First world problems

[Richard W]

Originally Posted by Hans Off

There is bird poo on my new sports car. :-(

Couldn't you get one of your staff to remove it, or do they all have the day off?

[GenYus234]

How about the cafeteria badgers? They're not doing anything.

[thorny locust]

Esprise Me, -- warning, long post; containing advice that may be worth exactly what you paid for it.


When I first started reading your most recent post I thought you might be having a difficulty between a person who doesn't care where he lives and one who does. There do seem to be people who just don't care at all where they're living, and many of them seem to have massive difficulty understanding people to whom it does make a difference, or even understanding that there are people to whom it makes a difference and that such differences can have an extremely large effect on well-being.

But having read the whole thing, it's starting to sound like an even larger problem: a case of 'if it matters to me it matters. If it matters to you, it doesn't matter.'

I broke up with somebody over that, years ago. I'm glad I did. But it's also true that I wound up single. (Any relationship advice I give needs to be considered with that in mind.) Personally, I'd rather be single. Your mileage (as well as your results) may vary. But -- if what matters to you doesn't matter to him in this case: I strongly suspect that it won't matter in any other case that comes up during the marriage, either; at least, unless you can find some way to blast into his head that it needs to, and why it needs to. Whether that's possible I have no idea.

-- it occurs to me that it might not be an issue of 'I want to live only in a place that meets x standards and don't care whether it meets your standards', but a case of all the specific excuses being not actually a matter of 'I only want to live in a place that's x' but instead a matter of 'I don't understand why it matters where we are and I don't want to spend extra rent money so I'm going to keep trying to block the move by any means possible'. But if that's what's going on, then you have both the problem I thought it was at first (he doesn't care where he lives and doesn't understand that this matters to many other people), but also a massive deception problem; which is not IMO an improvement even if it's only this issue it's come up with (so far).

-- yet another thing I can think of is that maybe he actually hates entertaining friends. But again I think if it's that he should say so.

[GenYus234]

Agree with the "if it matters to me it matters. If it matters to you, it doesn't matter." being a big issue, but I think the other issue is that Mr Esprise Me doesn't want to move at all. It might be a fear of change thing or it might be some issue about giving up his bachelor pad, or something else, but I get the feeling that nothing would be good enough.

Esprise Me, when you say you ruled out Chinatown and Union Station area, were those specific apartments that he'd picked out that you didn't want or were those general rejections of areas?

[Lainie]

My car won't be fixed until Monday. I was hoping to get it today or tomorrow and be able to go somewhere this weekend.

[Hans Off]

Originally Posted by Richard W

Couldn't you get one of your staff to remove it, or do they all have the day off?

They are nowhere to be seen. Vastly infuriating. The rain has washed some off but I might have to get my cloth!

[Seaboe Muffinchucker]

Originally Posted by Lainie

My car won't be fixed until Monday.

My truck is supposed to be ready for pick up this afternoon. I'm going to check that it's actually ready before I turn in the rental car.

Seaboe

[Lainie]

I would recommend that. I'm glad I didn't reserve that airbnb I was looking at for Saturday night.

[Esprise Me]

Thanks for the responses. GenYus, I should have put a "therefore" in that sentence; I meant that, because of his desire for proximity to a grocery store, I gave up on the apartments I'd found in those neighborhoods and stopped looking nearby. I was still open to considering them if he changed his mind, but I didn't argue for them.

I do think this is primarily about his anxiety. He's in treatment, though I'm not sure whether it's had any effect. The thought of moving makes him anxious, so he keeps trying to avoid it. One of the ways he avoids it is by finding fault with places we might move. At the same time, he's anxious to have the matter settled, so anytime I hesitate to commit to something he's ready to commit to, he gets more worked up and sees me as the obstacle to getting this over with. I’m sympathetic, but I'm also bummed that he's seeing me as his adversary instead of his partner in this anxiety-ridden process. It also makes me reluctant to pull the trigger because I worry if the new place doesn't work out as well as hoped, he'll put it on me.

I think he would agree that he's one of those people who doesn't care where he lives, though I would disagree. He's pretty fixated on being in a walkable neighborhood and having an in-unit washer and dryer, which I agree are objectively nice things to have; they're just not in quite the same place on my list of priorities.

I don't see this as representative of how he handles differences in general, though it's certainly worth considering whether, when, and how often it might come up again. We've been together six years and have successfully negotiated compromises on issues of sex (how to get each of our needs met when we want different things), socializing (I do like it more than he does, though I think he likes it more than he thinks he does; he always dreads it but always has a good time), diet (I try to be mostly veggie but make exceptions because he loves to share his Jewish delis and Korean BBQ with me; he goes to lots of vegan restaurants with me) and money (I'm more of a spender; we each have our own accounts over which we have complete control after we pay equal shares of expenses, and we have a shared savings account governed by mutual agreement.) So it's not like he always or even often disregards my needs. But I do think he's being unfair, dishonest, and needlessly combative on this issue.

