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  #21  
Old 07 October 2010, 01:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by catty5nutz View Post
Let's see

Hanging, drawing and quartering

Burning at the stake, espcially if the wood was wet or green.

Impaling [a speciality of Vlad Tepes]

A certain dictator alleged to have a fondness for piano wire [oblique godwinizing here!]

Being crucified upside down

I'd say that these are up there.
I don't know, I think that one method I heard that the Inquisition used was even nastier than the above (aside from the burning with green wood)- place an upside-down pot of rats on the victim's stomach and then apply hot coals to the pot- the rats would then try to escape from the heat...

Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfall View Post
Weren't there multiple methods of crucifixion?
I recall reading somewhere that they'd sometimes use X shaped crosses instead of t shaped ones, though I don't know if that's true.
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  #22  
Old 07 October 2010, 01:56 AM
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There is some historical argument about crucifixion The terms usually translated from Ancient Greek and Roman Latin into the modern "crucify" actually might have applied to several methods of public execution in which the condemned was tied to, hung from, or even impaled on a stake, cross, or post.

The basic types were I stakes, X crosses, t crosses, and T crosses. It's possible that stakes or impalement posts might also full under the term.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dispute...ecution_method
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  #23  
Old 07 October 2010, 05:26 AM
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Was I the only one who, after reading the title, was expecting a glurge about how evolution theory and other sciences are killing baby Jesus?

Don Enrico
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  #24  
Old 07 October 2010, 06:10 AM
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Well, I was kinda hoping for something like that...
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  #25  
Old 07 October 2010, 08:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfall View Post
He had three nails hammered into His members;
New respect for Jesus...
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  #26  
Old 07 October 2010, 09:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Friends of Alfred View Post
Quote:
Let's see if Satan can stop this...
Eh?
It's very typical in glurges to have threats, encouragements, or both, to get the serial forwarded to forward the email. In this case, the author is implying that Satan's goals will be hindered by clicking forward.
Brian
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  #27  
Old 07 October 2010, 09:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyrano View Post

Quote:
The lance... is mentioned only in the Gospel of John (19:31–37) and not in any of the Synoptic Gospels. The gospel states that the Romans planned to break Jesus' legs, a practice known as crurifragium, which was a method of hastening death during a crucifixion. Just before they did so, they realized that Jesus was already dead and that there was no reason to break his legs. To make sure that he was dead, a Roman soldier (named in extra-Biblical tradition as Longinus) stabbed him in the side.
'… but one of the soldiers pierced his side with a lance, and immediately there came out blood and water.' John 19:34

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Lance

As for the water, I'm no doctor but I guess it had gathered in the lungs... if the whole thing happened at all, of course. BTW, you're usually dead long before "you have no more blood to bleed out".
This is correct according to what I was taught. His dying before they broke his legs was to fulfill scripture. Psalm 34:20 and/or Exodus 12:46. This is stated in John, so if one is basing something (like a glurge) on the assumption that the Bible account is true, they ought to at least read it first.

A preacher at a church I used to go to said that after death, something happened concerning body fluids separating and so the blood and water coming out separately would prove he had already died. He might even have something about water accumulating around the lungs, possibly, I can't remember too well (it was over 20 years ago) but he most definitely never did say - nor did any other preacher I've heard - that Jesus was bleeding water. ~or maybe it was something like lymph fluid separating from the blood - seems I remember something about that -

Awful specimen of glurge. Hey, is there a glurge rating system, sort of a rubric where we give points for things like medical inaccuracy, historical inaccuracy, illogic, percentage of text in funky fonts and colors, and bonus points for not even understanding their own damn religion???
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  #28  
Old 07 October 2010, 10:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brad from Georgia View Post
Punchline of the worst joke I ever heard: "Hey, buddy, mind crossing your legs? We lost one of the nails."
That's only slightly worse/better than...

Quote:
Jesus went in to a hotel, threw some nails on the counter, and said, "Can you put me up for Easter".
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  #29  
Old 07 October 2010, 11:35 AM
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No the worst one is this one:

Why do the ladies love Jesus?

