Why I'm voting Democrat

[lord_feldon]

After reviewing all the significant issues, I've decided to throw my support to Democrats. Here is my logic:

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government can do a much better job of spending my money than I can.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech should be limited to what offends no one else.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they will then realize we're good people after all.

I'm voting Democrat because I don't really believe the radical Muslims want to destroy Israel and kill all the Jews.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us for certain whether it will rain three days from now can nevertheless tell us with confidence that the polar ice caps will melt to nothing in 10 years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of using tax money for prison inmate sex-change operations.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe businesses should not be allowed to make profits; they should only break even and give the rest to the government for redistribution as Congress sees fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe four or five pointy-headed elitist liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few weeks to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists no longer have to fight us over there they'll come here, and I certainly don't want to have any guns in my house to protect myself and my family.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever or whatever I want; I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil company profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to eliminate state right to work laws, to make all workers join the union even if they are opposed to the idea.

I'm voting Democrat because the media will then always say good things about the economy and the Administration's handling of it, regardless of whether things are getting better or worse.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to eliminate secret ballots in union elections so union goons and thugs can look over my shoulder as I sign my voting card.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when union workers go on strike for $30 per hour their employers shouldn't be allowed to hire other qualified people who are willing to take those jobs for $29 per hour.

I'm voting Democrat because I think taxpayers should give $65 billion per year in "anti-global poverty taxes" to the United Nations for bureaucrats there to distribute as they see fit, because they did such a good job handling the oil for food program.

I'm voting Democrat because if my 14 year old daughter gets an abortion I don't want to pay for it or know about it.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that if a baby survives an abortion attempt it should be left to die in a cold steel hospital pan rather than be given medical attention.

I'm voting Democrat because you should not have to provide a photo I.D. to vote, and you should not be prevented from voting on behalf of a dead neighbor.

I'm voting Democrat because I'd like to continue hiring quotas and school admission quotas; being a member of a minority should always count more than skill and experience.

I'm voting Democrat because I want taxpayers to pay for the college educations of illegal immigrants.

I'm voting Democrat because I think it's okay if Ken marries Jim, or Sue marries Mary, or Sue marries both Ken and Mary.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the American Civil Liberties Union should continue to protect the North American Man Boy Love Association and its encouragement of sex between adult men and young boys.

I'm voting Democrat because tax money should continue to go to groups like ACORN which somehow are able to register more people to vote than there are adult residents in the counties where they have registration drives.

I'm voting Democrat because I think convicted felons should be allowed to vote; I especially think convicted child molesters should be able to vote for judges who give the most lenient sentences.

I'm voting Democrat because I think if a union worker gets laid off and gets a lower-paying non-union job, the taxpayers should make up the difference so he doesn't lose a dime; it's okay if he does the same job as I do and he gets paid more.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to pay taxes for free day care and pre-school for all children, even if I don't have any small children of my own, and even though most workers at those places will be lesbian leftists determined to brainwash the children into Marxist doctrine.

I'm voting Democrat because I think public housing has turned out so well that we need a lot more of it.

I’m voting Democrat because the idea of giving mortgage money to people who can’t afford to pay it back turned out so well for the American economy.

I’m voting Democrat because they opposed every effort in the last 10 years to put tighter controls on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to double foreign aid, even though most of the countries that get the aid hate America and then skim 50 per cent off the top.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of punishing the oil companies with a windfall profits tax that would discourage much needed exploration and drilling in the United States.

I'm voting Democrat because I think our offshore oil should be extracted by Cuba, China, Venezuela, and other countries; I especially like the fact that other countries are much less careful about environmental safeguards than are Americans.

I'm voting Democrat because an incredibly expensive carbon energy tax would be great for the economy after businesses pass on those costs to everyone with higher prices on all goods and services.

I'm voting Democrat because I think we can probably encourage investment by doubling the capital gains tax, because people always want to invest heavily in things that cost them the most in taxes.

I'm voting Democrat because I think we should raise income taxes on all the people who can afford Cadillacs, even though it means Cadillac workers will lose their jobs.

I'm voting Democrat because I think it's a good idea to raise Social Security taxes on anyone who earns more than $97,000, and tack on a 2-4 per cent surcharge, even though he won't get a higher retirement benefit because of his additional taxes.

I'm voting Democrat because a big raise in the minimum wage will give some people higher paychecks, even though it will result in higher prices nationwide and will cause a lot of people to lose their jobs and not be hired in the first place.

