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Old 18 January 2018, 07:09 AM
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Esprise Me Esprise Me is offline
 
Join Date: 02 October 2005
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 6,946
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Thanks for the input, thorny locust and Lainie.

We ended up getting into an argument about this last night. It's not the first argument we've had on the subject, but this is the only subject I think we've argued about since getting married a little over a year ago. I came home from work and he started telling me how stressed out he was over this decision; I hugged him and told him it was stressing me out too. Then he kind of turned on me and accused me of not being willing to compromise.

That upset me because I feel I have been compromising left and right. He picked out our current place for himself 3.5 years ago; when I moved in a year later, we agreed that we'd move to a nicer place once I got a job up here. But then I got a job, and he kept coaxing me to extend our lease just a little longer. We were saving so much money! I paid off my credit cards from law school, paid for our honeymoon, and put away substantial savings; he paid off his student loans, replaced the car he totaled, and started a 401k. We were saving so much time and hassle not having to move and learn our way around a new neighborhood, and while we couldn't entertain at our place, that kinda saved time too. I was able to put in the 80 hours a week it took to succeed at my new job, and he was able to do more around the house so I didn't have to. We were eventually able to rent a second parking space from a neighbor who didn't have a car, so we had the both the car and subway access he needed. But he knew I hated living here. I missed throwing parties, I missed having natural light, and I missed being able to cook (our kitchen is deep in our unit, the fan is ineffectual, and even with opening all the windows and doors we have to disconnect the smoke alarm before using the stove.) We also dealt with roaches, leaks, numerous unexplained water shutoffs, and a period of serveral weeks without hot water to the entire building when the boiler went out. The elevator broke down about once a month for a week or more at a time for the better part of a year, nonessential construction was carried out with no notice of the impeded access, and the hot tub they installed a year ago has never worked. Our upstairs neighbor overwaters his plants while we sit on the balcony below, leading to muddy water showering down on our heads, and he cuts his sappy plants which drip onto my cat's fur, forcing me to hold him down and cut out the resulting mats. Holes appear in the walls of the stairwell and don't get fixed for months. One time someone's dog took a dump on the carpet in the hallway right outside our front door, and they just left it there. I've put up with this for two and a half years now, all of which time we could afford better. That alone is a huge compromise.

I finally put my foot down and refused to sign another extension of our lease. He agreed to move, but then kept trying to reopen the conversation again, arguing about how convenient and cheap our place was. I told him I was moving; he could stay (and keep the furniture) if moving caused him too much anxiety, and we could try keeping separate households for a while. He's adamantly opposed to this. But he's also treating my priorities as negotiable and his as necessities. I don't need to live on the subway line, and I'd certainly be fine with living a mile away from the nearest stop; he rejected a place that was half a mile from the subway. Fine, I stopped suggesting places more than a third of a mile from a subway station. He didnít want to live in a neighborhood without a regular grocery store within a half mile walk; I ruled out Chinatown, the area around Union Station, and several other areas. He wants in-unit washer and dryer; I'd be fine with just having them in the building, but whatever, I didn't argue. He now tells me he needs a desk with an external monitor for his weekly telecommmute day (even though he rarely does any work on that day); OK, I'd reject that small apartment that was otherwise perfect and keep looking. But my desire for natural light, a balcony, and a dining room table/space to entertain friends? Totally unreasonable, apparently.
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