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Old 18 January 2018, 08:14 PM
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Esprise Me Esprise Me is offline
Join Date: 02 October 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6,619

Thanks for the responses. GenYus, I should have put a "therefore" in that sentence; I meant that, because of his desire for proximity to a grocery store, I gave up on the apartments I'd found in those neighborhoods and stopped looking nearby. I was still open to considering them if he changed his mind, but I didn't argue for them.

I do think this is primarily about his anxiety. He's in treatment, though I'm not sure whether it's had any effect. The thought of moving makes him anxious, so he keeps trying to avoid it. One of the ways he avoids it is by finding fault with places we might move. At the same time, he's anxious to have the matter settled, so anytime I hesitate to commit to something he's ready to commit to, he gets more worked up and sees me as the obstacle to getting this over with. Iím sympathetic, but I'm also bummed that he's seeing me as his adversary instead of his partner in this anxiety-ridden process. It also makes me reluctant to pull the trigger because I worry if the new place doesn't work out as well as hoped, he'll put it on me.

I think he would agree that he's one of those people who doesn't care where he lives, though I would disagree. He's pretty fixated on being in a walkable neighborhood and having an in-unit washer and dryer, which I agree are objectively nice things to have; they're just not in quite the same place on my list of priorities.

I don't see this as representative of how he handles differences in general, though it's certainly worth considering whether, when, and how often it might come up again. We've been together six years and have successfully negotiated compromises on issues of sex (how to get each of our needs met when we want different things), socializing (I do like it more than he does, though I think he likes it more than he thinks he does; he always dreads it but always has a good time), diet (I try to be mostly veggie but make exceptions because he loves to share his Jewish delis and Korean BBQ with me; he goes to lots of vegan restaurants with me) and money (I'm more of a spender; we each have our own accounts over which we have complete control after we pay equal shares of expenses, and we have a shared savings account governed by mutual agreement.) So it's not like he always or even often disregards my needs. But I do think he's being unfair, dishonest, and needlessly combative on this issue.
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