I'm voting Democrat because I think it's a good idea to leave all of America's oil in the ground, never to be accessed, in order that we can buy more from the Middle East and our friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela.

I'm voting Democrat because I think we need to keep tariffs high on Brazilian ethanol based on sugar cane so that Americans can’t buy it, even though it's too cold in America to grow our own sugar cane.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of blocking the construction of new nuclear power plants that we will need so that we can plug in all those electric cars we've been hearing about for 40 years.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of requiring employers to give workers up to 12 weeks of paid time off for "family leave" and I don't think that would make it more difficult for American businesses to compete in the global economy.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the estate/death tax should stay in place and even be increased, so that when the owner of a business or farms dies, his family has to sell it to pay the taxes, rather than keep it in the family where it can support their livelihood.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm sure that if we raise tariffs on imported goods no other countries will do the same in retaliation.

I'm voting Democrat because I'd rather send my children to a poorly-run public school with terrible teachers who can't be fired than have a voucher system that would let me shop around for a better school.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the proposal of free college for anyone who maintains a "B" average because that probably can't cost very much in additional taxes and I don't anticipate any problems with professors suddenly becoming more generous in their grading.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of a "fairness doctrine" that would force radio stations to give equal time for all opposing opinions, even though the stations will lose money when no one listens to those broadcasts and will end up canceling all the talk shows I now enjoy.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of resurrecting an air traffic controller's union so that the safety of airline passengers can be compromised by the threat of a strike or a work slowdown.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of a national health care plan where illegal immigrants can get the best medical care my tax dollars can provide, and because I like the idea of doctors leaving the profession after the government reduces their fees in an effort to keep the program from going bankrupt.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of prohibiting insurance companies from having exclusions for pre-existing conditions, even though it means no one in their right mind would buy insurance until they get sick and that will put all the nation's health insurers out of business.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe in equal pay for the sexes, that pre-school teachers should be paid the same as high-rise construction workers, that all men should be paid the same as Oprah and all women should be paid the same as Bill Gates.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to put an end to racial profiling; I don't think it's fair for the police to know that the guy who robbed the liquor store is a young black guy with a beard, and that the police are more likely to apprehend him if they also have to stop and question old women, whites, and Hispanics who don't have beards.

I'm voting Democrat because I don't think the United States, Israel, or Europe needs a missile defense system to protect against nuclear missiles from Russia, Iran, or North Korea.

I'm voting Democrat because I don't think we need the F-22 Raptor, V-22 Osprey, Virginia-class submarines, or the DDG-1000 destroyer.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the primary responsibility of our Armed Forces should not be to defend America in time of war, but to rescue fat, stupid people from the roofs of houses during hurricanes.

I'm voting Democrat because I would like to see deep cuts in America's nuclear arsenal, even though crazed dictators around the world are desperately working to build up their own arsenals.

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of always blaming America first.

I'm voting Democrat because I think Israel can fend for itself and isn't in any danger.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe Israel should just turn the other cheek and let Hamas and Hezbollah bomb its citizens without consequence.

I'm voting Democrat because I don't think America should honor its commitment to NATO and the other nations that signed the agreement.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe America can avoid conflict by negotiating with anyone, including crackpot dictators who have stated their goal is to destroy Western Civilization, and Russian leaders whose KGB backgrounds have left them totally trustworthy.

I'm voting Democrat because I think we need to "restore America's moral standing in the world" among the socialist nations of Europe and dictatorships of Africa, even though that means turning our backs on allies like England, Australia, New Zealand, Poland, and other nations that haven't embraced socialism.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the best way to stop a mad dictator with nuclear weapons is to have the United Nations send him a strongly-worded letter.

I’m voting Democrat because I like the idea of not doing anything to keep more people from entering the country illegally.

I'm voting Democrat because I think we need a much easier "pathway to citizenship" than entering the country legally and following the existing rules that millions of people have followed in the past.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe in shiftlessness, irresponsibility, moral equivalence, and government making all my decisions for me.

I'm voting Democrat because I am planning on going on the public dole and letting everyone else pay for what I want.

[chillas]

Well, that's just fan-NFBSKing-tastic. My eyes actually rolled so far that they did a complete spin in their sockets. And it hurt.

[ToadMagnet]

I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of resurrecting an air traffic controller's union so that the safety of airline passengers can be compromised by the threat of a strike or a work slowdown.

