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Old 27 December 2013, 05:50 PM
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Avril Avril is offline
 
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Default Ask God

Sort of anti-glurge, but I still find it glurgy. I changed the formatting slightly to make it easier to read than one big lump, but I didn't change anything else.

Quote:
AND NOW the answers to ASK GOD:

1. HUMAN: If Mary was impregnated by God without her consent first, why didnít her body naturally abort it?
GOD: What? Mary consented. Angels came down to Earth and talked to her about it several times. She also signed a legal waiver signing away her rights in perpetuity. It was all totally legitimate.

2. HUMAN: Why is it that, more often than not, I can find nicer atheists than I can Christians?
GOD: Being a nice person because it makes you happy leads to actual niceness. Being a nice person because a book told you to leads to fake niceness.

3. HUMAN: When there are only one set of footprints in the sand are you really carrying me or are you off getting a taco or something?
GOD: Me? Iím always off getting a taco or something; youíre thinking of Jesus. Jesus is the weirdo who carries people around. So if youíve been having a hard time in life and fall back into alcoholism, Jesus picks you up and carries you. That JesusÖsuch an enabler.

4. HUMAN: I'm hyper self-critical. Should I still treat my neighbor as I treat myself?
GOD: Yes, of course! Thatís how the Golden Rule works. You have no choice but to mercilessly criticize your neighbor as much as you do yourself. Make sure to ridicule his love handles, heís extremely sensitive about that.

5. HUMAN: Are dogs really angels sent to teach us unconditional love and compassion?
GOD: Yes, dogs are merely angels that lick their own genitals and crap on your floor. In the process, you get to know what love is. They get to show you. Youíre welcome!

6. HUMAN: How do we change the world so that people will care more about human trafficking, child brides/labor, rape, than what some celebrity said?
GOD: Step 1: Earn a huge fortune of billions of dollars. Step 2: Buy or start a huge cable news network. Step 3: Make your news shows cover important topics and not stupid celebrity bullshit.

7. HUMAN: Why does Jesus turn water into wine when Vodka is so much better?
GOD: Because Jesus isnít a raging alcoholic. Jesus converts water into only the finest of wines because Jesus is a ****ing classy bitch.
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  #2  
Old 27 December 2013, 06:01 PM
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8. HUMAN: Why do teeth have nerves?
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  #3  
Old 29 December 2013, 06:38 PM
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GOD: To keep dentists in business! Besides a Mercedes S-Class doesn't pay for itself.

Next question!
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  #4  
Old 29 December 2013, 08:50 PM
Panda Rosa Panda Rosa is offline
 
 
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HUMAN: What really happens to all those socks that disappear from the dryer?
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  #5  
Old 29 December 2013, 09:20 PM
TheNonchalantRage TheNonchalantRage is offline
 
 
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It has an. air of trying too hard, but. at least the overall message isn't bad.
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Old 30 December 2013, 03:24 PM
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9: Can you create a question so difficult that you cannot answer it?
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Old 30 December 2013, 03:45 PM
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No.

Next!
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  #8  
Old 31 December 2013, 08:08 AM
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I see there is no answer to Panda Rosa's question on the socks. Obovously not even God knows where those socks go.

"not even God knows where the socks go" (singing)
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Old 03 January 2014, 05:53 PM
Tom o' Bedlam Tom o' Bedlam is offline
 
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Quote:
1. HUMAN: If Mary was impregnated by God without her consent first, why didn’t her body naturally abort it?
GOD: What? Mary consented. Angels came down to Earth and talked to her about it several times. She also signed a legal waiver signing away her rights in perpetuity. It was all totally legitimate.
HUMAN: Yeah, but did she consent because she really wanted to, or because she thought she had to? What with you being God and all?
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Old 03 January 2014, 06:01 PM
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GOD: She totally thought it was cool.

Luke 1:38: And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.

GOD: See?
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  #11  
Old 31 May 2014, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Panda Rosa View Post
HUMAN: What really happens to all those socks that disappear from the dryer?
They become extra coat hangers in your closet. Usually the wire ones.
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  #12  
Old 31 May 2014, 11:22 PM
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My wire hangers evolved into plastic. Top that, creationists!
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