snopes.com

snopes.com (http://message.snopes.com/index.php)
-   Fun House (http://message.snopes.com/forumdisplay.php?f=34)
-   -   Godawful jokes (http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=97157)

Jusenkyo no Pikachu 25 November 2018 02:36 PM

Godawful jokes
 
Some from Bad Kids Jokes, some from a co-worker who isn’t entirely smart.

Quote:

1+1=Your bum
2+2=Your farts
That’s the co-worker there. I wish I was making that nonsense up.

Quote:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Matt Murdock
Matt Murdock who?
Matt Murdock did a poo on the train.
Co-worker again. That time, he actually admitted to not really having a joke.

But lest you think I’m just venting, here’s some bad kids jokes to make you cringe.

Quote:

knock knock
who there
harry
hary who
harry potter and the treuvdsnffewrpep
My favourite book. The best bit is when he encounters the treuvdsnffewrpep in all its glory.

Quote:

Knock knock
Toilet
Toilet cat
Who’s there?
Toilet who?
I was reproducing that one from memory. Aside from my usage of reasonably proper grammar, that one should be correct.

Quote:

where does kylie monmoge get her kebabs

in jasons van
I’ve had this one going through my head for the past week. I got it from the @KidsWriteJokes twitter feed, and while I’m taking it with a grain of salt (how do kids know early Neighbours?), I have to admit the joke does land.

What are your favourite terrible jokes?

Seaboe Muffinchucker 26 November 2018 03:58 PM

What do you call a flood control device built by rodents in Holland?




Hamsterdam.

Seaboe

NobleHunter 26 November 2018 04:12 PM

Whenever someone asks this question I think of the Robin Williams machine gunning puns in Bicentennial Man.

(I can only remember two though)

How do you make a hankie dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

thorny locust 26 November 2018 04:20 PM

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Arn.

Arn who?

Arn'cha glad I don't make up more knock knock jokes?

GenYus234 26 November 2018 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NobleHunter (Post 1991998)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

A cannibal shows up late to a feast, he asks, "I am too late for dinner?"
"Yes, everybody's eaten."

A cannibal goes to the doctor and complains of an upset stomach. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.
The cannibal replies he's been eating the men in the brown robes with the shaved heads. He puts them in the pot with some vegetables and boils them.
The doctor says, "That's the problem, those are friars."

Two cannibals are eating, one starts from the feet, one from the head.
The first says, "I'm having a ball."
The other says, "You eat faster than I."

iskinner 26 November 2018 04:54 PM

What is the difference between people and computers?

With computers, you put the software into the hardware. :fish:

ChasFink 26 November 2018 07:18 PM

Here's one:
A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"


And my absolute favorite bad joke, heard on Hee-Haw many years ago:
It was so cold in the barnyard today I saw a chicken with a capon.

crocoduck_hunter 26 November 2018 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GenYus234 (Post 1992003)
A cannibal shows up late to a feast, he asks, "I am too late for dinner?"
"Yes, everybody's eaten."

A cannibal goes to the doctor and complains of an upset stomach. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.
The cannibal replies he's been eating the men in the brown robes with the shaved heads. He puts them in the pot with some vegetables and boils them.
The doctor says, "That's the problem, those are friars."

Two cannibals are eating, one starts from the feet, one from the head.
The first says, "I'm having a ball."
The other says, "You eat faster than I."

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner?

His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

smittykins 26 November 2018 08:45 PM

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

First musician: Who was that piccolo I saw you with the other day?
Second musician: That was no piccolo, that was my fife!

crocoduck_hunter 26 November 2018 09:08 PM

What do you call a guy who's always following a group of musicians?
A drummer

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer's drooling out both corners of his mouth.

What's the easiest way to get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer who's just broken up with their SO?
Homeless.

GenYus234 26 November 2018 09:34 PM

What do you do with a drummer with no sense of rhythm?
Take away one of his sticks and make him the conductor.

How do you tell a violin is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How do you call the conductor of the Marine Corps Band?
On his sousaphone.

ETA:
How do you know how much marijuana costs?
It's written on the hashtag.

FETA:
Why did the dyslexic prothesizing attorney get banned from the zoo?
For witnessing the badger.