Because he's hung like this. *Spread your arms side*
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  #30  
Old 07 October 2010, 01:46 PM
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From Joe's link:

Quote:
Of the above-mentioned forms, certain writers accept for the gibbet on which Jesus died only the meaning "a pale, a strong stake, a wooden post."[9] Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus Christ was executed on a stake (a crux simplex) and do not use the cross in their worship.
To clarify, they also don't use the stake in their worship, for reasons that have nothing to do with the dispute over the shape of the instrument on which Jesus was crucified.
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  #31  
Old 12 October 2010, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
The beating so horrific that His face was torn and his beard ripped from His face.
What Gospel did this bit of weirdness come from?!
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  #32  
Old 12 October 2010, 03:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrishDaDish View Post
What Gospel did this bit of weirdness come from?!
The Gospel According to Wes (Craven).
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  #33  
Old 12 October 2010, 04:12 PM
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The worst crucifiction joke is:

*sing* If you're Jesus and you know it, clap your hands!
*put your arms out to the side and flap your hands, trying to clap*
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  #34  
Old 13 October 2010, 03:57 AM
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I don't know, the one that goes like this seems worse:

Q: Why was Jesus popular with the ladies?
A: (hold arms out in imitation of crucifixion) Because he was hung like this.
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  #35  
Old 13 October 2010, 03:53 PM
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More crucifixion jokes:

Question: What's this? (hold out your arms)
Answer: A crappy way to spend Easter

Question: What's this? (bite at your wrists)
Answer: Jesus Christ biting his nails
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  #36  
Old 14 October 2010, 06:44 AM
Assilem Brandywine Assilem Brandywine is offline
 
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Jesus walks into a motel lobby. He puts three nails on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

How much does Jesus love you? Thiiiiiiiiiiiis much! (Spread out arms wide)
(OK, that was more glurgy than funny)

How do you make a Roman cross? Tell him Italy didn't win the World Cup.
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  #37  
Old 14 October 2010, 10:31 AM
Jaime Vargas Jaime Vargas is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfall View Post
If I remember the Biblical account correctly, Jesus was still alive after 9 hours. I believe there is a verse that says "In the ninth hour, Jesus said 'I thirst'". That's when the soldiers gave Jesus vinegar to drink instead of water.
That's the ninth hour of the day (i.e. 9 hours since dawn), not the ninth hour of punishment. IIRC, the Bible states more or less that he was crucified in the sixth hour and expired on the ninth hour.
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  #38  
Old 14 October 2010, 10:33 AM
Jaime Vargas Jaime Vargas is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Friends of Alfred View Post
Eh?
Daring Satan. That sounds like trying to win Satan at his own game. Yeah, I know where I'd place my bets.
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  #39  
Old 14 October 2010, 10:37 AM
Jaime Vargas Jaime Vargas is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crocoduck_hunter View Post
I don't know, I think that one method I heard that the Inquisition used was even nastier than the above (aside from the burning with green wood)- place an upside-down pot of rats on the victim's stomach and then apply hot coals to the pot- the rats would then try to escape from the heat...
That sounds like something dreamed up by some anti-Inquisition or even anti-Catholic torture porn writer. When you have already perfectly sensible torture implements would you take the trouble to go hunt rats?

ETA: Besides, might the burning with green wood actually be thought as merciful? It gives you the opportunity of dying from asphyxiation or CO poisoning, which, although not nice, I think is better than dying by burning alive from the outside in.

Last edited by Jaime Vargas; 14 October 2010 at 10:43 AM.
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  #40  
Old 14 October 2010, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaime Vargas View Post
That sounds like something dreamed up by some anti-Inquisition or even anti-Catholic torture porn writer.
Actually, it sounds very much like a UL.

ETA - Anyway, the story's been around for quite a while but it wasn't associated with the inquisition. Usually it was told about China. Probably a crock of manure.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_torture
ETA2 = And, yes, Jaime, it has apparently reared its ugly rat head in erotic stories. (Shudder. The things people find amusing!)

Last edited by ganzfeld; 14 October 2010 at 11:02 AM.
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