[WildaBeast]

More and more lately if I want to read a news article or blog while I'm supposed to be working taking my lunch break, I get the "please turn off your ad blocker or pay for a subscription to read this article" message. The problem is when I'm at work I can't unblock the ads. They're being blocked by the corporate firewall and there's nothing I can do about it.

[Dasla]

My left ankle aches. I don't know why. Yes I did go to gym four times this week instead of three but I have done that before. And I haven't walked any more. In fact I walked less then I usually would and less then I have in the past. It's not even the ankle I sprained nearly 20 years ago, which ached a bit for a while after. Or least I don't think it is.

It is just a general ache but enough to be distracting.

[thorny locust]

Dasla, I don't know what's up with your ankle; but I've often found it useful with achy knees to wear a stretchy-type brace for a couple of days (drugstores usually have a rack of assorted things classed more or less as athletic braces.) If I start wearing the brace when the ache is minor it often goes away without getting worse.

This may or may not apply in your case, of course.

[Seaboe Muffinchucker]

Originally Posted by Esprise Me

I do like it more than he does, though I think he likes it more than he thinks he does; he always dreads it but always has a good time.

I have a lot of sympathy for him on this issue. I also often dread social engagements, and then enjoy actually attending. What works best for me is a) plenty of notice, and 2) being allowed to say no. If I've said yes in advance, I will go, but I need to know that if I say no, that answer will be honored. I hate it when I say no and the asker comes back with a slight variation and asks again (and again). No means no. Yes, I've thought about it, and the answer is still no.

Originally Posted by Dasla

My left ankle aches. I don't know why.

My ankle did that yesterday, and I decided it had to do with how it was positioned while I was sleeping. Could that be a possibility?

Seaboe

[iskinner]

Originally Posted by WildaBeast

The problem is when I'm at work I can't unblock the ads. They're being blocked by the corporate firewall and there's nothing I can do about it.

Can you use a browser that has access to web developer tools? I get by a fair number of those ad blocker blockers by turning off JavaScript with the Firefox web developer tools plugin while I am on one of those pages.

[NobleHunter]

Originally Posted by WildaBeast

More and more lately if I want to read a news article or blog while I'm supposed to be working taking my lunch break, I get the "please turn off your ad blocker or pay for a subscription to read this article" message. The problem is when I'm at work I can't unblock the ads. They're being blocked by the corporate firewall and there's nothing I can do about it.

One such site is TVTropes, so I can't complain too much.

[WildaBeast]

Originally Posted by iskinner

Can you use a browser that has access to web developer tools? I get by a fair number of those ad blocker blockers by turning off JavaScript with the Firefox web developer tools plugin while I am on one of those pages.

I'm not sure. We're generally not allowed to install "unauthorized" software on our computers and are limited to what's provided on the company's online software store unless we get special permission. I think Firefox is available for us to install, but probably not the developer plugin.

[Dasla]

Originally Posted by thorny locust

Dasla, I don't know what's up with your ankle; but I've often found it useful with achy knees to wear a stretchy-type brace for a couple of days (drugstores usually have a rack of assorted things classed more or less as athletic braces.) If I start wearing the brace when the ache is minor it often goes away without getting worse.

This may or may not apply in your case, of course.

Originally Posted by Seaboe Muffinchucker

My ankle did that yesterday, and I decided it had to do with how it was positioned while I was sleeping. Could that be a possibility?

Seaboe

Yeah I did think about that, thorny locust, or at least strapping it with a bandage to give it support. And I don't think I have slept differently. But it seems to have stopped today. If it aches tonight I may strap it. Thanks for your ideas.

[kitap]

My car battery died. So I get to call AAA after work and wait for a new one.

[Seaboe Muffinchucker]

Between the time I got my estimate and the time I took the truck in to get the work done (about a month), the gasket on the back axle went, so I had to have more work done than I planned. This is an FWP because it really didn't add to the total cost (because I'd removed some items from the estimate). It did mean, however, that I had to keep the rental car and extra day.

Seaboe

[DawnStorm]

Originally Posted by iskinner

Can you use a browser that has access to web developer tools? I get by a fair number of those ad blocker blockers by turning off JavaScript with the Firefox web developer tools plugin while I am on one of those pages.

A horse racing site I like is blocked at work because the filter presumes it to be a gambling site. There are a lot of ads for various Pick Six bets etc, but the site really very newsy.