![]() |
#1
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Because of its reputation, I recently read the book The Five Love Languages.
I was disappointed with the author's nonscientific approach to psychology and, especially, his weird personal story at the end of the book about him encouraging a woman to have sex she didn't want with a partner who said he hated her (hoping that 'speaking his love language' in this way would make him love her). The book boils down to "Find out what makes your partner happy and do that." This is good advice and there are some relevant insights in the book. But it's entirely based on the author's own experiences and there are only one or two citations, one of which is to a Bible verse. I looked up Gary Chapman, the author, and found that he also makes appearances on Focus On The Family, a politically active Christian fundamentalist media organization founded by James Dobson. This was also disappointing. From what I've heard, "The Five Love Languages" seems like the most popular book of romantic advice for couples out there. Is there a different book covering the same topic that's references peer-reviewed psychological research? It seems like there's got to be something else out there more deserving of the top spot. |
#2
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Based on the anecdote of the author telling someone that they need to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with, I have to say that you could probably choose any other relationship book at random and be almost guaranteed that it would be better.
|
#3
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Sure, it's easy to be better than bad, but I'm hoping for something really good.
|
#4
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
I've yet to see a self-help/relationship book backed up by solid evidence. They seem to be a mishmash of gender and sitcom stereotypes with a few commonsense pearls of wisdom thrown in, each bit of fact or fiction given a kitchy name--which I don't necessarily object to. As you say, the basic idea that different people are made happy by different things, and the advice to find what makes your partner happy and do that, is solid, and if it helps people to think of, say, fulfilling their partner's desire for physical intimacy in terms of "speaking their love language" instead of "f*cking them so they stop complaining," then that's a good thing. I haven't read the book myself, but I kind of like the idea of putting your partner's needs, and your own, in such terms. We tend to be critical of the ways in which others show affection or wish affection to be shown to them (want sex? You're just using me for my body! Want gifts? You're greedy and materialistic! Want me to listen while you talk about your problems? You just want to wallow in self-pity instead of doing something about it!) and unconsciously regard our preferred means of showing affection as more indicative of true love (I'm not selfish or juvenile for wanting you to hang out and play video games with me; I'm just looking for some quality time together!) So I like the idea of calling all those things "love languages" and imagining people as an international mix bridging cultural gaps by learning to speak so the other will understand.
But yeah, that anecdote, at least as you characterized it, sounds pretty gross. |
#5
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
God, this book. Sure, it starts out sounding like a good idea, but it's very heteronormative and gender reductive without even getting into the "I bet your husband would like you more if you put out!" suggestion. It's all "Women like cuddles! Men like sex!" while using love tank metaphors and being confusingly written. One of my favorite podcasts did a hilarious review that points out a lot of its issues, which you can find here: http://read-weep.com/#!/episode.php/...love-languages
I don't know that there are a lot of good, research-based couples therapy books out there because the don't really sell. I've learned most of my couples therapy knowledge from trainings, and like most things in therapy the techniques contained within they are tailored to specific populations. Let me dig around in my note piles and see if I can come up with some names of good styles/researchers. |
#6
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Thanks for the podcast link! I look forward to hearing about what you find in your notes.
|
#7
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
The most research based couples advice out there I think are the books by John Gottman.
|
#8
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
This stuff looks excellent. Thank you!
|
#9
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Any time! Read it and Weep won me over with their 4 part review of Atlas Shrugged, so basically I love them to pieces.
And my notes are in fact on Gottman! He also works with his wife, Julie Schwartz, on a lot of things, and I find her more engaging than him especially in the longer trainings. He's smart, but he drones sometimes. In writing they're pretty equal. |
#10
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Even he tends to oversell, though, I think.
Quote:
Quote:
|
#11
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
Given what's been subsequently revealed about Bill Cosby...let's just say I want to know if he writes a retraction and leave it at that.
![]() |
#12
|
||||
|
||||
![]()
He does oversell, I think in part because he's so focused on keeping couples together as the indicator that his methods are "working." If better communication results in a couple deciding that they have reached an impasse and that they will both be happier apart, then the therapy is still a success in my mind. A relationship that doesn't work out in a less negative, less hurtful way where everyone learns and goes forward as better communicators is still a net good.
His view of abusive relationships is harmful bull. I've never been to a training that said anything but "abuse is wrong and is not about the abuser being 'misunderstood'" so I didn't know about that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. |
![]() |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
![]() |
||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Jack Chick Tract "And it was Good" | Mouse | Social Studies | 38 | 17 August 2015 06:08 PM |
"Password" unseated by "123456" on SplashData's annual "Worst Passwords" list | snopes | Techno-Babble | 32 | 04 February 2014 01:42 AM |
"Love Story": an American classic | snopes | College | 19 | 19 December 2010 06:33 AM |
DJ holds L.A. hostage with "Puppy Love" | snopes | Entertainment | 19 | 21 October 2008 02:09 PM |
"Love baby" tomb | snopes | Horrors | 6 | 26 May 2007 06:37 AM |