
 
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It's not so much trust as letting her choose what she likes, and what feels comfortable on her finger.

Or would you also plan to pick out her food and her clothes for her, too?
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  #26  
Old 08 March 2018, 04:51 AM
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erwins erwins is offline
 
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Choosing to make a decision together is not the same as not trusting one person to make the decision alone.
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  #27  
Old 08 March 2018, 02:05 PM
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For me it comes down to whether the guy is intending to propose - and make it the big traditional proposal - or whether the couple are already living together or have decided mutually that they want to get married. In the situation where they are already living together, even have kids together, I admit my age is showing when I wonder why they bother with an engagement at all - or with the ring. But it happens all the time in my little corner of the world.
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  #28  
Old 08 March 2018, 02:15 PM
Sooeygun Sooeygun is offline
 
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I've been married to Mr S coming up on 20 years and I still wouldn't trust him to pick out a statement type piece of jewelry like an engagement ring. In fact, he wouldn't trust himself to pick it out.

I don't have an engagement ring. I never really understood the need (or why should the guy be saddled with the cost).
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  #29  
Old 08 March 2018, 02:38 PM
Ellestar Ellestar is offline
 
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I'm a bit more appalled at your cousin asking for it back, tbqh.

Maybe she loves the ring: the setting, the gems, the style, and the feelings of being in love that she felt at the beginning of the engagement. Sure, the marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that the ring is forever tainted for her. It might even be the very opposite, the symbol of of what love can be before it fades.

I mean, she could be malicious. Or she could also be a woman who is devastated about having such a short-lived marriage and is clinging to the symbols of when times were better. And it was freely given (twice!). I can imagine it feeling like adding insult to injury to ask for the ring back during this hard time because the family no longer likes her and wants to keep a gift they gave in THEIR family.

I love my engagement ring. It is an antique, but not a family heirloom. I would have kept it even if it was.
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  #30  
Old 08 March 2018, 03:38 PM
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I should be clear here that the bride made it pretty clear she was keeping the ring out of spite. She didn't come right out and say "it's mine now, neener, neener, sucks to be you" but it was close. I do think with the benefit of hindsight that my cousin shouldn't have raised this as an issue. Or waited a little longer anyway before doing so.
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  #31  
Old 08 March 2018, 05:18 PM
Ellestar Ellestar is offline
 
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Well, that may be the perception related to you. But the source isn't unbiased.

Or, of course, it could be completely accurate. But I agree that the timing could have been better to make the request.

I read a book last year, What Alice Forgot, that had a very similar issue. Main character has a 10 year amnesia gap where she kind of wakes up and discovers she's now divorcing the man she, in her mind, just married. She now has three children she doesn't know and a whole lot of issues she's unprepared for. The husband is asking for an heirloom ring back that she never liked in the first place, and she can't think of why the "new Alice" wouldn't just give it back.

She later remembers that she didn't want to for a number of reasons. Resentment, for one, and that she thinks it should go to her daughter, not one of her nieces.
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  #32  
Old 08 March 2018, 05:22 PM
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Lainie Lainie is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard W View Post
But if it really is about the ring rather than the marriage, then she should definitely think more carefully about what she does with items of sentimental value in future.
I'm guessing he wasn't expecting to be divorced 6 months later. Unless he had second thoughts about the engagement/marriage, why would he have had concerns about giving her the ring?
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  #33  
Old 08 March 2018, 06:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellestar View Post

I read a book last year, What Alice Forgot, that had a very similar issue. Main character has a 10 year amnesia gap where she kind of wakes up and discovers she's now divorcing the man she, in her mind, just married.
Is the book as good as it sounds? If so I will have to add this to my library list!
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  #34  
Old 08 March 2018, 11:10 PM
Ellestar Ellestar is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
Is the book as good as it sounds? If so I will have to add this to my library list!
While the premise is hard to swallow, I did like it. It's by the same author as Big Little Lies.
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  #35  
Old 08 March 2018, 11:20 PM
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Little Pink Pill Little Pink Pill is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachlife! View Post
If anyone I was about to be engaged to expected me to buy a ring, but didn't trust me to pick it out, I'd take a hard pass. She's either too picky for me, or we're not ready to be married.
To be honest, you sound a little picky here yourself. I ended up needing a lower profile setting than my husband anticipated. The one he gave me kept catching on things. Thankfully he told me I could get whatever setting I wanted instead of taking a hard pass on what would become a successful 20 year (so far) marriage.
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  #36  
Old 08 March 2018, 11:36 PM
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GenYus234 GenYus234 is offline
 
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I wouldn't have a problem if my fiancée wanted to pick her engagement ring, just like I wouldn't have an issue if she wanted to pick out her next car.
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  #37  
Old 09 March 2018, 01:31 AM
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Beachlife! Beachlife! is offline
 
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I think its great if you want her to pick out a car which you will pay for.
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  #38  
Old 09 March 2018, 01:33 AM
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Richard W Richard W is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lainie View Post
I'm guessing he wasn't expecting to be divorced 6 months later. Unless he had second thoughts about the engagement/marriage, why would he have had concerns about giving her the ring?
I was talking about the cousin, not her son. It's reasonable enough for the son to give an engagement ring to the person he's getting engaged to.
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  #39  
Old 09 March 2018, 02:05 AM
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erwins erwins is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
For me it comes down to whether the guy is intending to propose - and make it the big traditional proposal - or whether the couple are already living together or have decided mutually that they want to get married. In the situation where they are already living together, even have kids together, I admit my age is showing when I wonder why they bother with an engagement at all - or with the ring. But it happens all the time in my little corner of the world.
I guess you covered a lot with "traditional" but there's a lot of room between "big traditional proposal" and already living together, so why bother. (And lots of people do bother, so yes, there are reasons.)

Nothing requires the asker to be the guy, or there to even be a guy, People can also talk about marriage and make decisions together about their future while still allowing for tradition and symbolism. Some people prioritize partnership.

Beachlife talks of someone expecting someone else to pay for a ring but not trusting him to pick it out. I wonder about a couple about to make a long-term commitment to each other without any discussion of a potentially very large purchase. I also wonder about someone "expecting" a ring at all, or at least one that would be a big deal to purchase. It's certainly interesting how differently people view these issues.
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  #40  
Old 09 March 2018, 02:37 AM
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Beachlife! Beachlife! is offline
 
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In case I wasn't clear, my issue is the combination of expecting your intended to pay for an expensive 'gift' that you don't trust them to pick out. Beginning a marriage with this sort of unilateral demand doesn't work for me. As with my comment on the car, if other people want to do that, good for them. It's not for me.

Personally, I don't know what the purpose of an engagement ring is anymore. Wedding rings still work for me, but I can't imagine spending too much time or money on them. This is again just how I would approach it if I married again. I don't fault other couples for wanting other things.
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