I almost missed this one because I was trying really hard to get all the way through it, gave up, decided I'd better try again, and started from the bottom up.

I think I'll go with ClassBravo on this one. Y'know, 'cause the safety of airline passengers isn't being compromised at all by current conditions of air traffic controllers' jobs.

They left off "cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man." (Which makes about as much sense as a lot of these others.)

Toad"Fear-mongerers untie!"Magnet

[kismet]

I like the one about rescuing fat, stupid people from the roofs of houses during hurricanes. Because fit, intelligent people are immune to the effects of a hurricane? You'd think that would have been in the news.

I also like the bit about the lesbian leftist brainwashing Marxists working in daycare centers. That's a new one to me. I used to work in a daycare, was I a lesbian Marxist without even being aware of it?

[ToadMagnet]

Originally Posted by kismet

I like the one about rescuing fat, stupid people from the roofs of houses during hurricanes. Because fit, intelligent people are immune to the effects of a hurricane? You'd think that would have been in the news.

I also like the bit about the lesbian leftist brainwashing Marxists working in daycare centers. That's a new one to me. I used to work in a daycare, was I a lesbian Marxist without even being aware of it?

No, silly - the fit, intelligent people left before the hurricane arrived. Because every hurricane and its aftereffects are completely and accurately predictable, so they are able to determine when they should stay and when they should leave.

And of course you're a lesbian Marxist, and you probably killed babies by leaving them in a cold steel hospital pan ... didn't you? Admit it!

[keokuk]

I got through the second one before I gave up. They should probably start with something more reasonable than suppression of freedom of speech if they want to persuade anyone who doesn't already agree with them.

[Sylvanz]

Don't any...any of these people understand that, "Brevity is the soul of wit."?

P&LL, Syl

[Aimee Evilpixie]

Yes, these are all the reasons why I voted for Democrats. Also, I like to eat babies and kick puppies.

[chillas]

Originally Posted by Aimee Evilpixie

Yes, these are all the reasons why I voted for Democrats. Also, I like to eat babies and kick puppies.

Mmmmm ... baby.

Great, now I'm hungry.

Presumably you drown kittens by the sackful, too. I know I do!

[kismet]

Originally Posted by Aimee Evilpixie

Yes, these are all the reasons why I voted for Democrats. Also, I like to eat babies and kick puppies.

Do you eat them out of a cold, steel hospital pan?

I once put a baby in a cold steel stock pot. Two years ago today, in fact. She didn't die, strangely enough. So I couldn't eat her, even though she was dressed as a lobster at the time.

This message? It was written by someone who is both opposed to unions and a strong supporter of unions, and he/she hates Democrats because they are so incredibly pro/anti union.

[ToadMagnet]

Originally Posted by kismet

I once put a baby in a cold steel stock pot. Two years ago today, in fact. She didn't die, strangely enough. So I couldn't eat her, even though she was dressed as a lobster at the time.

Oh, I think we definitely need a cite for that, Ms. Geddes.

[A Turtle Named Mack]

Originally Posted by Sylvanz

Don't any...any of these people understand that, "Brevity is the soul of wit."?

P&LL, Syl

Wait, you mean this wasn't lord_feldon's attempt at sarcasm?

[Bryan With a 'Y']

So voting Democratic
We heard will be your plan
But first you have to prove to us
You hate your fellow man.
Deliver us the head of
A proud American...
A Joe Six-Pack, a soccer mom
A boy scout, that would be the bomb


Just prove you hate your mother,
your country and your cat,
And we'll consider making you
A proud Democrat;
But if we find you're decent,
We'll have to stomp you flat.
So if you're hateful, rude and course
Then grab some ballots!

Signed,
Bad Horse
Democratic Party Chair

(with profound apologies to Joss Whedon. And pretty much everybody else)

[CSGirl]

I mentioned this in Unhijackable- someone I know from middle school posted this. Sigh. Doesn't surprise me. What did surprise me was the response from someone else- actually, my sister's future MiL, who is also very conservative:

Well I hope and pray you are not agreeing with all this and look into things better than this.

Wow. I hope that she just read the title and not the rest, and doesn't actually think this is serious? She's the kind of person that would agree with this, assuming she understood it. I think my head exploded.