Brad from Georgia 26 November 2018 11:24 PM

Quote:

FETA:
Why did the dyslexic prothesizing attorney get banned from the zoo?
For witnessing the badger.
Artificial limbs, is that? "Proselytizing" would be even more not funny.

smittykins 27 November 2018 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChasFink (Post 1992019)
Here's one:
A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"


And my absolute favorite bad joke, heard on Hee-Haw many years ago:
It was so cold in the barnyard today I saw a chicken with a capon.

Another Hee Haw joke:

“I crossed a praying mantis with a termite.”
Whaddya get?
“A bug that says grace before it eats your house!”
*Fence board hits joke-teller in rear*

Alarm 27 November 2018 01:17 PM

knock knock
who's there
boo
Boo who?
You don't have to cry, I'm here....


:fish:

knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who?
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who?
knock knock
who's there
banana
banana who?
knock knock
who's there?
Orange
orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

:fish::fish:

Why do sharks not eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy

:fish::fish::fish:

DawnStorm 27 November 2018 02:05 PM

What is 5Q plus 5Q?
10Q
You're welcome!

A horse walks into a bar; the bar tender asks "why the long face?"

A bear walks into a bar...................why the big paws?


Thank you! I'll be here all week. :D

Bonus: How were races started in the old USSR?
On your Marx....

GenYus234 27 November 2018 02:09 PM

Three men walk in to a bar, you think one of them would have ducked.

My uncle was a great magician. He could walk down the street and turn into a bar.

A piece of string walked into a bar. The bartender threw him out saying, "We don't serve string in here.
The string walked out, twisted himself around and unraveled one end of himself. He walked back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?!"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

ETA:
Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnStorm (Post 1992089)
Thank you! I'll be here all week.

Why do you hate waitresses?

DawnStorm 27 November 2018 02:25 PM

Me to DH: I'm going to go get a haircut.
DH: Which one? You've got lots of them.
:rolleyes:

Me to DH: I'll pick you up at 5.
DH: I can walk to the car!
:fish:


I am married to Henny Youngman's love child.

ChasFink 27 November 2018 02:51 PM

GenYus234's mention of a zoo reminds me of the following.


So this guy who works in an aquarium gets summoned by his boss who is looking very worried. And she says to him:

"I've just been by the dolphin tank and they're feeling very amorous. They're doing all sorts of things to each other. And the trouble is that in less than an hour we've got three busloads of second-graders coming. We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins behaving as if they're in a porno flick. Now there's only one thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins and that's the meat of baby seagulls. So I want you to go down to the seashore catch yourself some baby seagulls and put them in this bag and hurry on back. But be careful, a lion escaped from the zoo this morning, and though he was heavily sedated, he still just might be dangerous. OK, get going and make it snappy."

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore. He gets some baby seagulls and he's walking back through the forest when he sees the lion and it is lying across the path directly in front of him. It's too late to run away and the feline does seem very placid so summoning up all his courage he steps across the lion.

Nothing happens.

And so with much relief the guy begins to resume his journey when all of a sudden a policeman steps out of the forest and grabs they guy by the arm and says to him:

"You're under arrest."

The guy can't believe it. He says, "Tell me, officer, what's the charge?"

And the policeman says:

"Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises."



(This version is from the recitative and chorus "So this guy" from the cantata Knock, Knock by P.D.Q. Bach, courtesy of the P.D.Q. Bach Wiki - with some correction to the text by yours truly.)

GenYus234 27 November 2018 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnStorm (Post 1992095)
I am married to Henny Youngman's love child.

Take my husband. Please.

ETA: ChasFink's joke reminds me of a joke.

In the Korean War, an army was camped on the beach for a considerable time and was able to build some shacks for the officers but the enlisted were still camping out. During their long stay, the men began to feed the nearby porpoises and teach them tricks. Over time, each squad would unofficially adopt a porpoise as their mascot. They were so enamored of their mascots that they insisted that they be included as members of the army including any pronouncements and orders. One day, the colonel in charge needed to remind the men that smoking was only allowed in the shacks. So he took the PA microphone and began his announcement.

"For all in tents and porpoises..."

Jusenkyo no Pikachu 27 November 2018 03:25 PM

I’ve heard ChasFink’s joke, but I’ve heard it as about a potion for dolphin immortality which used a myna (“Transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises”).

But…I dunno…I mean, all of these are groaners, but are they truly godawful? I don’t mean as in Justin Bieber, I mean as in Girls With Attitude (you may regret clicking on that. I suggest at least wearing headphones to minimise external damage).


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:21 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.