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  #361  
Old 31 July 2015, 02:50 PM
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Joan Collins (or some older movie star like her) is a b*tch. I was interviewing her, and I thought things were going well. She was charming, I was asking intelligent questions, and I came to the end of the interview. I asked "Tomato soup or chicken noodle?" She answered, "Tomato."

I replied, "Me too!", confirming we had something in common.

Then she excused herself, I started to gather my stuff together to leave, and suddenly she came storming back. She grabbed my cell phone from me and started tearing it apart so I couldn't give the interview to Hollywood, since I was in "cahoots" with them. I told her I hadn't recorded it, that it was in my head.

Then I woke up.
  #362  
Old 01 August 2015, 07:15 PM
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My auntie came up to me and hugged me, but she didn't look like my aunt in any way, shape, or form, and that particular aunt has been dead for 16 years.

Then I went to work, sitting on a bed rather than a desk. I thought someone was going to yell at me so I decided to hit him if he did. Then I woke up and still thought someone was going to yell at me, though I doubt I will hit anyone in real life.
  #363  
Old 01 August 2015, 09:31 PM
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I'm apparently now homeless, and am trying to break into an abandoned house in a run down neighborhood for a place to stay. Later I chase down an elected official who's walking around the neighborhood canvassing for votes to ask him for help. He just gives me a form to fill out.
  #364  
Old 02 August 2015, 03:09 PM
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I'm terrible at prostitution.

I was in a married man's hotel room and told him my rate was $500 an hour. That was way too high for him, and he didn't want me for that long anyway. I said "Okay, $250 for half an hour." He offered me $40 for one particular act, then changed his mind and offered me $35 for a slightly less intimate act. Before I could respond, he left to take a phone call from his wife. While he was gone I fell asleep naked on the bed. I wasn't drugged; I was just tired. When I woke up, he was finishing the phone call and he looked pretty disgusted with me. He decided he didn't want to bother with me after all, because I wouldn't even be able to stay awake and interested. I tried pretty pathetically to convince him that yeah, I can stay awake, I can do this, I'm OK. But nothing wound up happening, so I didn't even get the $35.
  #365  
Old 03 August 2015, 02:21 PM
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If you ever find yourself in a conference room with a rapidly-approaching pack of zombies between you and the door, you can buy yourself some time by climbing up on a (very high) platform in the corner of the room. Apparently zombies can't climb, and aren't smart enough to think of pushing the platform over in order to reach their intended prey.
  #366  
Old 03 August 2015, 07:27 PM
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I've learned my dreams are very good at imitation. My dreams conjured up a nonsensical documentary in which I in no way participated, but was otherwise complete with interviewed experts and actor recreations, and set in both a future and past timeline.

The one thing I remember most about it is that, for some reason, cognac was a scarce commodity and it seemed in great demand. One of the characters was asked why, and she replied, "Cognac? I don't know. As far as I know, only dead people drank it."*

~Psihala
(*An oddly worded way of saying, "It was a drink from a long ago time, and not many people drink it anymore.")
  #367  
Old 03 August 2015, 07:38 PM
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My mother has two sisters; a twin sister, and a younger sister named Ann, who also looks a lot like her. I have trouble telling them apart.

Thanks.

Bill
  #368  
Old 03 August 2015, 07:42 PM
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I went to the police department to take some kind of written exam to be a police officer.

Except that I don't really want to be a police officer. I'm hoping that I can get some other kind of job with the police department.

And, after the exam, the other applicants and I are treated to dinner, so they can evaluate our "social graces."

Thanks.

