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Old 07 January 2017, 05:51 PM
Avril's Avatar
Avril Avril is offline
Join Date: 07 August 2002
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 10,547
Default The long lost friend...who stands you up. Twice.

Normally I wouldn't start a whole thread for this. But this has happened to me two times (or four, depending on how it is calculated) in the past several months and I am extremely irritated. I want to know if others have had this happen and what it might mean. I'm developing a mild paranoia that this is some sort of scam.

The scenario goes like this:

Long lost friend finds you on Facebook and sends you a message desperate to catch up. You agree to a time. You settle in and wait for the promised call, then are made to feel stupid when it doesn't come. You decide to take some control of a situation and send a message letting the friend know you aren't able to continue waiting and wish them the best.

The friend responds that she just messed up he schedule and asks for another time.

Then the friend stands you up, again, and doesn't explain. And you get mad again and feel dumb again, even though this is not rational.

Why would someone do this? I get if you're too...something to own up to not wanting to talk to someone, you might stand them up, but in this scenario, that would be me. I would be the person to do that. But why contact someone, desperately urge them to make an appointment, then just blow them off? Twice? In a row?

Why are my former friends so unpleasant? Before you ask, this isn't why they are former friends, necessarily; they were just people who moved away, or I did, or both, or something.

It makes me disinclined to accept overtures from anyone I used to know now.
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Old 07 January 2017, 06:49 PM
Cervus's Avatar
Cervus Cervus is offline
Join Date: 21 October 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 21,205

Social anxiety. I am guilty of it, and have done similar things to people, especially when I haven't seen them in years or if I'm meeting them in person for the first time. I'll say we should catch up, or I'll accept invitations, and then as the day approaches my anxiety will kick in and I have to make excuses, or sometimes I won't show up. I feel horrible and ashamed of it, because I've let people down and they probably think I'm an awful person. But social anxiety is one possible explanation.
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Old 07 January 2017, 06:52 PM
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Beachlife! Beachlife! is offline
Join Date: 22 June 2001
Location: Lansing, MI
Posts: 28,667

I have something similar with my old college room-mate. We made contact a couple years ago and he lives an hour or so away. We never made definite plans, but he will come out of the woodwork every year or so telling me he is going to be in town. I always tell him I'd love to see him, but nothing ever materializes.

In his case I wonder if he's just worried because we haven't seen each other since we were young and planning to conquer the world. I understand this because I have the same concern.
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Old 07 January 2017, 07:39 PM
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Sue Sue is offline
Join Date: 26 December 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 9,210

I have an old friend who's done that to me a few times. She will contact me saying she will be in my area and we really should get together. I always agree and leave it to her to set a place and a time since she's the one in transit (she lives in British Columbia now). So far in the past 10 years she's done this to me 3 times and despite making "firm" (hah) plans we've yet to meet up. I really don't know at this point what I'll do if she contacts me again to suggest meeting up. I would like to see her but I'm going to assume that she is feeling some obligation to touch base with me but anything at all coming up in the meantime is taking precedence over actually following through and meeting me. Her loss .
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Old 08 January 2017, 08:56 AM
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Die Capacitrix Die Capacitrix is offline
Join Date: 03 January 2005
Location: Kanton Luzern, Switzerland
Posts: 3,353

Originally Posted by Sue View Post
I would like to see her but I'm going to assume that she is feeling some obligation to touch base with me but anything at all coming up in the meantime is taking precedence over actually following through and meeting me.
It seems she's set her priorities. And the more time passes between visits/contact, the more difficult it is to recover the relationship.

Our previous visit to the U.S. we didn't manage to meet with one of our friends, despite all of us trying to wrangle our schedules. This visit, we made her a priority, and had alternate plans, in case the first ones didn't work out. It's difficult when visits are so infrequent, but that's the reason we (husband and I) make sure we plan our visits to the U.S. so carefully, to make sure we see the people we want to see.
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Old 09 January 2017, 02:16 PM
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Seaboe Muffinchucker Seaboe Muffinchucker is offline
Join Date: 30 June 2005
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 19,030

I often think I should stop and see certain friends when I visit my old home town, but I do not make arrangements in advance because experience has told me that I will run out of time for the things I went there to do, let alone contact friends.

If your friends are bad with time management, they may well overbook themselves. I like Sue and Beach's approach: say yes, I'd love to see you and wait for the next move. If it's another phone call, keep a secondary activity on your schedule in case they flake out again.

I wouldn't cut them off entirely, but that's just me.

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