And of course a whole bunch of other people posted saying how much they agreed with the post. :eyeroll:

[lord_feldon]

I'm voting Democrat because you should not have to provide a photo I.D. to vote, and you should not be prevented from voting on behalf of a dead neighbor.

I'm voting Democrat because I think convicted felons should be allowed to vote; I especially think convicted child molesters should be able to vote for judges who give the most lenient sentences.

The first two parts of those are bad? And surely it would be the unconvicted child molester who would want to do that, as a convicted child molester has already been sentenced.

I'm voting Democrat because I think it's okay if Ken marries Jim, or Sue marries Mary, or Sue marries both Ken and Mary.

Okay....?

[Natalie]

[QUOTE=lord_feldon;786679]

I'm voting Democrat because I believe four or five pointy-headed elitist liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few weeks to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

Then you'd better build yourself a time machine, go back to the late 18th century, and convince all those guys in powdered wigs that they're making a terrible mistake.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil company profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

The federal tax rate on a gallon of gasoline is a flat rate of 18.4 cents. That hasn't been 15% of the cost of a gallon for at least 10 years, and for all I know the flat rate was lower 10 years ago.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to eliminate secret ballots in union elections so union goons and thugs can look over my shoulder as I sign my voting card.

The card check law doesn't eliminate the secret ballot - if 30% of the eligible workers want one, one will be held.

I'm voting Democrat because if my 14 year old daughter gets an abortion I don't want to pay for it or know about it.

Maybe if you had a better relationship with your daughter, she'd tell you about it on her own, without having to be coerced by the state.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that if a baby survives an abortion attempt it should be left to die in a cold steel hospital pan rather than be given medical attention.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this has never actually happened.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the American Civil Liberties Union should continue to protect the North American Man Boy Love Association and its encouragement of sex between adult men and young boys.

While you're back in time convincing the framers of the Constitution that the Supreme Court is a huge mistake, maybe you could also convince them to include a clause specifying that things you don't agree with are not covered by the First Amendment.

I'm voting Democrat because I want to pay taxes for free day care and pre-school for all children, even if I don't have any small children of my own, and even though most workers at those places will be lesbian leftists determined to brainwash the children into Marxist doctrine.

Yep, we all know that the only people who benefit from free public education are the children themselves. Man, why don't those lazy kids get jobs if they want to learn to read!

I'm voting Democrat because a big raise in the minimum wage will give some people higher paychecks, even though it will result in higher prices nationwide and will cause a lot of people to lose their jobs and not be hired in the first place.

Now, I'm no economic historian, but I'm pretty sure we had inflation before we had a minimum wage.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the estate/death tax should stay in place and even be increased, so that when the owner of a business or farms dies, his family has to sell it to pay the taxes, rather than keep it in the family where it can support their livelihood.

Again, pretty sure this has never, ever happened. The estate tax has always had a significant floor before it was levied.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe in equal pay for the sexes

This is a bad thing?

I'm voting Democrat because I want to put an end to racial profiling; I don't think it's fair for the police to know that the guy who robbed the liquor store is a young black guy with a beard, and that the police are more likely to apprehend him if they also have to stop and question old women, whites, and Hispanics who don't have beards.

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

[chillas]

Originally Posted by Bryan With a 'Y'

(with profound apologies to Joss Whedon. And pretty much everybody else)

Even before I saw the end of your post, my brain was trying to make it fit into the Bad Horse song!

[lord_feldon]

I'm voting Democrat because I think we need to "restore America's moral standing in the world" among the socialist nations of Europe and dictatorships of Africa, even though that means turning our backs on allies like England, Australia, New Zealand, Poland, and other nations that haven't embraced socialism.

I think all of those allies have embraced what the author would call socialism (i.e. anything not in the Constitution Party platform).

[Nonny Mouse]

Originally Posted by Natalie

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this has never actually happened.

I know of a kid who survived an abortion attempt. Of course, he survived it by failing to vacate the premises--no cold pans involved.

Nonny

[Natalie]

Originally Posted by Nonny Mouse

I know of a kid who survived an abortion attempt. Of course, he survived it by failing to vacate the premises--no cold pans involved.

Nonny

Oh, I don't doubt that some abortions are unsuccessful - I mean, everything has a failure rate, right? IIRC, when a woman uses the abortion pill she has to schedule a backup surgical procedure in case it doesn't work.

But I don't think doctors are injuring living fetuses, pulling them out of the woman, and then throwing them on the floor or whatever.