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  #1  
Old 20 November 2009, 12:24 AM
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ParaDiddle ParaDiddle is offline
 
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Default Jesus Hit Me with an Acorn

I wish I could take credit for this one, but it happened to one of the moderators at a forum for Honda Accord Owners. The original post is linked below, but for the Glurge Gallery it works best if I cut it off right before a glurge-ist would add an inspirational message. Hmm. . ., what would one of those inspirational messages look like?

Quoted with permission of Trip.

Quote:
Jesus hit me with an Acorn...
... Sunday morning. Beautiful day in the RTP area. A boy and his Prelude enjoying the back roads. Moonroof open. Legal speed a mere suggestion long forgotten.

A Jesus bus full of Sunday worshipers crawling along at 15 below the posted limit . . . about 40 less than what I want to be doing.

I pass in a no passing zone A flick of the wrist and a downshift later and the Jesus bus is behind me.

But wait! It's picking up speed! Apparently I angered the Jesus bus and it now tries to ride Prelude's @$$. The worshipers are being pitched to and fro . . .to and fro . . as the bus tries to keep up with Prelude who is still poking along at only 15-20 above the limit.

Another down shift. A set of twisty curves and the Jesus bus almost meets its maker.

As I grin smugly to myself and watch the Jesus bus get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror, an acorn some how manages to come through the open moonroof at nearly 60mph and cracks me right between the eyes.

Not once in the years I've been driving the back roads has anything ever slipped into the roof let alone **** me in the head.

I got the hint.
Trip says he may browse in to see what fun is had with his story.

- P
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  #2  
Old 20 November 2009, 03:31 PM
Assilem Brandywine Assilem Brandywine is offline
 
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Location: Lafayette, LA
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For a moment, I thought they were going to do a recreation of The Little Nash Rambler:

While riding in my Cadillac
What to my surprise
A little Nash Rambler was following me
About one third my size
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(slowly)
I pushed my foot down to the floor
To give the guy the shake
But the little Nash Rambler stayed right behind
He still had on his brake
He musta thought his car had more guts
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(normal speed)
My car went into passing gear
And we took off with gust (whoosh)
Soon we were going ninety
Musta left him in the dust
When I peeked in the mirror of my car
I couldn't believe my eyes
The little Nash Rambler was right behind
You'd think that guy could fly
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(quickly)
Now we were doing a hundred and ten
This certainly was a race
For a Rambler to pass a Caddy
Would be a big disgrace
The guy musta wanted to pass me up
As he kept on tooting his horn (beep beep)
I'll show him that a Cadillac is not a car to scorn
Beep beep beep beep
His horn went beep beep beep

(very quickly)
Now we're going a hundred twenty
As fast as I can go
The Rambler pulled along side of me
As if we were going slow
The fella rolled down his window
And yelled for me to hear
"Hey buddy how do I get this car outa second gear?"
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  #3  
Old 20 November 2009, 04:16 PM
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compass compass is offline
 
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I'd massacre Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, but thankfully I don't know the words...

Of course, when he hits the brakes in surprise, he may well get rear-ended by the Jesus bus, killing all aboard and proving... God works in mysterious legumes (I know, I know, the e is silent. )
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  #4  
Old 20 November 2009, 04:36 PM
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Arriah Arriah is offline
 
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...God is a squirrel, and he was telling me to change my life.
The acorn was a warning that I was not dressing as The One True God Squirrel wanted me to dress. He wants us all to wear hardhats when out of our homes, it is the True Garb of the Believers of the True God Squirrel and I have been a sinner.

Since I have begun wearing the True Garb and spread The Word my life has turned around. My business was failing, I had been on my way to sell my beautiful car but now everything is better and I can afford a second beautiful car! Wear the True Garb of the Hardhat and the True God Squirrel will bless you too!

Bart Jones
Bart's Construction Supplies
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  #5  
Old 22 November 2009, 08:18 PM
threehead_99
 
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If you're going down a straight road, and something falls into a moonroof, wouldn't it fall behind you? As far as I know, the positioning of one would not allow the acorn to fall in and "crack you square between the eyes",especially going around a corner as stated.. That would only be possible if the car didn't have a windshield. Well there's one other possibility. Maybe the Squirrel God was throwing from the grassy knoll, just beside the curve.
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Old 22 November 2009, 11:05 PM
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Tootsie Plunkette Tootsie Plunkette is offline
 
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Glory, glory, halleluja!
Jesus hit me with an acorn!...
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  #7  
Old 23 November 2009, 05:48 AM
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Eddylizard Eddylizard is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by compass View Post
I'd massacre Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, but thankfully I don't know the words...
What a Talbot Sunbeam?

That was my first car, and a godawful piece of rubbish it was too.
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Old 23 November 2009, 05:56 AM
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Eddylizard Eddylizard is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by threehead_99 View Post
If you're going down a straight road, and something falls into a moonroof, wouldn't it fall behind you? As far as I know, the positioning of one would not allow the acorn to fall in and "crack you square between the eyes",especially going around a corner as stated.. That would only be possible if the car didn't have a windshield. Well there's one other possibility. Maybe the Squirrel God was throwing from the grassy knoll, just beside the curve.
It was Jesus behind the grassy knoll.
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  #9  
Old 23 November 2009, 01:49 PM
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SatansHobbit SatansHobbit is offline
 
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Australia

...and it is written that God's road rage was great, and he did smite the errant driver with the Coconut of Holy Vengeance.

Amen.
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  #10  
Old 23 November 2009, 03:09 PM
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TrishDaDish TrishDaDish is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by compass View Post
I'd massacre Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, but thankfully I don't know the words...
Ask, and ye shall receive.


♪ Jesus hit me with an acorn
A shiner from Him today
In every way I try to please Him
But when I drive I say:

An acorn! An acorn!
Jesus hit me with an acorn!
An acorn! an acorn!
I’ll be in traction for Him!

Jesus wants me to be loving,
And kind to all I see.
It's hard when nuts fly through my moonroof
And I'm wrapped around a tree.

An acorn! An acorn!
Jesus hit me with an acorn!
An acorn! an acorn!
I’ll be in traction for Him!

I will ask Jesus to help me
As metal enters my shin.
Ever reflecting His goodness,
And the nfbsking acorn from Him.

An acorn! An acorn!
Jesus hit me with an acorn!
An acorn! an acorn!
I’ll be in traction for Him!

I’ll be in traction for Jesus,
I'll see if I get by.
Wracked in pain moment by moment,
With pills to get me high.

An acorn! An acorn!
Jesus hit me with an acorn!
An acorn! an acorn!
I’ll be in traction for Him!

Original words here, btw.
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  #11  
Old 23 November 2009, 03:26 PM
threehead_99
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eddylizard View Post
It was Jesus behind the grassy knoll.
At first, I had that thought, but then I reread the OP, and I found that Jesus was actually the bus taking people to the rapture. That's why they were going so fast. There's no speed limit in Heaven.
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  #12  
Old 23 November 2009, 03:50 PM
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RCIAG RCIAG is offline
 
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I think it was those pesky squirrels, Bip & Bop, from the Mutts cartoon:


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  #13  
Old 05 December 2009, 05:08 PM
Calica
 
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Icon220 God hit me with a acorn

I remember one time God hit me with a acorn, I was out raking all the old ones on the yard and when I bent over God threw one down on my butt.

I don't know if there was any spiritual awaking in me....but I think God was just in a silly mood that day.
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