Thread: Ask God
View Single Post
Old 27 December 2013, 04:50 PM
Avril's Avatar
Avril Avril is offline
Join Date: 07 August 2002
Location: Princeton, NJ
Posts: 10,547
Default Ask God

Sort of anti-glurge, but I still find it glurgy. I changed the formatting slightly to make it easier to read than one big lump, but I didn't change anything else.

AND NOW the answers to ASK GOD:

1. HUMAN: If Mary was impregnated by God without her consent first, why didnít her body naturally abort it?
GOD: What? Mary consented. Angels came down to Earth and talked to her about it several times. She also signed a legal waiver signing away her rights in perpetuity. It was all totally legitimate.

2. HUMAN: Why is it that, more often than not, I can find nicer atheists than I can Christians?
GOD: Being a nice person because it makes you happy leads to actual niceness. Being a nice person because a book told you to leads to fake niceness.

3. HUMAN: When there are only one set of footprints in the sand are you really carrying me or are you off getting a taco or something?
GOD: Me? Iím always off getting a taco or something; youíre thinking of Jesus. Jesus is the weirdo who carries people around. So if youíve been having a hard time in life and fall back into alcoholism, Jesus picks you up and carries you. That JesusÖsuch an enabler.

4. HUMAN: I'm hyper self-critical. Should I still treat my neighbor as I treat myself?
GOD: Yes, of course! Thatís how the Golden Rule works. You have no choice but to mercilessly criticize your neighbor as much as you do yourself. Make sure to ridicule his love handles, heís extremely sensitive about that.

5. HUMAN: Are dogs really angels sent to teach us unconditional love and compassion?
GOD: Yes, dogs are merely angels that lick their own genitals and crap on your floor. In the process, you get to know what love is. They get to show you. Youíre welcome!

6. HUMAN: How do we change the world so that people will care more about human trafficking, child brides/labor, rape, than what some celebrity said?
GOD: Step 1: Earn a huge fortune of billions of dollars. Step 2: Buy or start a huge cable news network. Step 3: Make your news shows cover important topics and not stupid celebrity bullshit.

7. HUMAN: Why does Jesus turn water into wine when Vodka is so much better?
GOD: Because Jesus isnít a raging alcoholic. Jesus converts water into only the finest of wines because Jesus is a ****ing classy bitch.
Reply With Quote