Bill
  #369  
Old 03 August 2015, 11:05 PM
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I have won a prize in a lottery. The amount is too big for the automatic reader to give me the amount, so it tells me to "See Cashier". Unfortunately, for some reason, the cashier cannot tell me the amount either.
  #370  
Old 04 August 2015, 04:48 PM
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I was at a typical American diner for breakfast. I thought I would just sit by myself at the counter rather than waiting for a table to open up, except I realized they have only one stool. Not one unoccupied stool, mind you, just one physical stool. By no matter, because I ran into a couple of friends who were having breakfast with Donald Trump, so I just joined them. Trump was surprisingly polite and helpful in real life compared to how he comes across on television, and directed me to where he got his omelette (apparently the omelettes at this diner are served cafeteria style, and you have to get a tray and go to the omelette station to order one).
  #371  
Old 05 August 2015, 05:03 PM
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Don't dream you are drinking. When you wake up, it may be a while before you notice you aren't actually drunk.
  #372  
Old 08 August 2015, 06:04 PM
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Back in 1968 one of my relatives ordered a pair of orange and brown Hawaiian print swim trunks through mail order, but for some reason never wore them. In the present day I found the vintage swim trunks in the bottom of one of my dresser drawers, still in like new condition and still in the box the store shipped them in. I can't decide whether I should wear them myself or sell them on eBay as an article of vintage clothing.
  #373  
Old 10 August 2015, 06:58 PM
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The next door neighbor's son, his older cousin, and their friend are sneaking in through a secret door in the side wall of our house to play cards in our walk-in closet. Had a folding table set up in there and everything...

(Note that in waking life I haven't met these neighbors, and I'm pretty sure they don't have any kids.)
  #374  
Old 10 August 2015, 08:45 PM
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I learned that John Stamos is apparently Jewish.

Seems that I was checking out of a hotel room but before I could gather up all of my things, John and a very large contingent of fellow Jewish people showed up for some sort of religious retreat. The room was packed with people and he made me some sort of sandwich that I saw him make but then it suddenly disappeared. He asked me how I liked the sandwich so I was confused and wondered if I ate it but somehow forgot that I did immediately afterwards. Finally I found the pair of flip flops and the suitcase I was looking for and got locked out of the room but I wanted back in because they seemed to be having such a good time, plus I think I wanted another sandwich made by John Stamos.
  #375  
Old 10 August 2015, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hapax Legomena View Post
I learned that John Stamos is apparently Jewish.

Seems that I was checking out of a hotel room but before I could gather up all of my things, John and a very large contingent of fellow Jewish people showed up for some sort of religious retreat. The room was packed with people and he made me some sort of sandwich that I saw him make but then it suddenly disappeared. He asked me how I liked the sandwich so I was confused and wondered if I ate it but somehow forgot that I did immediately afterwards. Finally I found the pair of flip flops and the suitcase I was looking for and got locked out of the room but I wanted back in because they seemed to be having such a good time, plus I think I wanted another sandwich made by John Stamos.
And in the morning, your pillow was missing?
  #376  
Old 10 August 2015, 11:12 PM
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Shifty Eyes

No, but one of my cats was... Okay, not really.
  #377  
Old 17 August 2015, 02:25 PM
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I went on a trip to Orlando with a bunch of other members of my extended family.

I had a lousy time. We had lousy homemade food that we packed and brought with us. And my relatives didn't want to see the major attractions or do anything but sleep late and sit around and look at the ocean (Orlando has somehow become close to the ocean).

Thanks.

Bill
  #378  
Old 17 August 2015, 08:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill View Post
I went on a trip to Orlando with a bunch of other members of my extended family.

I had a lousy time. We had lousy homemade food that we packed and brought with us. And my relatives didn't want to see the major attractions or do anything but sleep late and sit around and look at the ocean (Orlando has somehow become close to the ocean).

Thanks.

Bill
It's that danged global warming, no doubt!
  #379  
Old 20 August 2015, 03:15 AM
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Some men in black are looking quite sinister as they bury people in asphalt and comment on the connection between UFO's and Judaism. I point out that UFO's are a Protestant phenomenon rather than a Jewish one. Protestants are the ones that see them and anyway I've seen a woodcut of Martin Luther with alien spaceships buzzing around his head.

Then I turn into the monk Tetzel. I am trying to sell indulgences to meth addled punk rockers and needless to say I don't have much luck even when I tell them the indulgence is their stairway to Heaven. They aren't keen on going to Heaven but finally someone gives me five dollars to get me to go away.
  #380  
Old 20 August 2015, 07:30 PM
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Whenever I drink milk after about eight p.m., along in the wee hours I dream that I urgently need to, well, wee, and that I cannot find the men's room. So far I've awakened in time to go wee wee wee in my own bathroom....

No more bedtime milk and cookies for me!
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