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Old 18 January 2018, 02:49 PM
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thorny locust thorny locust is offline
 
Join Date: 27 April 2007
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 9,597
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Esprise Me, -- warning, long post; containing advice that may be worth exactly what you paid for it.


When I first started reading your most recent post I thought you might be having a difficulty between a person who doesn't care where he lives and one who does. There do seem to be people who just don't care at all where they're living, and many of them seem to have massive difficulty understanding people to whom it does make a difference, or even understanding that there are people to whom it makes a difference and that such differences can have an extremely large effect on well-being.

But having read the whole thing, it's starting to sound like an even larger problem: a case of 'if it matters to me it matters. If it matters to you, it doesn't matter.'

I broke up with somebody over that, years ago. I'm glad I did. But it's also true that I wound up single. (Any relationship advice I give needs to be considered with that in mind.) Personally, I'd rather be single. Your mileage (as well as your results) may vary. But -- if what matters to you doesn't matter to him in this case: I strongly suspect that it won't matter in any other case that comes up during the marriage, either; at least, unless you can find some way to blast into his head that it needs to, and why it needs to. Whether that's possible I have no idea.

-- it occurs to me that it might not be an issue of 'I want to live only in a place that meets x standards and don't care whether it meets your standards', but a case of all the specific excuses being not actually a matter of 'I only want to live in a place that's x' but instead a matter of 'I don't understand why it matters where we are and I don't want to spend extra rent money so I'm going to keep trying to block the move by any means possible'. But if that's what's going on, then you have both the problem I thought it was at first (he doesn't care where he lives and doesn't understand that this matters to many other people), but also a massive deception problem; which is not IMO an improvement even if it's only this issue it's come up with (so far).

-- yet another thing I can think of is that maybe he actually hates entertaining friends. But again I think if it's that he should say so.
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