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  #1  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:31 PM
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Rebochan Rebochan is offline
 
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Default 10 Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House

Not MY house. And frankly, someone THIS unpleasant probably doesn't have company often Yet I saw it circulating through my facebook network today so...

‎10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that; who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your damn teeth so you won't be able to eat anything.
2. If you can't walk, or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn peanuts and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses down to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not going to tear up my damn house this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Brown to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses.
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your thirteen year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save the talk for someone that gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year.
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER. There will be a kid parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call ACS on your ignorant ass!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat your dinner then take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 PM. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least; ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner. You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine. So Visa and Mastercard are now being accepted.
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  #2  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:37 PM
Gayle Gayle is offline
 
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Wow. That sounds worse than the Thanksgiving letter.
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  #3  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:48 PM
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videoguy videoguy is offline
 
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Quote:
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that; who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your damn teeth so you won't be able to eat anything.
Potato salad and macaroni and cheese for Thanksgiving? Am I allowed to ask that question?
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  #4  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:51 PM
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Is this letter supposed to be a parody of something? It's just so unpleasant and there's no humour in it at all.
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  #5  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:54 PM
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Roadie Roadie is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rebochan View Post
1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that; who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your damn teeth so you won't be able to eat anything.
I was groovin' with this on #1 because I used to work with a guy who did this. He was always the first in line at a potluck, and then refused to move to the next dish unless his questions were answered and he'd had a chance to comment on the dish. STFU and get at the end of the line!

However, I must admit that I didn't finish the list, because...who the hell would want to go to this person's house? Let's all be thankful for the lack of an invitation.
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  #6  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:56 PM
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rockland6674 rockland6674 is offline
 
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Dear Host/Hostess,

Thank you for your kind and gracious () invitation, but I think I'd rather gargle with Drano.

Sincerely,
Rockland
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  #7  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:57 PM
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RobDBlackwolf RobDBlackwolf is offline
 
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Potato salad is a standard side dish at our family thanksgivings.
Usually its turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, beans, potato salad (and/or macaroni salad) and waldorf salad.
Thankfully we don't have such gracious hosts.
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  #8  
Old 21 November 2012, 08:59 PM
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Chloe Chloe is offline
 
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We had a thread a while ago about macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving as "a black thing," but it's gone now.
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  #9  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:06 PM
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tagurit tagurit is offline
 
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Seems like a made up list to me, though I can't come up with a motive.
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  #10  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:10 PM
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erwins erwins is offline
 
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It struck me the same way tagurit. It seems a bit over the top, I guess. Even compared with the bridezilla and thanksgiving letter examples that I can believe are real.
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  #11  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:11 PM
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It's just my husband and I for thanksgiving and even though we're only having three or four sides, one of them is macaroni and cheese (with little ham cubes). It's my husband's one request other than the turkey. It wasn't traditional for either of us, but it has snuck in as a tradition for us as a couple.
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  #12  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:13 PM
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Mickey Blue Mickey Blue is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chloe View Post
We had a thread a while ago about macaroni and cheese at Thanksgiving as "a black thing," but it's gone now.
I've always seen it more of a Southern thing than a black thing, though I have no idea I'll be honest. I know macaroni and cheese has a regular place at our thanksgiving dinner.
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  #13  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:16 PM
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Macaroni and cheese just seems weird to me but then I guess some of our holiday traditions would be weird to others. Two of the staples at our thanksgiving dinner are tourtiere and yorkshire pudding. That with the potatoes and the rolls means a lot of starch .
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  #14  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:24 PM
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Zorro Zorro is offline
 
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I started making Mac and cheese for Thanksgiving several years ago. We have a few kids in the family, including my son, who have food issues, and Mac and cheese is a guaranteed win for all of them.
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  #15  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:28 PM
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Mickey Blue Mickey Blue is offline
 
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Actually now that I think about it my dad is Italian (immigrated here when he was a teenager) and it was pretty typical to have pasta at Thanksgiving when I was a kid, then I picked up Mac and Cheese while I was living in the south (it's worth nothing that there is a world of difference between what we make and the stuff that comes in the blue box).

I'm not big on a lot of Thanksgiving fare, turkey I'm very picky about (or, as I prefer to think of it, most people suck at cooking turkeys), I don't like potatoes or corn and don't really like sweets.

We typically have some squash, some veggies, mac and cheese, turkey of course (made properly) and stuffing.

My wife was diagnosed with gluten sensitivity so we have to modulate to a degree but most of that is easy enough to do.
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  #16  
Old 21 November 2012, 09:52 PM
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Dropbear Dropbear is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
Two of the staples at our thanksgiving dinner are tourtiere and yorkshire pudding.
Intially read that as tortoise and yorkshire pudding.

At least it would come in it's own bowl.

Dropbear
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  #17  
Old 21 November 2012, 10:43 PM
Aud 1 Aud 1 is offline
 
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I'd skip that dinner too. There are reasons I ask about eggs. You really don't want to see my kid after eating egg. If you are really curious I took pictures at the controlled exposure at the allergists office.
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  #18  
Old 21 November 2012, 11:25 PM
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It seems like someone trying to parody their perceived additude of someone else.
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  #19  
Old 21 November 2012, 11:29 PM
LizardWizard LizardWizard is offline
 
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Um, yeah... I can't tell you how many Thanksgiving dinners have been ruined by some damn amputee or paraplegic trying to serve himself. Who of us hasn't wanted to tell them all to sit down and act helpless? That's what makes this thing so... hilarious. Yeah, that's the word. Hilarious.
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  #20  
Old 21 November 2012, 11:37 PM
Stephra Stephra is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by videoguy View Post
Potato salad and macaroni and cheese for Thanksgiving? Am I allowed to ask that question?
I'm picturing the kind of holidays my family has - enormous pot luck style spreads. In recent years, we usually have about 50 or so in attendance, so you get a turkey, potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, green beans, and gravy provided by my grandma (the matriarch).

Everybody else brings stuff too, baked ham, mac and cheese, potato and pasta salad usually, baked bean casserole, and a couple platters of deviled eggs usually show up too. Sometimes we even end up with cocktail shrimp, crab dip, cold-cut platters, you name it. And we're not even going into the desserts...
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