Real Résumés
 

One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed
in the Fortune Magazine:

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet
progroms."
3. "I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond
to my résumé on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training n
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

We once received a resume from a guy that was eight pages long and written in the third person - "John Doe is an excellent employee. John Doe has successfully done blah, blah, blah." We joked it was written by his mom.

Oddly enough at one time we were shown the application forms for people applying to be our line manager; one of whom listed unicycling skills when applying for a computer management job.

I had an applicant that stated, "I write letters good" in her cover letter. :eek:

I worked at a t-shirt shop that wanted us to list things like that on our applications. I was wondering if they were hiring sales-people or circus clowns. Turns out the owner was a juggling, yo-yo nerd.

Was it written by Elly May Clampet?

On a college essay, someone I know wrote "Everyone in my class is dumber than me." Luckily, she got someone to proofread it before she sent it.

A friend of mine had "self improvement" in his personal interests section. I gave his resume to my HR guy who said "if he wants a job here, he shouldn't include "self employment" as a goal. I corrected HR, and my friend deleted that line from his resume to avoid future confusion for poor readers.

I love the resumes that list every single utility anyone with a windows pc has as "specialised knowledge"..

Such as Defrag.

Or an "expert at Google"
"Proficient with a mouse"
"effective use of Speil Chequing" <-- i saw that on three separate resumes.

One of my friends on a university essay wrote "thingymajig"(sp?) when referring to some type of measuring device with the intention of looking up the proper name later.

Unfortunately, he forgot.

I once had a temp job in the HR department of a certain major bank. I was supposed to scan resumes into their system. Someone sent in a resume on pink paper with the text in lavender. It was hard enough to READ, let alone scan.

I was once reviewing applications for a facility I managed and came across an applicant who filled in the blank asking "Sex" with "Occasionally".

BW

A clever one (IMO): A friend's mother applied to be librarian at a Catholic school. The application asked for "Church preference?" My friend's mom, who was Jewish, responded "Red brick."

She got the job, and worked there for several decades, until she retired.

I once received a cover letter that said "I am attention to detail."

Maybe they were the incarnation of an abstract concept and that's how they introduced themselves at the Parthenon?

"I AM Attention to Detail!"

I once sent a cover letter (by email) where I mentioned my attention to detail...and forgot to attach my resume :duh:.

I think you were the victim of a UL. That's an old joke:

http://www.trinityfrankfort.org/archives/280

http://javacasa.com/humor/church.htm

http://www.christian-jokes.net/Jokes...reference.aspx

The thinking behind that is perfectly logical: you want to include hobbies in your resume to give an idea that you have interests outside the office. It makes the resume more interesting and occasionally, you'll hit someone who shares the same interest. If I saw that on a resume, it'd go to the top of the pile.

I suspect part of the reason I got my job was that I mentioned my love of travel during my interview, and the doctor I work for will talk for hours about all the places she's been.

But I only mentioned it in order to explain some gaps on my resume. I wouldn't include non-work-related interests on the resume. If I'm directly asked about my hobbies during an interview, that's different.

I have listed my hobbies on my resume. Once during a job interview I was told I was not what they were looking for, as my hobbies (drawing, hiking, shooting) showed I wasn't a team player.